Tourist  Tales 


of  California 


By 

Sara  White  Isaman 


Los  Angeles,  Cal. 

Published  by  the  Author 

Second  Edition 


^ 


COPYRIGHT  1907 

BY 
SARA  WHITE  ISAMAff 


Timea-Mlrror  P.  &  B.   House, 
•     Laa  Angeles,  Cal. 


SRLE 


mp  fatfjer 
Robert  aiexanbe 
31  bcbicate  tfjts  fccofe 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAGE 

"  '  Besides,'  says  Hiram,  '  if  'twas  very  high 
priced  they  would  have  a  kitchen  'stead  of 
cookin '  in  the  front  room  to  save  rent. '  " . . .  21 

"  Mebby  if  you  was  to  stand  side-ways,  Pheba, 

'twould  make  you  look  slimmer. " 63 

"  A  fat  woman  slid  down  one  of  them  slides  an* 
nearly  knocked  the  senses  out  of  your  Uncle 
Hiram."  89 

"  He  stood  fur  hours  lookin'  at  a  fool  ostrich.". .   145 

"  '  Make  a  fool  of  yerself  laffin','  says  he, '  but  if 
I  ever  hear  of  you  whimperin'  a  word  'bout 
this  goat  episode  I'll  sue  you  fur  a  divorce 
an'  separate  maintenence  afore  I'm  a  day 
older.'  "  .  .219 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

Los    Angeles — That    Good    Old    Tourist    Town 

(poem)    9-13 

At  Busch's  Garden 17 

At  Mt.  Lowe 31 

At  Los  Angeles 43 

At  Studio  Steckell 55 

At  Herman 's 71 

At  Long  Beach 83 

Letters  Home   101 

More  Letters   113 

At  Venice    125 

At  the  Ostrich  Farm 137 

Apartment-House  Life   157 

At  La  Fiesta 173 

At  Catalina • 205 

At  Westlake  Home  .  .  223 


LOS  ANGELES 
THAT  GOOD  OLD  TOURIST  TOWN 


When   the  snow   commenced 

to  fly 

To  the  westward  we  did  hie 
To  Los  Angeles,  that  good 

old  tourist  town, 
Where   they  sell  flowers   by 

the  ton, 

An'  keep  you  on  the  run 
For  fear  the  autocars  will 

knock  you  down. 


With  our  grips  and  umbrel 
We  sought  a  swell  hotel 

In  Los  Angeles,  that  good  old  tourist  town, 
Where  the  clerk  jest  give  one  peep 
An'  sized  us  up  as  cheap 

An'  said:    "  Our  rates  are  ten  per  day,  cash  down." 


Oh!  it  gave  us  sich  a  fright 
That   we   sought   the   Angel 

Flight 
In  Los  Angeles,  that  good 

old  tourist  town, 
An'  when  hope  had  nearly 

fled 

We  found  a  room  and  bed 
An'  was  glad  to  get  our 

meals  a  boardin'   round. 


Then  we  felt  so  glad  and  free 
We  started  out  to  see 

Los  Angeles,  that  good  old  tourist  town, 
From  the  ocean  to  Mount  Lowe 
Sight  seein'  we  did  go — 

Rode  them  trolley  cars  fur  miles  and  miles  around. 


MT.   LOW 


When  we  go  back  frum  here 
Them  nabors  all  shall  hear 
'Bout    Los    Angeles,    that 

good  old  tourist  town. 
She's  the  world's  playground 

all  right, 
And  her  flowers  and  sunshine 

bright 
Makes  you  feel  as  young 

an'  happy  as  a  clown. 


UNCLE  HIRAM  HAILED  FROM  NEBRASKA,  BUT 
HE  WANTED  To  BE  SHOWN  AND  WAS 
GAME — CARRIAGE  DRIVER  REPRESENTED 
BUSCH'S  GARDENS  AS  SUNKEN  BY  EARTH 
QUAKE,  WHICH  GREATLY  IMPRESSED 
HIM. 


AT  BUSCH'S  GARDENS. 


44  T  UST  set  down  in  that  rocker,  Mandy," 
*-*  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison  to  her  niece, 
"an'  I'll  tell  you  about  our  trip  to  Califor 
nia,  while  I  unpack  this  trunk.  I  bet  a  cookie 
them  souvenirs  got  all  smashed,"  she  added  as 
she  peered  anxiously  into  the  trunk. 

"  One  day  last  fall  a  real  estate  agent  come 
out  from  Lincoln  an'  offered  us  fifty  thou 
sand  dollars  for  our  farm.  Hiram  wouldn't 
think  of  sellin'  at  any  price,  but  he  says:  'I'll 
tell  ye,  Pheba,  what  we  will  do;  we  will  take 
a  rest  an'  let  somebody  else  do  the  work  after 
this.  I  want  to  travel  some  an'  the  first  place 
I  want  to  see  is  California.'  So  we  went.  My! 
but  it  seemed  to  me  that  everybody  an'  his  wife 
had  taken  a  sudden  notion  to  go  to  California, 
just  because  we  had.  Some  folks  we  knew 
went  in  a  tourist  car  an'  we  used  to  go  back 
an'  stay  with  them  a  spell  every  day  just  for 
a  change.  Seemed  to  me  all  they  thought  of 
in  that  car  was  to  eat. 

2 


18  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

'  They  had  a  stove  fixed  so  you  could  make 
coffee  an'  bake  potatoes,  an'  then  the  porter 
would  set  up  little  tables  to  eat  from,  in  front 
of  the  seats.  One  big  fellow  spent  most  of  his 
time  eatin'  an'  kept  his  tired-lookin'  wife,  who 
wore  a  blue  calico  Mother  Hubbard,  cookin'  as 
if  he  never  had  anything  to  eat  in  Nebraska, 
an'  never  expected  to  get  anything  in  Califor 
nia.  I  don't  think  much  of  the  country  be 
tween  here  an'  California,  except  little  spots 
around  Denver  an'  Salt  Lake  City.  Saw 
some  Mormon  houses  around  there  built  so  you 
could  tell  how  many  wives  a  man  had  by  count- 
in'  the  new  rooms  that  had  been  added  to  the 
main  part — every  time  he  got  a  new  wife  he 
built  a  new  room. 

'  We  made  our  first  stop  at  Los  Angeles. 
When  Hiram  registered  at  the  hotel,  'Hiram 
Harrison  an'  wife,  Lincoln,  Nebraska,'  the 
man  behind  the  desk  smiled,  an'  said:  'From 
Bryan's  state,  I  see;'  an'  Hiram,  lookin'  half 
a  foot  taller,  answered:  'Yes,  sir;  from  the 
same  state,  county  an'  township;  in  fact,  my 
farm  corners  with  his'n  an'  a  better  neighbor 


AT   BUSCH'S   GARDENS  19 

I  never  had.'  The  folks  seemed  real  inter 
ested  to  hear  Hiram  tell  about  being  a  neigh 
bor  to  'the  greatest  man  in  America  today,' 
as  one  man  put  it. 

'  We  don't  seem  to  think  much  about  it  here 
livin'  so  close  to  him,  but  there's  lots  of  folks 
out  there  thinks  he  is  goin'  to  be  President  of 
the  United  States,  next  time — if  the  Republi 
cans  don't  snow  him  under  again. 

'  When  the  clerk  showed  us  our  room  it  felt 
real  chilly.  The  clerk  said  they  hadn't  started 
the  furnace  yet,  but  we  could  use  the  stove. 
When  we  saw  the  stove  we  both  laughed;  it 
wasn't  a  bit  bigger  than  our  coffee  pot;  beats 
all  what  little  stoves  they  use  out  there ;  looked 
like  a  case  of  too  much  stovepipe,  but  it  het  up 
all  right.  We  just  rented  a  room  at  this  hotel 
an'  et  our  meals  wherever  we  happened  to  be, 
when  we  were  out  sight-seeing ;  so  Hiram  says 
to  the  clerk:  '  I'm  hungry  as  a  wolf — tell'  me 
where  I'll  find  the  best  eatin'  place  in  town.' 
The  clerk  told  him  Leevies  or  some  such  name 
an'  there  we  went.  I  told  Hiram  I  guessed 
it  was  real  expensive,  but  he  'lowed  as  long  as 


20  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Bryan  et  there  it  couldn't  be  very  high,  bein's 
how  he  always  set  down  on  anything  over  a 
dollar  when  they  used  to  make  big  dinners  for 
him.  '  Besides,'  says  Hiram,  '  if  'twas  very 
high  priced  they  would  have  a  kitchen  'stead 
of  cookin'  in  the  front  room  to  save  rent.'  As 
luck  would  have  it,  I  left  my  glasses  in  my 
satchel  in  our  room,  an'  Hiram  left  his'n  in  his 
overcoat,  so  we  couldn't  see  a  thing  on  the 
bill-o-fare  or  men-you,  as  they  called  it. 

"So  we  told  the  waiter  we  knowed  what  we 
wanted,  without  readin'  it  off  from  a  printed 
paper.  So  Hiram  says :  '  Pheba,  let's  have  a 
dinner  just  like  we  would  have  in  Nebraska  on 
the  Fourth  of  July,  seem'  they  have  so  much 
garden  sass  an'  fruit  in  this  country.' 

*  All  right,'  I  said ;  and  he  ordered  soup 
an'  fish  an'  salads  an'  cucumbers  an'  mushrooms 
an'  fried  chicken  an'  cherry  pie  an'  puddin'  an' 
some  things  he  didn't  know  the  names  of,  but 
saw  others  eatin'.  I  told  him  not  to  be  so 
reckless,  but  he  said  he  guessed  folks  from 
Nebraska  could  eat  what  the  rest  of  the  world 
et ;  so  I  didn't  say  any  more,  seein'  how  he  was 


Besides, '  says  Hiram,  '  if  'twas  very  high  priced  they  would 
have  a  kitchen  'stead  of  cookin'  in  the  front  room  to  save 
rent.'  " 


AT   BUSCH'S   GARDENS  28 

enjoyin'  it,  especially  that  green  corn  on  the 
cob ;  really,  I  was  kind  of  ashamed  of  it,  for  I 
guess  he  et  eight  or  ten  ears.  Mandy,  that 
dinner  cost  us  ten  dollars  an'  twenty-five 
cents;  but  your  Uncle  was  game — after  the 
first  gasp  of  astonishment,  he  paid  it  like  it  was 
the  usual  thing ;  but  I  noticed  he  didn't  ask  any 
more  for  the  very  best  eatin'  places. 

'  The  next  place  we  et  at,  or  tried  to,  was  at 
a  cafeteria.  I  found  it  when  I  went  out  for 
a  walk  an'  Hiram  didn't  know  exactly  where 
he  was  goin',  or  what  he  was  goin'  to  do.  I 
says :  '  Now  Hiram,  you  just  watch  me  an' 
do  just  exactly  what  I  do.'  Well,  I  got  my 
handkerchief  out  an'  tucked  it  'n  my  belt,  an' 
bless  you  if  he  didn't  yank  out  his  hankerchief 
an'  tuck  it  under  his  vest.  It  looked  so  funny 
hangin'  down  in  front  of  him,  that  I  laughed 
an'  that  made  him  mad;  beats  all  how  men 
hate  to  be  laughed  at  when  they  do  something 
funny.  When  it  come  to  gettin'  the  trays, 
an'  grabbin'  silverware  an'  such,  he  got  so 
rattled,  he  said  '  Yes,'  to  everything  they  of 
fered  him  to  eat,  till  he  couldn't  get  anything 


24  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

else  on  his  tray.  Then  we  started  for  an 
empty  table,  Hiram  carryin'  the  tray  on  one 
hand  as  high  as  his  head. 

"  My!  It  was  awful!  I  sometimes  dream  of 
seein'  that  tray  wablin'  in  the  air  yet,  an'  seein' 
them  victuals,  boiled  cabbage,  custard  an' 
gravy,  come  slidin'  down  on  top  of  that  oldish 
man's  bald  head,  as  he  set  at  a  table  eatin'  his 
dinner.  At  first  he  only  bowed  his  head  to 
the  avalanche  of  dishes  an'  victuals,  but  when 
a  pot  of  hot  tea  come  whizzin'  along  an' 
struck  him'  plump  on  the  back  of  his  fat  neck, 
he  must  of  jumped  two-foot  straight  up  into 
the  air.  There  are  some  nice  folks  in  the 
world ;  for  that  poor  man  acted  like  a  hero,  an' 
begged  me  not  to  be  distressed.  As  for 
Hiram,  he  never  looked  back,  but  fled  toward 
the  door,  almost  upsettin'  the  folks  in  his  way. 
Some  of  the  folks  had  manners  enough  not  to 
laugh,  but  as  for  the  rest  of  them — well, 
mebby  some  of  them  are  laughin'  yet.  If  you 
want  to  see  your  Uncle  real  mad  just  say  cafe 
teria  to  him. 

"  The  next  day  we  went  to  Pasadena.     He 


AT    BUSCH'S    GARDENS  25 

made  me  real  ashamed  again.  As  we  went 
whizzin'  round  a  corner,  he  yelled  out:  '  Stop 
the  car,  somebody's  goin'  to  git  murdered; 
woman's  got  a  razor  back  there.'  He  acted  so 
scairt  they  stopped  the  car,  an'  when  Hiram 
pointed  back  to  the  place,  the  conductor  said: 
*  You  old  Hayseed,  didn't  you  never  see  a  lady 
barber  before? ' 

"  Exceptin'  for  that  episode,  I  enjoyed  the 
ride  between  Pasadena  an'  Los  Angeles  real 
well.  My!  when  I  get  tired  of  the  prairie  I 
can  just  shut  my  eyes  an'  think  of  them  green 
hills,  purttier  than  any  I  ever  see  painted  in 
any  picture ;  it's  a  shame  to  have  them  big  bill 
boards  stuck  all  over  them — but  then  I  will 
say  this  much,  they  are  about  the  neatest  bill 
boards  I  ever  see — some  of  them  had  pretty 
birds  an'  flowers,  an'  sheep ;  an'  one  had  a  boat 
an'  water  painted  on  it. 

When  we  got  to  Pasadena,  we  found  a  lot 
of  carriages  waitin'  for  us — how  in  the  world 
they  knowed  we  were  tourists  an'  wanted  to  take 
a  ride  is  past  me,  but  they  did;  Hiram  kicked 
on  the  price  till  one  jolly  lookin'  fellow  agreed 


26  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

to  take  us  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  apiece  cheaper 
than  the  others.  I  saw  him  wink  at  the  others 
like  as  if  he  thought  Hiram  was  pretty  close, 
but  at  last  we  got  started. 

*  Now,'  says  Hiram,  '  I'm  payin'  you  to 
tell  me  things  as  well  as  for  this  ride,  so  you 
just  work  your  jaw  a  little  an'  earn  them  two 
dollars,  will  you? ' 

'  What  fur  place  is  this? '  he  asked. 

'  That,'  said  the  driver,  lookin'  sober  round 
the  mouth,  but  his  black  eyes  twinklin',  '  is  the 
famous  Tourist  Club  of  Pasadena.  No  one 
can  belong  to  it  that  plays  cards,  smokes  or 
chews,  or  tells  yarns;  an'  besides  it  costs  a 
hundred  dollars  a  year  to  belong.' 

'  Humph,'  said  Hiram,  eyeing  it  with  dis 
approval,  '  couldn't  run  a  place  like  that  in 
Nebraska  a  week  less  twas  fur  a  passel  of  old 


women . 

« < 


This  place,'  says  the  driver,  pointin'  to  a 
kind  of  a  hilly  lookin'  piece  of  land,  '  is  the 
place  John  D.  Rockefeller  is  ofFerin'  to  the 
doctor  that  will  cure  him  of  dyspepsia  an' 
baldness  at  the  same  time.' 


AT   BUSCH'S   GARDENS  27 

'  We  are  now  on  the  Orange  Grove  drive, 
said  to  be  the  finest  street  in  the  world/  went 
on  the  driver  as  we  turned  the  corner. 

'  Where's  the  orange  groves? '  said  Hiram 
lookin'  round. 

"By  this  time  the  driver  spoke  again,  say- 
in'  :  '  Look  to  your  right,  an'  you  will  see 
the  Bushes  Famous  Sunken  Gardens.' 

'What  sunk  'em? '  says  Hiram. 
'  The   driver  looked  kind  of  startled  an' 
said :     *  Why,  the  earthquake  of  course — stood 
up  as  level  as  a  floor  before  that.' 

'Wai,  wall'  says  Hiram,  'I  wouldn't  a 
missed  this  fur  the  price  of  the  ride ;  ruined  all 
his   garden  truck,   too,   I   reckon;  don't  see 
nothin'  but  grass,  flowers  an'  sich.' 
"  *  Sure,'  answered  the  driver." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  HAS  A  STRENUOUS  DAY  IN 
PASADENA,  AND  FINALLY  BECOMES  IN 
CREDULOUS  ABOUT  THE  SAFETY  BALLOON 
ATTACHMENT  ON  THE  MT.  LOWE  RAIL 
WAY — EXPERIENCES  SOME  DIFFICULTY 
OVER  His  FIRST  TAMALE  AND  Is  JUSTLY 
INDIGNANT  AT  "SHELL  GAMES." 


AT  MOUNT  LOWE. 


it  1  ET'S  see,  Mandy,  where  was  I,  when 
^— '  your  Uncle  Hiram  come  home  for 
dinner,  an'  stopped  us  talkin'  about  Califor 
nia?"  said  Mrs.  Harrison.  "  Oh,  yes,"  she 
continued,  after  a  moment's  thought,  "  we 
were  out  takin'  a  carriage  ride  in  Pasadena. 
Well,  the  driver  stopped  the  horses,  up  on  a 
high  point  so  we  could  get  a  good  view  of  Mt. 
Lowe.  Mt.  High  would  have  been  a  better 
name  for  it,  seems  to  me.  '  How  in  the  world 
do  they  ever  get  up  there? '  said  Hiram,  '  an' 
how  in  creation  they  ever  got  the  lumber  up 
there  to  build  that  Tavern  beats  me.' 

'  They  have  a  car,  run  on  cables  that  hauls 
you  up,  nearly  straight  in  the  air  for  five 
thousand  feet,'  answered  the  driver.  *  S'posen 
the  cable  would  break? '  says  I.  It  seemed 
pretty  scary  business  to  me.  '  Oh,  they  have 
that  fixed  all  right,'  he  answered.  '  They 
have  a  lot  of  gas  stored  under  the  car,  an' 
when  a  cable  breaks  it  opens  a  valve,  an'  in 


32  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

a  jiffy  a  balloon  is  filled  with  gas;  the  balloon 
is  fastened  to  the  top  of  the  car  with  ropes, 
so  there  you  are  held  safe  an'  sound  till  the 
cable  is  fixed.  Safest  place  in  the  world  out 
side  your  own  bed.' 

"  '  Well,'  says  Hiram,  greatly  interested, '  if 
that's  the  way  she  works,  we'll  take  that  trip 
some  day.'  Then  he  showed  us  where  the  big 
searchlight  was,  away  up  on  the  side  of  a 
mountain,  an'  told  us  about  it,  sayin' :  *  They 
can  throw  that  light  all  over  Southern  Cali 
fornia;  one  minute  they  will  be  spyin'  out 
the  sights  at  Redlands  an'  Riverside,  an'  the 
next  they  will  be  lookin'  over  Los  Angeles  an' 
Long  Beach,  it  works  so  fast.  Grandest 
searchlight  you  ever  saw.' 

"  '  What  in  creation  are  they  searchin'  fur, 
anyway?'  asked  Hiram. 

'  Why,'   answered  the  driver,   '  that's  the 
way  they  find  out  how  big  the  tourist  crop  is.' 
"  On  our  way  back,  he  showed  us  some  old 
trees — bout  the  oldest  of  any  thereabouts. 

*  What  sort  of  trees  be  they?'  we  asked. 

'  Date  palms,'  he  answered. 


AT   MT.    LOWE  33 

"  '  Date  back  very  fur?'  asked  Hiram,  try- 
in'  to  be  funny. 

'  'Quite  a  spell,'  he  answered,  lookin'  as 
tho'  he  was  thinkin'  hard,  '  but  I  forget 
whether  they  was  planted  in  1771  or  1871.' 

"  Just  before  we  got  out  of  the  carriage, 
Hiram  said :  '  Now,  are  you  sure  you've 
showed  us  all  the  curiosities  we're  entitled  to 
see,  fur  a  two  dollar  ride?' 

"  '  There's  one  right  there,  you  ain't  seen/ 
says  he,  pointin'  his  buggy  whip  at  a  woman  on 
the  sidewalk,  across  the  street. 

"  '  Who,  that  woman?'  says  Hiram.  '  She 
ain't  no  curiosity;  country's  overrun  with  'em 
out  here.  What's  wrong  with  her?' 

'  She  stammers,'  answered  the  driver. 

'  Well,  what  ef  she  does?'  says  Hiram, 
'  I've  seen  lots  of  folks  that  stutters.' 

'  Ever  hear  a  woman  stutter?  Honor 
bright,  old  man,  did  you  ever?'  asked  the 
driver. 

"  Hiram  hates  to  give  in,  but  he  finally  had 
to  own  up  that  all  the  women  he  ever  had  any 


34  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

dealin's  with  had  their  talkin'  apparatus  in 
good  workin'  order. 

"  After  we  got  out  of  the  carriage,  Hiram 
spied  a  news  stand,  where  it  said  you  could  get 
all  your  'home  papers.'  When  your  Uncle 
found  the  one  he  wanted,  the  newsdealer  told 
him  it  was  ten  cents. 

"  '  Ten  cents!'  echoed  Hiram,  '  this  is  a  reg 
ular  hold-up;  keep  your  old  paper.  I  hain't 
a  fool  if  I  be  a  tourist !' 

"  He  hunted  all  over  the  town  an'  at  last  he 
give  it  up  an'  came  back  to  the  place  where 
I  was  waitin'  for  him.  Here  a  small  boy, 
who  had  been  an  interested  listener  to  the 
conversation  Hiram  had  with  the  newsdealer, 
said  softly,  as  he  sidled  up  to  us :  *  Mister, 
here's  your  home  paper  fur  a  nickel.' 

'  Your  Uncle  took  it,  lookin'  as  pleased  over 
savin'  that  nickel  as  if  his  wheat  was  turnin' 
out  forty  bushels  to  the  acre,  or  he  had  '  topped 
the  market '  with  a  load  of  fat  cattle  in  South 
Omaha.  He  hurried  me  into  a  little  station 
where  they  take  the  street  cars  for  Los  An 
geles.  We  got  seats,  an'  after  he  had  read  for 


\ 


AT   MT.    LOWE  35 

'bout  half  an  hour,  he  give  a  sigh  of  content 
an'  says:  '  Seems  awful  good  to  read  a  pa 
per  fresh  from  home  once  more.'  '  Any  news 
from  our  neighborhood?'  says  I. 

'  Why,  yes,'  he  says,  huntin'  the  place  an' 
readin'  out  loud :  '  Old  Settlers  have  their  pic 
nic  in  More's  Box  Elder  Grove  next  Tuesday ; 
Hen  Scott  lost  four  hogs,  drivin'  them  to 
market  Monday  mornin'.  Thermometer 
stood  for  three  hours  Monday  afternoon  at  100 
above  zero,  in  the  shade.'  '  Great  Guns!'  says 
Hiram,  '  an'  California  braggin'  about  it  bein' 
eighty.  Nebraska  can  beat  the — ' 

'  Hiram  Harrison!'  says  I,  interruptin' 
him,  for  I  know  it  is  a  long  wait  when  he  gets 
to  bio  win'  about  Nebraska,  '  What's  the  date 
of  that  paper?'  He  looked  at  the  date  an'  then 
at  me,  kind  o'  dazed  like,  through  his  specks. 
The  paper  was  six  months  old. 

'  Well,  we  was  gettin'  hungry  by  this  time 
an'  as  the  driver  had  been  tellin'  us  about  ta- 
males,  we  thought  we'd  try  'em;  'twould  be 
something  new  to  tell  the  neighbors  'bout  when 
we  got  back  home.  We  hadn't  either  of  us 


36  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

seen,  much  less  et  one ;  so  when  the  darkey  put 
them  down  in  front  of  us  on  a  plate,  with  an 
other  plate  in  between  us,  we  hadn't  the  least 
notion  where  we  was  to  tackle  'em  fust.  I 
tried  to  cut  mine  through  the  middle,  but  the 
knife  was  so  dull  it  was  slow  work.  Hiram 
took  his  in  both  hands  like  he  eats  green  corn 
on  the  cob.  He  took  a  bite — bit  hard,  too, 
but  he  didn't  do  a  thing  but  yank  his  false 
teeth  out  on  his  plate.  He's  sensitive  about 
them  teeth,  an'  you  ought  to  a  seen  him  clap 
'em  back  in  his  mouth,  an'  look  around  to  see 
if  anyone  was  lookin'  our  way. 

"  '  Pheba,'  he  says,  '  lets  get  out  of  here  an' 
get  something  we  can  eat  without  breakin*  a 
jaw.'  Just  then  a  darkey  waiter  who  had 
been  watchin'  us  with  the  whites  of  his  eyes 
rollin'  around  in  his  head,  come  up  an' 
showed  us  how  to  undo  the  things. 

"  Then,  when  he  had  scraped  out  the  kernel, 
as  Hiram  called  it,  he  poured  over  it  a  little 
pitcher  full  of  something  that  looked  like 
ketchup — we  found  out  after  we  had  et  it, 
though,  that  it  was  mostly  red  pepper.  It 


AT   MT.   LOWE  37 

nearly  burned  us  to  death,  an'  I'll  bet  we  drunk 
a  quart  of  water  afterwards.  '  No  more  dago 
grub  for  me,'  says  Hiram.  After  we  left  the 
restaurant,  I  went  to  look  for  souvenirs,  an' 
of  course  your  Uncle  had  to  tag  along  an' 
bother  me.  He  always  acts  mean  when  I  get 
on  a  souvenir  hunt,  as  he  calls  'em;  it  ain't  so 
much  the  money  as  it  is  he's  afraid  I'll  make 
him  lug  'em  around.  There  were  some  things 
in  a  curio  store  that  I  thought  was  real  cute; 
one  was  a  box  of  oranges,  not  much  bigger  than 
marbles;  real  oranges,  too,  in  little  boxes,  all 
packed  ready  to  send  away.  The  other  was 
a  horned  toad  put  between  two  pieces  of  bread 
just  like  a  real  sandwich.  Of  course  it  was 
only  meant  for  a  joke,  but  your  Uncle  never 
could  see  a  joke,  an'  besides  his  mouth  was 
burning  awful  from  eatin'  that  tamale,  so  at 
first  glance  he  thought  it  really  was  to  eat,  an' 
a  madder  man  you  never  saw. 

'  Fix  up  something  else  smart  to  nearly 
kill  folks  with,  will  you?'  he  yelled  at  the  man 
who  was  showin'  them  to  me.  '  S'pose  you 
would  come  back  to  Nebraska  an'  we'd  fix  up 


38  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

grasshopper  sandwiches  to  sell  you,  an'  little 
wormy  apples  at  a  quarter  a  box,  an'  corn  meal 
an'  cayenne  pepper  tied  up  in  corn  shucks,  to 
burn  the  livers  outen  you?' 

'  The  man  who  had  'em  to  sell  was  too  as 
tonished  to  answer;  guess  he  thought  your 
Uncle  had  a  '  brain  storm  '  if  he  wa'n't  actually 
crazy.  Anyway,  I  got  him  out  on  the  side 
walk  an'  after  we  had  seen  some  movin'  pic 
tures  up  the  street  aways,  he  got  in  a  better 
humor  an'  I  thought  I'd  try  it  again. 

'  We  went  into  another  store — never  saw  so 
many  pretty  curios  as  they  had  there.  I 
bought  the  Mission,  poppy  and  poinsettia  pil 
lows  there.  I  could  have  stayed  in  there  all 
afternoon,  but  Hiram  kept  edgin'  toward  the 
door,  an'  a-hurryin'  of  me  up.  Just  as  we  was 
leavin,  the  clerk  called  me  back  an'  says :  *  We 
have  a  little  novelty  here  I  want  to  show  you. 
It  is  called  Pasadena  in  a  nutshell.'  An'  sure 
enough,  there  was  a  lot  of  little  pictures  of 
Pasadena  in  an  ordinary  lookin'  English  wal 
nut  shell,  that  shut  an'  opened  as  cute  as  you 
please. 


AT   MT.    LOWE  39 

"  Your  Uncle  Hiram  is  a  little  hard  of  hear- 
in',  so  he  didn't  hear  what  the  clerk  said  to  me, 
but  he  caught  sight  of  the  shell  and  yelled  out : 
*  No,  you  don't  come  any  of  your  shell  games 
on  us!  Take  me  fur  a  regular  greenhorn,  do 
you?  Wasn't  I  flimflammed  out  of  ten  dol 
lars  in  a  shell  game  at  the  State  Fair  once  by 
jest  such  a  sharper  as  you?' 

'  Pheba,  he'd  a  flimflammed  you  sure  if  I 
hadn't  a  ben  along  to  protect  you,'  he  said,  as 
he  hurried  me  into  the  street.  An'  to  this  day 
I  can't  make  Hiram  think  any  different. 

"  About  midnight,  I  woke  an'  found  Hiram 
restless  an'  wideawake.  '  What  ails  you?'  says 
I.  *  Nothin',  he  answered.  '  Only  I  was  try- 
in'  to  figger  out  how  they  got  that  balloon  filled 
with  gas  quick  enough  to  ketch  that  car  on  Mt. 
Lowe.  Say,  Pheba,  I  wonder  if  that  driver 
man  could  a-lied  a  little?'  *  I  wonder,  too,'  I 
answered  as  I  trailed  off  to  sleep  again." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  OBJECTS  TO  Too  MUCH  REAL 
ISM  IN  PERSONAL  DESCRIPTION  AND  AUNT 
PHEBA  FINDS  IT  HARD  TO  DESCRIBE  HER 
OWN  HUSBAND — IN  AND  OUT  OF  A 
BATHING  SUIT — THE  WAY  OF  THE  LONG 
BEACH  FLEA  Is  PAST  FINDING  OUT. 


AT  LOS  ANGELES. 


4  4  T^V  ID  I  ever  tell  you,  Mandy,  'bout  me 
*^  an'  your  Uncle  gettin'  lost  from  each 
other  in  Los  Angeles?  No;  well  we  did,  as 
lost  as  the  '  Babes  in  the  Woods.'  The  hotels 
were  all  full  when  we  got  there,  except  one  or 
two  of  them  high-priced  ones.  We  went  to 
one  an'  looked  at  the  rooms,  but  when  the  clerk 
told  us  they  charged  ten  dollars  a  day,  Hiram 
told  him  he  wouldn't  give  that  much  a  day  for 
the  whole  tavern. 

"  A  man  who  saw  us  huntin'  round,  told  us 
about  some  nice  rooms  clos't  to  a  restaurant,  out 
Westlake  way.  Hiram  went  out  to  see  'em, 
an'  likin'  them  furstrate,  come  back  an'  got  the 
satchels  an'  things.  I  wasn't  quite  ready  to 
go,  as  I  had  broke  one  of  the  glasses  in  my 
specks  an'  was  gettin'  it  mended.  So  Hiram 
gave  me  a  card  with  the  number  of  the  house 
an'  the  name  of  the  street  on  it,  an'  told  me  to 
give  it  to  the  street  car  conductor  an'  he  would 
put  me  off  the  right  place.  When  I  started 


44  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

to  get  on  the  car  an  hour  later,  I  got  mixed  up 
in  an  automobile  an'  street  car  accident  an' 
come  nigh  gettin'  killed.  I  wan't  hurt  a  mite, 
but  when  I  come  to  look  for  that  card  it  had 
disappeared.  I  guess  I  spent  a  half  hour  goin' 
up  an'  down  that  street  a-huntin'  for  it.  Bye 
an'  bye,  a  policeman  spied  me  an'  asked  what 
was  wrong.  I've  heard  folks  laugh  an'  say, 
'  tell  your  troubles  to  the  policeman,'  but  that 
was  the  time  I  was  mighty  glad  of  the  chance, 
an'  him  so  nice  about  it,  too.  He  advised  me 
to  go  into  a  drug  store,  an'  watch  the  street  an' 
mebby  Hiram  would  come  lookin'  for  me,  an' 
in  the  meantime  he  would  keep  a  lookout  for 
him,  too ;  if  neither  of  us  see  him  in  an  hour,  he* 
would  take  me  to  the  police  station,  where  'twas 
more'n  likely  we  would  hear  from  him.  Then 
he  asked  me  for  a  description  of  Hiram.  Say, 
Mandy,  did  you  ever  try  to  write  a  description 
of  some  of  your  own  family?  Well,  jest  you 
try  it  sometime  an'  see  how  funny  it  reads.  I 
thought  I  knew  Hiram  Harrison  if  I  ever 
knowed  anyone,  but  this  was  the  best  I  could 
do :  '  Hiram  Harrison ;  past  middle  age ; 


AT   LOS   ANGELES  45 

smallish  like ;  walks  tired  from  havin'  corns  on 
left  toes;  squints  right  eye  an'  has  large  black 
mole  on  lobe  of  left  ear;  bald  spot  on  top  of 
head ;  wore  salt  an'  pepper  suit  an'  red  necktie.' 
'  Well,  neither  of  us  saw  anything  of 
Hiram,  so  the  policeman  took  me  to  the  sta 
tion;  pretty  soon  the  telephone  (real  near  me) 
rang,  an'  I  could  hear  Hiram's  voice  plain  as 
day.  He  always  yells  into  a  telephone  like 
as  if  'twas  a  lung  tester.  I  used  to  tell  him, 
if  he  would  stand  out  in  the  yard  an'  holler  as 
loud  as  he  does  into  the  telephone,  the  neigh 
bors  could  hear  him  for  miles  around,  an'  we'd 
save  a  telephone  bill.  The  man  who  answered 
the  'phone,  said:  'All  right;  jest  give  me  a  de 
scription;'  an'  I  heard  sich  scraps  as  this: 
'  Oldish  woman ;  fat ;  false  teeth ;  number  six 
shoes ;  had  a  bunnet  on  with  something  stickin' 
up  in  front,  an'  something  thin  floppin'  down 
the  back.'  The  man  at  the  'phone  looked  at 
me  an'  smiled;  an'  said:  'All  right;  I  guess 
we've  got  her.'  It  meant  me  all  right,  an' 
glad  as  I  was  at  bein'  found,  I  was  mad  clear 
through  at  Hiram  a-describin'  of  me  that  way. 


46  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

I  reckon  a  woman  never  lives  long  enough  to 
get  used  to  bein'  called  old,  an'  I  never  wear 
number  sixes  only  when  he  buys  my  shoes. 
He's  so  close  he  always  gets  all  he  can  of  any 
thing,  if  it  don't  cost  any  more.  Pretty  soon 
Hiram  come ;  seems  the  policeman  that  brought 
me  to  the  station  had  spotted  him  all  right 
from  my  description,  for  he  held  the  paper  in 
his  hand  an'  after  we  got  settled  in  our  room 
he  put  on  his  specks  an'  read  it.  My!  but  he 
was  mad  as  a  hornet,  an'  says :  '  What  ye 
mean  givin'  such  a  crazy  description  of  me  as 
this  to  that  policeman?  Couldn't  rest  'thout 
spureadin'  it  round  all  over  Los  Angeles  'bout 
that  mole  on  my  ear;  that  bald  spot  seems  to 
hurt  you  too.  Did  ye  reckon  perlicemen  ain't 
got  nothin'  to  do  but  to  stan'  round  snatchin' 
off  men's  hats  to  see  if  they  are  bald-headed? 
Corns  nothin'!'  he  snorted,  as  he  read  on; 
'  didn't  tell  him,  I  reckon,  I  was  loaded  down 
within  an  inch  of  my  life,  luggin'  round  them 
old  satchels  stuffed  with  souvenirs  an'  shirt 
waists?  From  this  writeup,  folks  would  think 
I  was  some  little  squinty  runt,  totterin'  like's 


AT   LOS   ANGELES  47 

if  I  was  walkin'  on  eggs  with  my  feet  kivered 
with  corns,  an'  a  mole  on  my  ear  as  big  as  a 
pertater;  if  this  truck  had  cum  out  in  the  pa 
pers,  describin'  of  me  I'd  a  left  the  country. 
You  have  taught  me  a  lesson  tho,  Pheba,  an' 
I'll  have  it  understood  here  an'  now  that  when 
my  obituary  is  writ,  there  ain't  agoin'  to  be  no 
such  mess  of  facts  dished  up  to  be  printed  in 
no  paper.  No,  siree;  I'll  write  it  myself  an' 
I'll  bet  a  cooky  I  can  describe  Hiram  Harrison, 
Esq.,  'thout  bringin'  up  every  mole  an'  squint 
an'  corn  he  ever  had.'  Exceptin'  that  spat, 
we  had  a  real  good  time  out  Westlake  way; 
but  after  while,  Hiram  took  a  notion  he  wanted 
to  go  to  Long  Beach.  That's  the  place  to 
have  fun;  they  call  it  the  Coney  Island  of  the 
Pacific.  I  don't  know  anything  about  Coney, 
but  I  do  know  there's  something  doin'  down  at 
Long  Beach  most  of  the  time.  My  first 
thought  on  wakin'  in  the  mornin'  was  that  I 
was  back  here  an'  them  boomin'  waves  made 
me  think  'twas  goin'  to  be  another  windy  day. 
'Twas  the  first  time  eitKer  of  us  ever  see  the 
ocean  an'  our  emotions  would  be  hard  to  de- 


48  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

scribe.  Someway  it  give  me  the  same  lone 
some  f eelin'  I  had  when  I  fust  saw  the  prairie, 
stretchin'  away  an'  away,  to  meet  nothin'  but 
the  sky.  But  Hiram  liked  the  place,  an'  took 
in  everything,  from  a  swim  in  the  ocean  to  the 
skatin'  rink.  The  first  mornin'  we  went  out 
fur  a  walk,  we  come  across  the  bones  of  the 
biggest  fish  I  ever  hear  tell  of.  '  Land  of  sakes 
an'  goodness !'  says  I  to  Hiram ;  '  I  wouldn't  a 
believed  it  if  I  hadn't  see  it  with  my  own  eyes !' 
But  Hiram  wouldn't  stop,  an'  pullin'  me  by,  as 
fast  as  he  could,  he  said:  '  Come  on,  Pheba, 
an'  don't  act  so  green;  we  let  that  carriage 
driver  in  Pasadena  make  a  pack  of  fools  of  us, 
an'  they  ain't  goin'  to  work  that  game  on  me 
in  Long  Beach.  Let  'em  show  their  old 
wooden  fish  bones  to  someone  who  hain't  onto 
their  big  yarns  yet.'  I  heard  afterwards  'twas 
a  real  whalefish,  sixty  foot  long,  they'd  saved 
the  bones  of,  but  you  couldn't  a-made  your 
Uncle  believe  it,  if  all  of  Long  Beach  had  stood 
up  in  a  row  an'  made  affidavits  to  the  fact. 

'  Well,  nothin'  would  do  Hiram  but  I  must 
get  a  bathin'  suit  jest  because  he  did.     Hiram, 


AT    LOS    ANGELES  49 

like  many  another,  looked  just  awful  in  his'n. 
It  was  a  whole  week  before  I  quit  wonderin' 
every  time  he  donned  it,  how  I  ever  could 
a-thought  him  good  lookin'  enough  to  marry; 
he  looked  all  head,  feet  an'  jints.  At  last, 
gettin'  kind  of  used  to  seein'  all  sorts  an'  con 
ditions  of  my  fellar  critters,  as  revealed  to  me 
through  the  medium  of  a  bathin'  suit,  I  picked 
up  courage  an'  surprised  Hiram,  by  appearin' 
in  one  myself.  My!  but  it  felt  short  an'  funny, 
an'  I  believe  I'd  a-gone  back  an'  took  it  off  if 
Hiram  hadn't  made  me  mad,  by  yellin'  as  soon 
as  he  caught  sight  of  me:  '  Sho,  Pheba,  go 
back,  go  back  quick  and  take  it  off;  you  look 
jest  like  the  fat  woman  we  see  in  the  sideshow 
at  the  State  Fair.'  He  comes  splashin*  up  to 
me  an'  was  tryin'  to  lead  me  back,  when  I  give 
him  a  push,  a  mite  harder  mebby  than  I  in 
tended  to,  an'  landed  him  back  where  a  big 
wave  caught  him  an'  he  swallered  about  a  gal 
lon  of  brine  an'  nearly  choked  to  death.  It 
made  me  mad  to  be  coaxed  into  a  thing  an' 
then  be  made  fun  of,  an'  wear  it  I  did,  even 
when  I  heard  a  smarty  aleck  say,  when  he  saw 


50  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

me :  '  Now,  look  out,  the  ocean  will  be  raised 
about  a  foot  when  she  gets  in.'  I  guess  I 
didn't  attract  any  more  attention  than  your 
Uncle  tho;  for  he  was  a  sight  after  he  got 
stung  by  one  of  them  fish  that  flops  his  tail  up 
an'  stings  you  when  you  tramps  them;  they 
call  'em  stingaries.  After  he  got  stung,  he 
bought  him  a  pair  of  high-topped  rubber 
boots,  an'  tied  'em  tight  with  a  big  cord,  around 
his  legs  just  below  his  knees;  I  don't  like  to 
make  fun  of  my  own  husband,  but  I  must 
confess  he  did  look  funny,  awful  funny  in  that 
rig. 

'  I  caught  my  first  California  flea  at  Long 
Beach.  They  wan't  anyways  near  as  bad  as 
we  used  to  hear  they  was  tho.  I  remember 
readin'  once  in  a  book  where  it  said :  '  You 
can  go  to  the  California  beaches  an'  take  up  a 
handful  of  sand  an'  the  fleas  will  kick  it  all 
away  by  the  time  they  get  out.'  Speakin'  of 
fleas,  makes  me  think  of  San  Diego.  We 
went  out  for  a  walk  there  one  evenin',  an' 
stopped  with  a  lot  of  other  folks  who  hadn't 
anything  better  to  do,  an'  listened  to  a  wild- 


AT   LOS   ANGELES  51 

eyed  orator,  who  stood  on  a  box  on  a  street 
corner,  makin'  a  speech.  A  tall,  lank  fellow 
stood  by  us  tryin'  to  listen,  too ;  but  every  few 
seconds  he  would  hitch  up  one  shoulder,  roll 
his  quid  of  tobacco  to  the  other  side  of  his  long 
jaw,  an'  dig  hisself  on  the  back  bone;  then  he 
wouldn't  no  more'n  get  to  listemn'  again  'till 
he  would  hitch  up  his  pants  leg  an'  rake  away 
at  his  shin  like  one  possessed.  He  kept  up 
them  antics  for  some  time,  dividin'  his  atten 
tion  between  the  scratchin'  an'  the  speakin'. 
Finally  the  speaker  worked  up  to  a  frenzy  by 
his  own  eloquence,  I  reckon,  yelled :  '  One  of 
the  burnin'  questions  of  the  hour  is:  '  What 
shall  we  do  with  our  Ex-Presidents?"  can  any 
one  answer?' 

'  There  was  a  dead  silence  for  a  minute ; 
then  that  scratchin'  fellow,  after  a  desperate 
attempt  to  reach  an  unreachable  spot  between 
his  shoulder  blades,  yelled  back :  '  Send  'em  to 
San  Diego,  an'  keep  'em  out  of  mischief  fight- 
in'  fleas.'  " 


UNCLE  HIRAM  AND  AUNT  PHEBA  HAVE  THE 
TIME  OF  THEIR  LIVES  AND  SURPASS  ALL 
OTHER  EXPERIENCES  HAVING  THEIR 
PICTURES  "TOOK"  TO  APPEAR  IN  THE 
"HISTORY  OF  LANCASTER  COUNTY,"  A 
FAMOUS  WORK. 


AT  STUDIO  STECKELL. 


44  ¥  AM  glad  you  liked  the  pictures,  Mandy," 
*  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  that  me 
an'  your  Uncle  had  taken  in  Los  Angeles. 
Goodness  knows,  we  had  trouble  enough  hav- 
in'  them  took.  We  didn't  start  out  in  the  first 
place  to  have  them  pictures  made;  it  jest  come 
by  chance,  as  it  were.  We  heard  some  other 
tourists,  who  was  eatin'  in  the  same  restaurant 
where  we  was  eatin',  talkin'  about  havin'  some 
fake  pictures  made  to  send  back  home,  an' 
nothin'  would  do  Hiram  but  we  must  go  an' 
have  some  taken,  too.  '  Jest  think',  says  he, 
'  how  astonished  the  folks  back  there  will  be  to 
see  me  a  runnin'  of  that  automobile  at  nearly 
a  hundred  miles  an  hour.' 

'  Well,  we  went,  an'  I  do  say  fur  natural 
ness,  Hiram's  picture  was  a  success.  When 
my  time  come,  I  had  my  choice  of  runnin'  an 
automobile  or  standin'  by  an'  lettin'  on  likes 
if  I'de  jest  caught  a  big  fish,  or  ridin'  a  rearin' 
broncho,  or  pickin'  oranges  in  a  orange  grove. 


56  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

I  thought  pickin'  oranges  would  be  the  most 
becomin'  for  a  woman  of  my  years,  so  the  man 
histed  a  ladder  up  against  the  orange  tree  an' 
I  clim  up  an'  set  on  the  top  of  it.  Then  the 
picture  man  run  back  aways  an'  peeped  at  me 
through  a  little  box  with  a  curtain  over  it,  an' 
told  me  how  to  pose.  *  Your  profile  is  good,' 
says  he,  '  so  you  may  just  turn  to  the  right  a 
little  an'  be  a  reachin'  for  that  top  orange.' 

'  Well,  I  done  jest  as  he  told  me  to,  but  jest 
as  I  give  myself  a  turn,  an'  reached  for  the 
orange  there  was  a  squeak,  an'  a  bang,  an'  in 
another  second  the  air  was  full  of  arms,  an' 
feet,  an'  orange  boughs,  an'  ladders.  Just 
then  I  heard  the  machine  click  an'  the  next  thing 
I  knowed  Hiram  was  bendin'  over  me,  askin' 
me  where  I  was  killed. 

"  Say,  Mandy,  I  saw  the  picture  afterwards, 
that  picture  man  took  of  me  durin'  the 
catastrophe.  Talk  about  your  movin'  pic 
tures  ;  they  wan't  in  it  along  with  mine.  Flyin' 
pictures,  or  cyclone  pictures,  would  a  been  a 
better  name.  Four  heads,  eight  arms,  not  to 
mention  ladder  an'  orange  boughs,  goin'  round 


AT    STUDIO    STECKELL  57 

like  a  wheel  of  fortune  tryin'  to  see  how  many 
times  they  could  get  took  in  a  few  seconds. 

"The  picture  man  was  amazed  when  he  see 
what  he  had  done.  Said  'twas  the  most  re 
markable  photograph  he  ever  see  an'  wanted 
to  send  it  to  the  curiosity  department  of  the 
Strand  Magazine.  But  Hiram  told  him  if  he 
did,  he'd  use  the  law,  or  his  fist  on  him,  one  or 
t'other,  an'  mebby  both.  The  picture  man  was 
kind  of  scairt  an'  said  he  was  jest  suggesting 
an'  thought,  praps,  we'd  be  proud  of  it. 

'  Proud  of  it,  nothin!'  stormed  Hiram. 
'  Things  are  comin'  to  a  purty  pass,  when  a 
man's  proud  to  see  his  wife,  who  weighs  nearly 
two  hundred  pounds,  a-caravoutin'  around  in 
the  air  with  four  heads,  not  to  mention  them 
sixteen  bans'  an'  feet ;  couldn't  a-looked  wus  if 
she'd  bin  blowed  to  pieces  with  damanite.' 

'  Your  Uncle's  as  stubborn  as  a  mule,  an' 
when  we  got  out  on  the  sidewalk,  seem'  I 
looked  kind  of  played  out  from  takin'  sich 
vigorous  exercise,  he  says :  '  Pheba,  we  started 
out  to  have  our  pictures  took  an'  no  circus  per 
formance  like  that  is  goin'  to  scare  me  out. 


58  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

Let's  go  an'  have  some  good  old  fashioned  pic 
tures,  'thout  any  of  them  new  fangled  capers 
in  'em,  taken.' 

"So  we  asked  a  policeman  where  the  best 
picture  taker  in  town  lived,  an'  he  said  a  man 
on  Broadway  named  Steckell  Studio,  or  Studio 
Steckell,  I  forget  which,  made  fine  pictures. 
Hiram  said  he  wanted  the  best  because  he  had 
paid  an  editor  in  Lincoln  who  was  gettin'  up 
an  Atlas,  or  History  of  Lancaster  County,  a 
hundred  dollars  fur  a  place  fur  our  pictures 
an'  a  writeup  of  the  farm.  '  An',  says  Hiram, 
'  while  we  have  plenty  of  time,  we  will  have 
them  took,  an'  I  won't  have  to  lay  off  a  day 
next  summer  when  farm  work's  a  rushin'  to 
have  it  done.  'Spect  it  will  cost  like  sixty  out 
here  to  get  'em ;.  wouldn't  wonder  if  'twould 
cost  three  or  four  dollars  a  dozen.  The  last 
ones  we  had  took  in  that  photo  car,  cost  two  a 
dozen,  but  I  never  liked  'em;  made  you  look 
as  big  as  a  bar'l,  an'  I  never  sensed  it  how  I 
really  did  look,  from  that  mole  on  my  ear 
stickin'  out,  an'  claimin'  all  the  attention. 
I'm  goin'  to  turn  sideways  this  time,  an'  have 


AT    STUDIO    STECKELL  59 

just  a  half  face  took,  so  as  that  mole  will  come 
on  'tother  side  of  my  face.  Mebby  if  you  was 
to  stand  sideways,  Pheba,  'twould  make  you 
look  slimmer  than  you  did  in  the  last  one.' 

'  We  found  the  number,  an'  went  up  in  an 
elevator  into  a  nice  big  room  with  a  lot  of  pic 
tures  hangin'  on  the  wall.     A  couple  (man  an' 
his  wife,  I  guess,  fur  he  set  down  in  a  chair  an' 
never  offered  it  to  her),  was  a-lookin'  at  the 
pictures.     '  There's  Maud  Blosoman,'  said  the 
woman,    lookin'    at   the    picture    of   a   long- 
featured  woman  in  a  white  dress  an'  big  black 
hat — picture  hat,  she  called  it,  but  I  know  they 
wear  'em  other  places  besides  to  have  their  pic 
tures  taken  in,  because  Herman's  wife  wore 
hers  whenever  she  took  a  notion.    'How  in  the 
world  Steckell  can  make  a  pretty  lookin'  pic 
ture  out  of  her,'  said  the  woman,  lookin'  at 
the   picture  hat  lady,   'an  still  have  it  look 
enough  like  her  to  know  her  without  bein'  told, 
is  beyond  me.     They  say,  though  if  a  woman 
has  decent  eyes  an'  hair  an'  a  longish  neck  he 
can  do  the  rest ;  if  her  nose  is  long  he  tilts  her 
head  back,  an'  if  it's  snubby,  she  drops  her 
face  a  mite.' 


60  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

'  Yes,'  answered  the  man,  ill-natured  like, 
'  that's  the  reason  he  has  the  swellhead,  an' 
charges  such  awful  prices.  Jest  so  long/  says 
he,  '  as  he  can  make  a  homely  woman  look 
pretty,  jest  so  long  will  the  vain  creatures  pat 
ronize  him.'  An'  havin'  relieved  his  feelin's, 
he  stroked  his  Vandyke  beard,  with  the  hand 
that  had  the  diamond  ring  on  it,  an'  admired 
hisself  in  a  long  lookin'  glass. 

"  Bye  an'  bye,  a  pretty  girl,  with  the  big 
gest  pompadour  an'  the  straightest  front  waist 
I  ever  see,  come  out  from  behind  the  counter 
an'  told  us  our  turn  would  come  pretty  soon. 
'Twas  nearly  noon  an'  Hiram  was  gettin'  hun 
gry,  so  he  says  we  might  as  well  get  ready  an' 
not  keep  'em  waitin'  on  us,  so  he  moved  his 
chair  along  side  of  mine,  an'  while  I  looked 
full  faced  forward,  he  looked  half  faced  side 
ways  to  hide  his  mole.  Then  he  put  his  arm 
around  the  back  of  my  chair,  an'  tried  to  take 
one  of  my  hands  with  his  other  free  one ;  some 
how  I  felt  kind  of  silly  with  a  lot  of  folks 
lookin'  at  us,  an'  I  wouldn't  let  him. 

"  '  What  ails  you? '  he  said.     '  Do  you  want 


AT    STUDIO    STECKELJL  61 

folks  at  home  to  think  we  ain't  on  friendly 
terms?  You  know  'twill  make  talk,  an*  be 
sides  we've  allays  had  our  pictures  taken  some 
sich  way.'  We  set  there  a  spell,  folks  a-lookin' 
in  at  us  kind  of  queer,  till  I  got  so  nervous 
that  Hiram's  hand,  hangin'  down  in  front  of 
my  shoulder,  looked  as  big  an'  brown  as  one 
of  them  little  California  hams. 

"  After  awhile,  a  man  come  rushin'  out  of 
another  room  like  as  if  he  was  tryin'  to  catch 
a  train.  When  he  sees  us  settin'  there  already 
posed,  he  stopped  as  quick  as  if  he'd  bein  shot, 
an'  stood  lookin'  at  us.  Hiram  was  cross,  an' 
he  says:  '  Mebbey  after  you've  looked  at  us  a 
year  or  two  you'll  hustle  'round  an'  take  our 
pictures!'  The  man,  after  chucklin'  to  hisself 
like,  said:  '  This  is  the  reception  room;  come 
this  way.' 

"  When  we  got  into  the  room  where  the  sky 
light  an'  things  was,  we  posed  ourselves  again, 
but  the  picture  man  rushed  up  an'  jerked 
Hiram's  arm  from  around  my  shoulder. 
'  What  you  mean  by  that,  Mr.  Studio  Steckell, 
or  whatever  yer  name  is  ? '  says  Hiram,  red  in 


62  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

the  face.  '  I  let  you  know  I  contracted  more 
than  thirty  years  ago  fur  the  right  to  put  my 
arm  'round  that  woman's  shoulder  whenever  I 
blamed  pleased.  Thought  she  was  a  bloomin' 
stranger  I  picked  up  on  the  street  to  have  my 
picture  taken  with,  I  reckon ! ' 

'  When  the  picture  man  went  out  fur  a  min 
ute  I  said :  '  Let's  try  that  pose  we  have  in 
them  pictures  we  had  taken  before  we  was  mar 
ried;  you  settin'  an'  me  standin'  with  my  hand 
on  your  shoulder.'  I  always  liked  that  style, 
but  I'll  admit  it  does  make  a  man  look  smaller 
settin',  an'  a  woman  standin'  look  bigger. 
But  it  seems  to  be  an  unwritten  law  ever  since 
picture  takin'  was  invented  to  take  'em  that 
way,  an'  if  a  woman  don't  look  well  it's  one  of 
the  penalties  she  has  to  pay  fur  marryin'  a 
small  man.  Mebby  it's  comin'  in  style  now, 
though ;  I  notice  they  are  makin'  all  them  Gib 
son  wimmen  bigger  than  the  men. 

'When  the  picture  man  come  back  an'  see 
us  fixed  that  way,  he  tore  around,  an'  grabbed 
off  Hiram's  hat  he  was  a  wearin'  to  hide  hi* 
bald  spot,  an'  pulled  my  hair  loose  around  my 


41  Mebby  if  you  was  to  stand  side- ways,  Phebe,  'twould  mak* 
you  look  slimmer." 


AT    STUDIO    STECKELL  65 

face  an'  bossed  us  around  till  Hiram  was  in 
fur  leavin'.  He  combed  Hiram's  hair  over  the 
bald  spot  an'  made  him  set  three-quarters  in 
stead  of  half  face. 

"  '  What  are  you  grinnin'  about?'  he  asked 
Hiram.  '  Why,'  says  Hiram,  '  so  as  I'll  be 
ready  when  you  tell  me  to  look  pleasant,  of 
course.'  '  If  you  call  that  lookin'  pleasant  I'd 
hate  to  see  you  tickled  right  bad,'  said  Mr. 
Steckell. 

"  Wai,  he  clawed  Hiram's  whiskers,  an' 
fixed  our  hands  natural  like,  an'  throwed  my 
lace  scarf  around  my  shoulders,  an'  then  he 
said :  '  Well,  I  guess  you  will  do  now,  but  as 
you  both  look  like  you  was  settin'  in  a  dentist's 
chair  ready  to  have  a  tooth  pulled,  I'd  advise 
you  to  think  of  something  funny  an'  get  that 
set  look  off  your  faces.  Now  think  of  the 
funniest  thing  you  ever  heard  or  saw,'  an'  he 
smiled  at  us  real  pleasant.  Just  then  Hiram 
bust  right  out  lafin'  till  you  could  a  heard  him 
a  block.  He  said  afterwards  he  got  to  thinkin' 
how  funny  I  looked  when  I  was  havin'  that 
movin'  picture  took. 


66  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

'  When  we  showed  them  pictures  to  the 
folks  in  the  apartment  house,  their  opinions 
was  diversified.  One  oldish  feller,  who  had 
horses  on  the  brain,  told  Hiram  if  it  made  that 
much  difference  in  his  looks  to  be  groomed, 
he'd  advise  him  to  buy  a  curry  comb  an'  fix 
hisself  up  every  day.  He  said  I  looked  as 
pleased  with  myself,  with  my  head  reined  up, 
as  if  I'd  jest  come  under  the  pole  with  flyin' 
colors. 

"  I  never  did  understand  race  track  talk; 
the  only  race  horse  I  ever  saw,  bein'  that  Jay 
See  Eye  they  had  down  to  the  State  Fair  once. 
So  I  toqk  the  pictures  away  an'  give  them  to 
the  rich  old  tourist  woman,  who  had  money  on 
the  brain,  to  look  at.  She  asked  how  much 
they  cost,  an'  said  there  was  no  fools  like  old 
fools — payin'  sich  a  price. 

"  Hiram  grumbled  a  good  deal  at  eighteen 
dollars  a  dozen.  But  talk  about  men  not  carin' 
how  they  look  in  pictures — Hiram  was  nearly 
tickled  to  death  when  he  see  his'n.  '  Not  a 
mole,  or  squint,  an'  jest  enough  bald,'  he  said, 
'  to  make  me  look  intellectual.'  An'  I'll  admit 


AT   STUDIO    STECKELL  67 

mine  looked  good  to  me,  too,  even  if  it  did 
flatter  me  a  bit.  When  Hiram  was  fixen  'em 
up  to  send  back  to  that  Lincoln  editor  he 
gazed  at  'em  proudly  fur  a  spell  an'  says :  'I'll 
bet  a  cookey,  Pheba,  there  won't  be  a  hand 
somer  couple  in  that  Lancaster  County  Atlas. 
Especially  amongst  the  men.' ' 


UNCLE  HIRAM,  RIGHT  FROM  THE  PBAIRIE 
STATE,  Is  STUMPED  BY  A  TWO-ACRE 
"FARM" — HAS  A  MEAN  TRICK  PLAYED 
ON  HIM,  BUT  GETS  EVEN;  COMES  OUT 
STRONG  AS  A  TENNIS  PLAYER. 


AT  HERMAN'S. 


44  ¥  GUESS  we  won't  get  interrupted  in 
*  our  talk  about  California  today,  Man- 
dy,"  observed  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison  as  she 
settled  herself  comfortably  for  a  chat.  '  Your 
Uncle  Hiram  has  gone  to  Lincoln,  to  pay  the 
taxes,  an'  that  means  he  won't  be  home  till 
night. 

"  After  we  got  through  seein'  some  of  the 
sights  in  Pasadena,  we  went  out  to  see  the  San 
Gabriel  Mission.  Hiram  was  so  worked  up 
an'  glad,  when  we  first  struck  the  corn  belt  in 
Nebraska,  an'  see  the  green  fields  of  corn 
a-wavin'  (just  as  though  anything  that  wan't 
nailed  down  wouldn't  wave  in  this  windy  coun 
try)  he  broke  out  in  poetry  an'  wrote  a  poem 
on  Nebraska.  He's  proud  of  it ;  I  will  read 
it  to  you  after  while. 

'  Well,  as  I  started  out  to  say,  if  anything 
would  ever  work  my  feelin's  up  to  the  poem- 
writin'  pitch,  'twould  be  them  green  hills  an' 
orange  groves  between  Pasadena  an'  the  Mis- 


72  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

sion.  Hiram  grumbled  a  good  deal  about 
takin'  that  trip,  sayin':  'It  was  jest  a  fad 
folks  was  a-gettin'  down  in  California,  nosin' 
round  amongst  old  mud  buildin's,  when  they 
could  see  the  very  latest  things  in  houses,  all 
around,  from  a  rose-covered  bungalow  to  a 
millionaire's  mansion.  But  I  had  my  way  for 
once,  an'  we  went,  an'  I  enjoyed  every  min 
ute  of  it,  too.  Near  the  Mission,  we  saw  a 
great  big  grape  vine,  fixed  up  on  a  trellis.  It 
covered  about  an  acre,  anyway,  that  was  what 
an  Englishman,  who  wore  a  cap  an'  had  a 
kodak  strapped  to  his  shoulder,  told  us.  But 
Hiram  told  him  to  shut  up  his  head — he  had 
been  in  California  too  long  to  believe  every 
fool  yarn  he  heard.  Then  the  Englishman 
quit  lookin'  at  the  grape  vine  an'  looked  at 
Hiram,  examinin'  him  through  a  round  glass, 
like  as  if  he  was  as  much  of  a  curiosity  as  them 
dog-eatin'  Igorrotes  we  saw  at  the  Chutes. 
Guess  he  was  jest  weak  in  one  eye;  anyway, 
his  specks  only  had  one  glass  in  them. 

;<  When  we  got  to  the  Mission,  there  was  a 
passel  of  tourists  women,  waitin'  to  go  through. 


AT  HERMANS  7* 

Hiram  was  the  only  man  in  the  bunch,  so  he 
gave  the  guide,  or  whatever  they  call  him,  a 
quarter.  The  women  offered  him  a  nickel, 
but  he  said  real  short  like  that  a  dime  was  the 
smallest  sum  accepted.  He  was  so  disgusted 
with  the  crowd  for  bein'  so  stingy  that  he 
took  us  through  the  buildin'  nearly  on  the 

run,  an'  we  was,  out  at  the  other  end,  before 
/ 
we  was  hardly  in.     I  wanted  to  look  longer  at 

them  old  an'  valuable  paintin's,  but  Hiram 
lowed  he  wouldn't  hang  'em  in  a  barn  if  he 
could  afford  new  ones;  he  never  did  appreci 
ate  antique  things;  says  he  can't  see  why  a 
woman  will  fuss  with  a  man  about  wearin'  his 
old  clothes  an'  then  want  faded  old  pictures 
an'  sich. 

"  Speakin'  of  old  clothes,  makes  me  think 
about  our  visit  to  his  nephew,  Herman  Harri 
son.  I  was  just  finishin'  packin'  our  trunk  to 
go  to  California,  when  in  comes  your  Uncle 
with  his  arm  full  of  old  clothes,  an  old  outing 
flannel  shirt  with  a  turn-over  collar,  an  old  pair 
of  duck  pants,  faded  white,  a  linen  duster  an* 
an  old  straw  hat  as  big  as  a  washtub.  I  tried 


74  TOUBIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

to  coax  him  out  of  it,  but  you  might  as  well 
talk  to  a  mule  when  he  gets  old  clothes  on  the 
brain,  an'  he  said:  '  I'm  takin'  them  things 
to  wear  out  on  Herman's  farm;  like  as  not  he 
will  be  shuckin'  corn,  or  thrashin'  or  drivin' 
hogs  to  market  while  we  are  there,  an'  it  will 
save  my  new  twenty-five  dollar  suit.  Mebby 
I'll  get  to  go  huntin',  too;  I  see  by  his  letter 
he  lives  out  in  the  woods,  between  Los  Angeles 
an'  Pasadena  in  the  Oak  Knoll  country.  Must 
be  timbered  or  they  wouldn't  a  named  it  that/ 

"  Herman  met  us  at  the  station,  him  an'  his 
wife,  an'  a  handsomer,  kinder  couple  I  never 
saw.  They  used  to  be  real  poor.  Hiram  gave 
him  money  to  learn  to  be  a  lawyer,  an'  they 
are  real  well  fixed  now.  When  the  automo 
bile  stopped  in  front  of  a  beautiful  place  all 
flowers,  orange  trees,  an'  fountains,  Hiram 
says:  '  Yer  machine  give  out?'  an'  Herman 
says :  '  No,  we  are  home.' 

'  Home !'  gasped  Hiram ;  '  ain't  you  goin' 
to  the  farm?' 

"  '  This  is  the  farm  I  was  writin'  to  you 
about,  Uncle,'  said  Herman ;  '  we  used  to  live 


AT  HERMAN'S  75 

in  Los  Angeles,  but  it  got  to  be  so  crowded, 
we  bought  this  little  farm  of  two  acres.' 

"'Two  acres!'  repeated  Hiram,  'well  if 
this  ain't  the  blambdest  country  for  big  things, 
an'  little  things.  Where's  the  woods?' 

"  Well,  it  would  take  all  day  to  tell  how 
Hiram  growled  about  that  farm;  I  was 
ashamed  of  him,  but  Herman  only  laughed. 
That  night,  after  the  lights  were  all  out,  we  sat 
at  our  bedroom  winder  an'  looked  out  on  the 
moonlit  world.  '  It  is  beautiful,'  says  I,  as  I 
looked  at  the  shadders  playin'  over  the  grassy 
lawn ;  at  the  trailin'  branches  of  a  pepper  tree 
guardin'  a  sparklin'  fountain;  at  two  motion 
less  palm  trees  guardin'  the  driveway. 

'  Yes,  it's  purty,'  says  Hiram ;  '  too  purty. 
All  it  lacks  is  the  tombstones,  to  turn  it  into  a 
graveyard.' 

"  He  was  sore  yet  about  not  gettin'  to  shuck 
corn  an'  sich,  in  them  old  clothes,  but  I  was 
glad.  The  next  mornin'  was  Sunday  an' 
accordin'  to  the  custom  of  forty  years,  Hiram 
got  up  at  six  o'clock  an'  shaved  hisself .  There 
was  runnin'  water  an'  everything  handy  in  our 


76  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

bedroom,  but  your  Uncle  is  so  set  in  his  ways, 
he  would  go  down  to  the  kitchen  an'  hang  his 
shavin'  glass  by  an  east  winder,  like  he  does  at 
home.  So  he  rolled  up  his  sleeves,  an'  rolled 
back  his  collar,  an'  let  his  galluses  hang  down 
his  back,  an'  went  down  the  back  stairs  in  his 
stockin'  feet  to  keep  from  wakin'  the  rest. 

"  He  had  jest  got  his  face  all  lathered  up 
an'  his  head  throwed  back  an'  was  wavin'  his 
razor  around  to  dry  it,  when  a  white  aproned 
Chinaman  popped  in.  He  gave  Hiram  one 
look,  an'  with  a  screech  of  terror  he  started 
on  the  dead  run  through  the  dinin'  room,  over- 
turnin'  the  chairs,  an'  up  the  stairs  three  steps 
at  a  jump  yellin':  '  Glazy  man!  clazy  man 
in  kitchen;  clut  John's  thloat  with  lazor!' 

"  Herman  sprang  out  of  bed  to  the  rescue, 
an'  when  I  got  to  the  kitchen,  he  was  leanin' 
up  against  the  wall  laughin'  fit  to  kill  hisself . 

"  It  seemed  the  Chinaman  cook  didn't  know 
there  was  visitors,  bein'  as  how  we  got  there 
late  the  night  before.  He  never  got  over  his 
scare,  but  would  jump  a  foot  if  Hiram  would 
speak  to  him  suddenly,  all  the  time  we  was 
there. 


AT  HERMAN'S  77 

"  After  we  finished  our  visit  at  Herman's, 
we  went  to  a  nice  big  hotel  on  the  outskirts  of 
Los  Angeles.  They  had  tennis  grounds  there 
an'  your  Uncle  learned  to  play  tennis.  You 
needn't  laugh,  for  he  learned  to  play  with  the 
best  of  them  in  no  time,  bein'  quick  an'  nimble 
for  a  man  of  his  years.  The  only  thing  that 
bothered  him  was  the  way  the  other  players 
dressed  in  white  flannels  an'  sich. 

'  I  went  out  to  watch  them  one  mornin; 
an'  bless  you!  if  there  wan't  your  Uncle, 
prancin'  around  in  them  clothes  he  brought  to 
wear  on  Herman's  farm.  He  had  bought  him 
some  bright  red  sox  an'  had  borrowed  my  big 
felt  slippers  I  wear  in  my  room  to  rest  my  feet 
of  an  evenin'.  Besides,  he  had  on  that  big 
straw  hat  an'  my  white  embroidered  belt,  that 
belonged  to  my  shirt  waist. 

"  A  boy  played  a  mean  trick  on  him,  too,  at 
that  hotel,  an'  guess  he  wished  afterwards  he 
hadn't.  The  boy  was  his  mother's  pet  an'  a 
meaner,  more  disagreeable  child  I  never  saw. 
When  Hiram  was  real  tired  after  playin*  ten- 
Ms,  he  would  go  to  sleep  in  a  big  chair  on  the 


78  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

porch.  Well,  you  know  how  your  Uncle 
snores ;  so,  when  he  got  good  an'  sound  asleep, 
that  boy  put  one  of  them  easy  blowin'  whistles 
in  Hiram's  mouth. 

;<  It  was  funny,  I'll  admit  that,  to  see  him 
layin'  there  asleep,  an'  blowin'  that  whistle  to 
beat  the  band.  Folks  laughed  so  hard  it  woke 
him  up,  an'  he  come  near  swallowin'  the  whistle 
an'  chokin'  to  death.  He  knowed  who  done 
it,  an'  when  he  got  through  coughin'  he  lit  into 
'  mamma's  pet,'  who  was  enjoyin'  hisself  furst 
rate,  an'  paddled  him  till  he  saw  stars. 
Mamma  threatened  to  sue  an'  says :  '  Do  you 
know,  sir,  the  fine  for  this  offense  is  twenty- 
five  dollars?' 

'  All  right,  madam,'  says  Hiram,  '  I'm 
open  to  all  the  engagements  for  sich  exercise 
you  want  to  contract  fur  at  that  price.  I  be 
lieve  in  folks  spendin'  money  for  what  they 
enjoy  best.' 

"  I  wouldn't  dare  to  tell  him  so,  but  all  the 
same  I  laugh  yet  to  myself  when  I  happen  to 
think  how  he  looked,  so  sober  an'  sound  asleep, 
settin'  there  a-whistlin'  like  a  schoolboy. 


AT  HERMAN'S  79 

'Well,  it's  gettin'  late;  I'll  read  you  your 
Uncle's  poem,  an'  then  I  must  get  supper; 
it's  headed— 

"  A  RETURNED  TOURIST." 

;'  I've  been  tourin'   'round  a  spell,   an'  tho't 

I'd  like  to  tell 
'Bout  the  folks  who  think  they  own  the  sun 

an'  moon. 
When  they  bragged  from  morn  till  late  of  the 

beauties  of  their  State, 
I  kept  thinkin'  of  the  Prairie  State  in  June. 

'  They  would  tell  of  sunshine  bright,  an'  of 

mountain  tops  so  white, 
An'  of  orange  groves  an'  mockin'  birds  in 

tune. 
All  the  while  I  seemed  to  hear  the  meadow 

lark  so  clear 
Go  singin'  through  the  Prairie  State  in  June. 

"  At  a  swell  hotel  one  day,  I  just  up  an'  had 

my  say, 
To  the  chap  who  et  his  orange  with  a  spoon ; 


80  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

An'  he  owned  I'd  won  the  race  when  I  asked 

him  face  to  face, 
If  he'd  ever  seen  the  Prairie  State  in  June. 

'  When  my  days  on  earth  are  past  an'  I  go  to 

rest  at  last, 
Be  the  summons  late  or  be  the  summons 

soon, 
I  will  rest  contented  there  in  that  land  so 

bright  an'  fair, 

If  it's  something  like  the  Prairie  State  in 
June." 


AUNT  PHEBA  HAS  HER  OPINION  OF  SOCIETY 
FOLKS,  AND  Is  SLIGHTLY  CONFUSED  BY 
DISTINCTIONS  INVOLVED  IN  SOCIETY 
TERMS  OF  "WEEK-END-GUEST"  ORDER- 
PRESERVES  HER  "POWER  OF  SPEECH"  AND 
AVOIDS  EMBARRASSMENT. 


AT  LONG  BEACH. 


ttl  'M  RIGHT  glad  you  stayed  aU  night, 
Mandy,  for  it's  rainin'  this  mornin' 
till  you  can't  see  across  the  yard,"  said  Aunt 
Pheba;  "an'  if  I  ever  enjoy  visitin'  one  time 
better'n  another,  it's  on  a  day  like  this.  Speak- 
in'  of  visitin',  makes  me  think  of  a  woman 
named  Mrs.  Robson  who  was  visitin'  at  Her 
man  Harrison's,  out  Pasadena  way,  when  we 
did.  She  had  a  spectacle  eye  glass  stuck  on 
a  little  stick,  an'  she'd  look  at  me  an'  Hiram 
through  that  glass,  like  the  professor  the 
government  sent  out  to  examine  the  pests  that 
was  destroyin'  the  wheat  fields  in  Nebraska 
used  to  examine  the  bugs  under  a  magnifyin' 
glass.  They  called  her  a  house  guest,  but 
what  difference  there  is  between  a  house  guest 
an'  an  ordinary  visitor  I  can't  fur  the  life  of 
me  see. 

'  Then  some  more  dressy  folks  came  out 
from  one  of  the  big  hotels  in  Los  Angeles  to 
stay  over  Sunday.  They  called  'em  *  week- 


84 

end  visitors,'  but  as  the  most  of  'em  stayed 
from  one  Friday  to  the  next,  which  end  of  the 
week  they  was  talkin'  about  I  don't  know. 

'  I  must  say  the  most  of  'em  used  us  real 
well.  I  wore  my  black  silk  dress  for  every 
day,  an'  Herman's  wife  put  some  lace  an' 
things  on  me  an'  some  lavender  ribbon  in  my 
hair  every  night  before  we  et  supper.  She 
said  with  my  white  hair,  an'  clear  complexion, 
I  looked  sweet  in  lavender.  Of  course  that 
sounds  conceity,  but  I'm  just  tellin'  what  she 
said. 

"  Hiram  wore  his  best  things,  an'  let  the 
barber  trim  his  hair  an'  whiskers  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life.  The  *  week-end  '  folks  called 
him  '  quaint '  an'  a  good  '  character  study,' 
which  Hiram  'lowed  was  only  a  polite  way 
they  had  of  callin'  him  green. 

'  Well,  I  must  say  that  society  folks  ain't 
so  awful  stuck  up  after  all,  when  you  get  ac 
quainted  with  'em.  One  old  crabbit  bachelor 
went  round  scowlin'  at  every  one,  from  suf- 
ferin'  with  corns,  till  he  had  to  wear  carpet 
slippers.  Some  one  tramped  on  his  corns  one 


AT   LONG    BEACH  85 

night  an'  he  yelled  till  you  could  a-heard  him 
a  block ;  then  he  seemed  real  ashamed  an'  went 
off  in  a  corner  by  hisself .  I  went  over  an' 
coaxed  him  to  rub  them  corns,  three  nights 
hand  runnin',  with  dandelion  roots.  Well,  he 
did,  an'  in  a  week  he  was  sprintin'  round  in 
patent  leather  shoes,  an'  turned  out  to  be  a 
real  good-lookin'  man.  An'  the  funniest  part 
of  it  was,  that  the  good-lookin'  widow  who 
laughed  at  them  slippers,  got  to  goin'  with 
him,  when  he  quit  wearin'  'em,  an'  Herman's 
wife  writes  me  they  are  goin'  to  make  a  match 
of  it. 

'  Well,  as  I  said,  I  got  on  furst  rate  with 
all  of  'em  but  that  house  guest  woman,  a  Mrs. 
Robson.  She  never  offered  to  do  a  lick  of 
work  all  the  time  she  was  there,  not  even  to 
make  her  own  bed,  or  wipe  the  dishes.  Of 
course,  there  was  lots  of  servants,  but  I  don't 
think  it's  any  more'n  manners  to  offer.  Pre 
tended  like  as  if  she  never  see  the  inside  of  a 
kitchen,  an'  none  of  her  folks,  either ;  they  was 
big  folks  to  hear  her  tell  it.  Her  husband  was 
a  doctor  an'  she  was  one  of  them  silly  society 


8C  TOURIST    TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

creatures,  I've  read  about,  but  never  see  be 
fore  ;  one  of  the  kind  that  would  carry  a  Teddy 
Bear,  or  a  squallin'  pig  around  if  she  see  some 
body  she  thought  was  a  little  bigger  than  her 
self  doin'  of  it. 

"  One  evenin'  at  dinner  she  happened  to 
mention  the  street  an'  number  where  she  lived 
in  Los  Angeles.  Hiram  pricked  up  his  ears 
an'  says:  '  That  street  and  number  sounds 
natural  to  me  somehow.'  '  Oh,  yes,'  he  says, 
pullin'  a  card  out  of  his  pocket,  '  that's  the 
number  an'  street  an'  the  name  of  the  folks 
that  Hester,  our  hired  girl,  give  us  an'  told  us 
to  be  sure  an'  go  to  see.  So  you  are  "Cousin 
Emma"  out  Westlake  way  that  Hester's  been 
talkin'  so  much  about,  an'  tellin'  what  big 
times  you  used  to  have  runnin'  barefoot  on 
that  loway  farm,  be  you?  Hester  says  if 
you'd  find  her  a  good  place  to  cook,  she'd  come 
out  next  year.  We  hate  to  lose  her  tho',  she's 
the  best  cook  we  ever  had.  I'll  write  our  ad 
dress  on  this  card  an'  you  can  tell  her  you 
saw  us.' 

"  While  Hiram  was  talkin',  Mrs.  Robson 


AT   LONG   BEACH  87 

had  turned  most  all  the  colors  of  the  rainbow; 
an'  the  '  weeks  end '  party  after  castin'  a  few 
amused  glances  round  at  each  other,  tried  to 
turn  the  subject  by  all  commencin'  to  talk  at 
once  'bout  the  automobile  hill  climb  which 
was  comin'  off  at  Altadena  next  day.  Nothin' 
was  said  further,  fur  I  tromped  Hiram's  foot, 
an'  incidentally  his  corn,  under  the  table,  an' 
give  him  something  else  to  think  about;  but  I 
noticed  Hester's  'Cousin  Emma'  wan't  near 
so  'airy'  the  rest  of  the  evenin'  an'  next  mornin' 
she  left.  We  see  her  once  again  at  Long 
Beach  in  an  automobile,  but  she  never  let  on 
she  ever  see  us  before. 

'  Yes,  we  stayed  down  to  Long  Beach  till 
Hiram  got  hurt  in  the  swimmin'  tank  an'  then 
we  went  back  to  Los  Angeles  a  spell.  He 
wasn't  hurt  much.  A  woman,  who  weighed 
nearly  two  hundred  pounds,  got  into  the  tank 
for  a  swim  'long  with  us,  but  after  a  bit  noth 
ing  would  do  but  she  must  get  up  an'  slide 
down  that  slippery  slide  into  the  water.  The 
last  time  she  slid  down,  me  an'  your  Uncle  hap 
pened  to  be  right  in  her  way,  an'  he  bein'  near- 


88  TOURIST    TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

est  got  the  full  force  of  the  blow,  as  she  come 
shootin'  down  feet  foremost,  an'  knocked  the 
senses  out  of  him  in  a  jiffy. 

'  We  got  him  out  an'  took  him  to  the  hotel 
an'  he  was  as  smart  as  ever  next  day,  but  I 
could  never  get  him  to  put  on  another  bathin' 
suit  or  go  in  swimmin'  again.  He  said:  *  If 
the  wimmen  folks  are  bound  to  run  everything 
from  a  automobile  to  a  barber  shop  in  Cali 
fornia,  let  'em.  Fur  my  part,'  he  said,  'I'm 
gettin'  tired  of  bein'  crowded  out  of  everything 
an'  playin'  second  fiddle  in  gineral  to  a  passel 
of  wimmen.' 

'  Then  he  got  awful  nervous  about  centi 
pedes  an'  creepin'  things,  after  he  got  stung 
with  that  stingarie.  Of  course,  all  the  other 
bathers  laughed  at  him,  an'  one  day  two  young 
chaps,  who  boarded  where  we  did,  thought 
they'd  have  some  fun  with  him.  He  always 
lay  down  on  the  warm  sand  after  his  bath,  an' 
takin'  off  them  rubber  boots  I  was  tellin'  you 
about,  go  to  sleep.  When  he  got  real  sound 
asleep  one  day,  they  took  the  skeleton  of  a  fish, 
just  the  bones  you  know,  an'  wrappin'  some 


A  fat  woman  slid  down  one  of  them  slides  an '  nearly  knocked 
the  senses  out  of  your  Uncle  Hiram." 


AT   LONG    BEACH  91 

colored  cords  around  it,  an'  puttin'  horns  on  it, 
they  made  it  look  something  fearful.  They 
then  got  some  stickfast  glue  an'  stuck  it  onto 
your  Uncle's  leg  just  below  the  knee.  I  was 
about  asleep  myself  that  day,  an'  the  first  I 
knew  of  it  I  heard  him  hollerin:  '  Centipede! 
tarantular !  scorpion !'  an'  kickin'  out  one  of  his 
legs  tryin'  to  shake  the  thing  off  till  you'd 
a'  thought  he  was  practicin'  some  kind  of  a 
new-fangled  rag-time  cake  walk. 

"  One  of  the  chaps  that  had  a  hand  in  it, 
seein'  how  scairt  Hiram  was,  run  up  an'  pulled 
the  thing,  together  with  some  skin,  off  Hiram's 
leg  an'  throwed  it  into  the  ocean.  Then 
Hiram  hurried  to  the  hotel,  tellin'  everyone 
he  met  he'd  bin  bit  by  some  pizenous  critter, 
an'  spent  all  afternoon  bathin'  the  red  place 
on  his  leg  with  liniment,  an'  altho'  he  is  a  pro 
hibitionist  at  home,  he  drank  a  pint  of  whisky 
to  keep  the  pizen  from  spreadin'.  He  never 
could  see  the  joke,  an'  tells  folks  back  here  how 
near  he  come  bein'  et  up  with  a  centipede  out 
in  California.  After  awhile,  your  Uncle  got 
so  tired  of  store  cookin',  as  he  called  it,  that 


92  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

nothin'  would  do  but  we  must  go  to  housekeep- 
in'  awhile.  He  seemed  to  pine  for  lye  hominy 
an'  homemade  bread  an'  sich.  Said  he'd  like 
to  see  how  an  old  hen  that  hadn't  ben  in  cold 
storage,  with  her  hoofs  an'  head  on,  since  the 
Spanish  war,  would  taste,  with  dumplin's, 
once  more. 

"  After  lookin'  high  an'  low  fur  a  house- 
keepin'  place,  we  took  our  life  in  our  hands, 
an'  rid  up  a  little  mountain,  in  a  contraption 
called  the  Angel's  Flight.  Hiram  stood  in 
the  door  ready  to  jump  if  anything  give  way, 
but  we  lived  to  reach  the  top  an'  was  real 
pleased  with  the  looks  of  the  neighborhood  out 
that  way.  We  found  a  place  at  last  in  what 
they  call  an  apartment  house  but  there;  all 
fixed  up  like  a  big  hotel,  only  they  rent  you  a 
parlor  an'  a  kitchen  'long  with  the  bedroom. 

"  Kind  of  a  queer-lookin'  woman  showed 
us  the  rooms  an'  I  guess  she  was  a  little  off, 
because  she  kept  callin'  the  rooms  sweets. 
They  was  nice,  clean  furnished  rooms,  but  I 
couldn't  see  anything  very  sweet  about  them. 
We  took  the  rooms  fur  a  month  anyway,  an' 


AT   LONG   BEACH  93 

went  to  housekeepin'  right  away.  Hiram 
went  to  see  about  the  trunks  an'  I  went  to  see 
about  the  groceries  an'  things.  My!  it  seemed 
nice  to  be  buyin'  lettuce,  an'  spring  chicken 
an'  ripe  cherries,  that  time  in  the  year.  The 
provisions  an'  me  got  there  just  the  same  time 
an'  I  showed  the  boy  where  to  take  'em. 

'  I  peeped  into  the  front  room  an'  see 
Hiram  had  beat  me  home ;  he  was  layin'  on  the 
lounge  with  a  paper  over  his  face  fast  asleep. 
It  just  fags  him  all  out  to  look  fur  rooms. 
Says  he'd  ruther  take  a  hand  at  thrashin'  any 
day  than  tramp  around  lookin'  fur  rooms ;  said 
he  guessed  women  enjoyed  it  as  it  give  'em  a 
chance  to  snoop  around  an'  see  how  other 
women  had  things  fixed.  '  Lookin'  fur  rooms,' 
says  he,  '  is  mighty  small  business  fur  a  able- 
bodied  man.' 

'  We  didn't  expect  to  cook  till  next  mornin', 
but  seein'  them  groceries  an'  pots  an'  pans,  jest 
made  my  hands  itch  to  get  up  a  good  meal. 
Seein'  your  Uncle  so  sound  asleep,  I  con 
cluded  to  surprise  him  by  having  supper  ready 
when  he  woke  up.  He  never  used  to  say 


94  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

much  about  my  cookin',  till  we  got  to  boardin' 
out,  but  after  a  few  months  even  the  tony 
places  like  the  Coronado  at  San  Diego  seemed 
to  get  tiresome. 

"  I  remember  him  sayin'  one  day  when  we 
was  eatin'  there:  *  I  don't  think  Mrs.  Coro 
nado  can  cook  one  mite  better  than  you  can, 
Pheba.'  I  heard  the  girl,  who  wore  a  fluffy 
blue  dress,  an'  was  eatin'  near  by,  snicker  into 
her  handkerchief,  an'  I  says:  *  I  don't  sup 
pose  Mrs.  Coronado  any  more  than  goes  ahead 
with  things;'  but  Hiram  'lowed  if  'twas  left 
to  wasteful  hired  girls  things  would  go  to 
rack  an'  ruin  in  no  time.  '  A  man  would  soon 
break  up  in  a  place  like  this,'  says  he,  'less  his 
wife  took  holt  in  the  kitchen.' 

"  But  to  get  back  to  my  own  supper;  I  had 
fried  chicken  an'  cream  gravy,  an'  lettuce  fixed 
farmer's  style,  with  ham  fryins  an'  vinegar, 
mashed  potato,  an'  cherry  pie.  Hiram  says 
he'd  as  soon  eat  machine  oil  as  olive  oil  on  his 
victuals.  When  everything  was  ready,  I  went 
to  call  Hiram.  He  was  still  asleep  an'  I  went 


AT   LONG   BEACH  95 

up  kind  of  gay  like  an'  jerked  the  paper  off 
his  face. 

"  Mandy,  you  could  a-knocked  me  down 
with  a  feather.  There,  instead  of  Hiram,  laid 
a  man  with  a  big  white  moustache,  an'  a  goa 
tee  as  long  as  a  billy  goat's — 'twas  the  stiff est 
moustache  an'  the  pintedest  goatee  I  ever  saw ; 
the  rest  of  his  face  was  red.  We  stared  at 
each  other  a  spell,  an'  then  he  said  kind  of 
drawley  like :  '  Madam,  may  I  inquire  why 
you  are  honorin'  my  apartments  with  your 
presence?' 

"I  never  lose  the  power  of  speech  fur  any 
great  length  of  time,  so  I  answered:  '  I 
shouldn't  wonder  if  you  have  blundered  into 
the  wrong  apartments  yourself,  an'  you  had 
better  get  out  of  here  before  Hiram  Harrison 
comes,  or  there  might  be  trouble.' 

"  Just  then  I  heard  Hiram's  voice  out  in  the 
hall  askin'  if  anyone  had  seen  me;  I  opened 
the  door  an'  an  astonisheder  man  I  never  saw; 
but  the  old  billy  goat  was  right;  I  had  made  a 
mistake  in  the  room;  not  only  the  room,  but 
I  had  rid  up  in  the  elevator  one  floor  too  high 


96  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

an'  our  rooms  were  right  under  us.  The  joke 
was  on  me  that  time  sure.  Seems  that  Col. 
Norton  wanted  a  sunny  room  an'  to  get  it  took 
the  whole  three.  Bein'  a  bachelor  he  didn't 
have  any  use  for  the  kitchen,  of  course. 

'  Well,  I  put  Hiram  to  work  helpin'  me 
gather  up  our  things,  but  he  was  hungry  an' 
when  he  see  that  supper  spread  out  there,  he 
refused  to  budge  till  he  et  it,  Colonel  or  no 
Colonel. 

'  While  we  was  arguin',  the  Colonel  come 
walkin'  toward  the  kitchen,  as  straight  as  if  he 
was  marchin'  to  marshal  music.  He  stood  in 
the  kitchen  door  an'  sniffin'  the  air  said :  '  By 
George,  I  small  Johnny  cake,  an*  wilted  let 
tuce,  Southern  style;  Maryland  biscuit,  an' 
fried  chicken  an'  gravy,  as  sure  as  I'm  alive. 
Don't  tell  me  I'm  dreamin'  of  the  Sunny 
South,  but  invite  me  to  a  chance  at  that  din- 
nah?' 

'  By  this  time,  we  was  all  in  a  good  humor 
an'  I  must  say  the  Colonel,  who,  by  the  way, 
Hiram  fit  in  the  rebellion,  was  real  good  com 
pany,  even  if  he  did  bow  an'  compliment  me 


AT   LONG    BEACH  97 

on  my  cookin'  every  few  minutes.  Found 
out  afterwards  he  was  a  Southerner  was  the 
reason  he  talked  so  funny  an'  didn't  use  any 
r's  in  his  words.  'Twan't  the  last  meal  he  et 
with  us  an'  I  thought,  as  I  see  the  two  men  en- 
joyin'  themselves,  that  good  cookin'  took  with 
the  men  folks  all  over  the  world." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  WRITES  FOR  THE  LINCOLN 
PAPER  AND  TOUCHES  UP  FORMER  NEIGH 
BORS,  CITY  GOVERNMENT,  WATER  SUP 
PLY,  ETC. — ORNAMENTS  FOR  OFFICE. 


LETTERS  HOME. 


U  DEFORE  we  started  to  California, 
*— *  Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison, 
"  Hiram  promised  the  editor  of  the  '  Farmer's 
Guide  '  at  Lincoln  to  write  a  letter  back  to  the 
paper  tellin'  about  things  out  there.  The  edi 
tor  said  fur  Hiram  to  head  the  letter, '  Califor 
nia  frum  a  Nebraska  Farmer's  Standpoint,' 
an'  jest  give  him  the  main  facts  an'  figgers 
about  sich  subjects  as  Former  Neighbors,  City 
Government,  Water  Supply,  Agriculture  an' 
Stock-Raisin'  and  sich  topics.  '  Then,'  says  he 
to  Hiram,  '  I  will  fix  it  up  in  shape  to  be  pub 
lished,'  meanin'  I  suppose,  he  would  fix  up  the 
grammer,  an'  spell  the  words  right  Hiram  had 
missed. 

"  So  one  day,  when  we  couldn't  go  sight- 
seein'  fur  the  rain,  Hiram  got  out  his  writin' 
materials  an'  said :  '  Now,  Pheba,  while  you 
haint  got  the  gift  of  writin',  nor  the  flowin' 
style  of  language  that  looks  good  in  print, 
compared  to  me,  I  must  admit  that  you  will 


102  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

come  in  handy  pintin'  out  an'  helpin'  me,  on 
facts  an'  figgers,  regardin'  this  country.'  He 
commenced  the  letter  by  writin'  with  a  bold 
flourishin'  hand  at  the  top  of  the  page,  '  Cali 
fornia  from  a  Farmer's  Standpint,  by  Hiram 
Harrison.' 

'  That  name  will  look  well  in  print,'  says 
he  surveyin'  it  with  satisfaction.  *  Good  name, 
too,  Pheba;  did  you  ever  sense  that?  Pres 
idents  an'  mayors  an'  road  supervisors  have 
bore  that  name,  '  thout  disgracin'  it.  Honest, 
Pheba,  did  you  ever  know  any  doers  of  notor 
ious  deeds  named  Harrison? '  he  asked. 

"  I've  known  lots  of  Harrisons  that  would 
never  set  the  river  afire,  but  as  the 
letter  was  a  weightin'  heavily  on  my  mind,  I 
answered  absently:  '  No;'  an'  he  said:  '  Now 
fur  that  first  topic.  What  former  neighbor 
will  I  tackle  first? '  *  Why,'  says  I,  *  anyone 
you  happen  to  think  of.'  '  How  would  Dave 
Higginson  do? '  says  he. 

"  Now,  Dave  Higginson  comes  about  the 
nearest  bein'  nuthin'  in  the  shape  of  a  man  I 
ever  knowed,  but  not  wantin'  to  put  a  damper 


LETTERS    HOME  103 

on  his  flow  of  idees  I  said :  '  Jest  dot  down 
any  inter estin'  fact  you  know  about  Dave ;'  an' 
he  wrote:  '  Former  neighbors  of  Dave  Hig- 
ginson  may  be  glad  to  hear  he  is  stuck  here 
fur  good;'  then  stopped.  He  bit  the  end  of 
his  penholder  an'  wriggled  around  in  his  chair 
an'  run  his  fingers  through  his  hair,  but  he 
couldn't  squeeze  out  another  fact  about  our 
'former  neighbor.'  '  Pheba,'  says  he,  'hain't 
you  got  any  facts  to  fit  the  subject  at  hand? 
I  thought  wimmen  always  found  out  things 
about  their  neighbors,  bein's  they  talk  so  much.' 

'  My  tho'ts  don't  seem  to  be  flowin'  any 
freer  than  yourn,'  says  I;  but  after  thinkin'  a 
bit,  I  asked :  '  What  was  you  an'  Dave  talkin' 
about  t'other  day? ' 

'  Good,'  says  Hiram,  brightenin'  up,  an' 
he  wrote :  '  Dave  Higginson  seems  to  be 
gettin'  along  furstrate  fur  him;  said  he 
borrered  five  hundred  dollars  out  of  the  bank 
last  week  which  was  somethin'  he  never  could 
a-done  at  home.' 

'  Ain't  there  any  other  former  neighbors  ?' 
says  I.  '  Dave  Higginson's  affairs  don't  seem 


104  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

to  make  extra  good  readin',  specially  when  its 
comin'  out  in  cold  type.  Mebby  they'd  like  to 
hear  about  that  Nebraska  picnic  we  went  to 
t'other  day?'  an'  grabbin'  his  pen  like  an  in 
spired  poet,  he  wrote :  '  Attended  a  Nebraska 
picnic  at  Eastlake  Park  an'  saw  a  lot  of  folks 
who  never  hear  tell  of  me  before.  They  had 
little  books  tied  to  trees,  each  tree  playin'  like 
it  was  a  county.  A  feller  would  rush  up  to 
his  county  tree,  an'  read  the  names  an'  write 
his  own ;  then  turn  round  an'  shake  hands  with 
whoever  happened  to  be  standin'  there  an' 
mebby  say:  'What  part  of  Nebraska  are 
you  frum?  "  An'  mebby  the  other  man  would 
answer:  "  I'm  frum  Broken  Bow,  in  Custer 
county,"  an'  the  other  man  would  think  a  bit 
an'  say :  "  Ever  know  a  man  named  Smith  out 
there? "  An'  the  Broken  Bow  in  Custer 
county  man  would  answer:  '  Lets  see,  small 
ish  man,  with  chin  whiskers."  '  Yes,  sir;  same 
Smith,"  says  the  other  man,  beamin'  at  the 
remarkable  coincerdence,  an'  they  both  feel 
real  at  home  with  each  other  over  the  mutual 
acquaintance.  Then  the  two  men  lafF  an'  talk 


LETTERS    HOME  105 

quite  a  spell  over  Smith's  peculiarities,  till  fin 
ally  the  Broken  Bow  man  says :  '  Too  bad 
Smith  had  to  lose  his  third  wife,"  an'  the  other 
man,  lookin'  real  astonished  says:  '  Smith 
married?  Well,  its  ben  three  or  four  years 
since  I  see  him.  Any  children?  "  '  Twelve," 
answered  the  Broken  Bow  man  an'  they  both 
gaze  at  each  other  in  wonder.  Well,  anyhow 
they  find  out  at  last  that  they  have  both  been 
talkin'  all  this  time  bout  a  different  Smith,  so 
they  kind  of  sheepishly  turn  the  subject  to 
tornadoes,  bumper  crops,  an'  lunch  baskets.' 

'  There,'  says  he,  layin'  down  his  pen  an' 
moppin'  his  forehead  with  a  handkerchief;  '  I 
call  that  a  pretty  good  starter.  Now  fur  the 
next  topic,  Agriculture;'  an'  he  wrote: 
'  Everything  in  the  way  of  f armin'  is  done  in 
this  country  either  on  the  biggest  or  littest 
scale  you  ever  see.  Some  farms  no  bigger 
than  city  lots,  an'  then  agin  some  of  their 
ranches  are  measured  by  square  miles  instid  of 
acres.  Everything  they  raise  is  either  big  er 
little;  oranges  half  as  big  as  your  head,  er 
the  size  of  a  thimble.  I  saw  a  grape  vine  that 


106  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

kivered  an  acre  an'  the  bunches  of  grapes  are 
something  fierce.  Saw  one  two  foot  long  an' 
one  foot  across.' 

'  How's  that? '  says  Hiram,  lookin'  pleased 
with  hisself.  '  Purtty  good,'  says  I,  '  only  I 
think  you  overdrawed  that  bunch  of  grapes  a 
little,  cause  when  I  looked  clost  I  could  see 
where  they  had  tied  a  dozen  bunches  together 
with  twine  string  jest  to  fool  folks,  for  a  joke.' 
'  Shucks,'  says  Hiram,  scowlin'  at  the  writin,' 
'  if  you  are  goin'  to  pick  over  an'  investigate 
every  fact  I  set  down,  you  are  goin'  to  take  all 
the  snap  outen  this  letter,  an'  the  editor  will 
twist  it  up  and  throw  it  in  the  waste  bag.' 
'  Waste  basket,  you  mean',  says  I ;  an'  pre- 
tendin'  not  to  hear  me,  he  says :  '  Where  was 
I  when  you  interfered  with  my  grape  story? 
Oh,  yes,  I  was  agoin  to  write  what  that  f  ellar 
told  us  about  his  wilier  cane  takin'  root,  but  I 
reckon  it's  no -use  to  write  anything,  accordin' 
to  you  I  can't  make  affidavit  to.' 

'  Garden  patches  are  so  scare  in  Los  An 
geles  they  are  havin'  roof  gardens  made  on  the 
top  of  some  of  the  highest  buildin's,'  he  wrote. 


LETTERS    HOME  107 

'  Hope  you  ain't  goin'  to  contradict  that  when 
I  have  Herman's  word  fur  it? '  '  We  went 
out  to  the  Baldwin  ranch,  an'  see  some  fine 
stock,'  he  wrote.  '  Stock  all  look  well  in  these 
parts,  except  hogs, — in  fact  I  haint  see  a 
handsome  three  hundred  pound,  corn-fed 
porker  since  I  left  home.  I've  been  inquirin' 
about  the  city-government  in  Los  Angeles,  an' 
they  tell  me  'twould  take  an  expert  to  figer  out 
the  inside  workin's  of  that  body  politic.  They 
say  they  start  out  with  two  tickets  an'  parties, 
then  each  party  divides  itself  up,  an'  when  they 
commence  fightin'  each  other,  the  fun  is  on.  I 
guess  things  are  run  'bout  like  they  are  in  other 
big  places;  they  say,  though,  they  voted  one 
man  into  office  once,  an'  on  second  tho't,  voted 
him  out  agin.  If  sich  a  custom  was  to  become 
gineral,  wouldn't  it  scare  some  of  them  Lincoln 
fellers  stiff? ' 

'  Over  in  Pasadena  things  are  different; 
there  are  so  many  men  there  who  would  be 
ornaments  to  any  office  you  couldn't  throw  a 
stone  'thout  hittin'  one.  A  Pasadena  man  told 
me  he  thought  'twould  be  a  good  idee  to  let  the 


108  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

voters  draw  cuts,  or  numbers,  fur  the  office,  an' 
save  the  expense  of  an  election.  Sich  talk 
speaks  well  fur  any  town.' 

*  Now  fur  the  water  works  topic,'  says 
Hiram,  an'  he  wrote :  '  They  use  the  Los  An 
geles  river  water  to  drink  here,  an'  frum  the 
looks  of  said  river  I  should  say  she  was  about 
drunk  dry.' 

'  What  about  that  Owens  river  business  we 
see  so  much  about  in  the  papers,'  says  I.  On 
comparin'  notes  we  both  found  out  we  were 
awful  ignorant  on  the  Owens  River  question, 
so  Hiram  laid  aside  his  pen  an'  went  out  into 
the  office  to  inquire  into  the  subject  a  little. 
The  first  man  he  asked  was  in  a  hurry  to 
ketch  a  street  car,  but  he  said  they  are  bringin' 
that  river  down  frum  the  mountains,  miles  an' 
miles,  to  supply  the  city  with  water,  because 
before  long  there  was  goin'  to  be  a  million 
people  drinkin'  Los  Angeles  water.  The  man 
flew  out  after  his  car,  an'  Hiram  astonished 
at  the  big  figgers  said  to  a  jolly-lookin'  fellar, 
who  was  a  listener  to  the  conversation: 
'  What  did  he  mean  about  a  million  folks 


LETTERS    HOME  109 

drinkin'  Los  Angeles  water;  are  they  goin'  to 
bottle  it  to  ship  away? ' 

'  Oh,  no,'  answered  the  man,  '  he  means 
there  will  be  that  many  people  livin'  here  when 
they  carry  out  the  great  water  project 
that's  afoot.'  '  What  project? '  asked  Hiram. 
'  Why,'  said  the  jolly  man,  '  I  guess  you  ain't 
heard  about  them  bringin'  that  Owens  River 
down  here  an'  turnin'  it  into  the  Los  Angeles 
river, — sure;  they  will  dam  up  the  Los  An 
geles  river  a  few  miles  below  here  an  'then 
put  gondolas  an'  sail  boats  on  it  to  rent  out  to 
the  tourists.  'Twill  be  the  greatest  pleasure 
resort  in  the  world.  Then  they  are  goin'  to 
terrace  the  hillsides  on  each  side  of  the  river 
an'  fix  it  up  with  flowers  an'  grass  an'  trees, 
an'  sell  it  to  the  millionares  fur  winter  homes.' 
'  What  further  they  was  agoin'  to  do, 
Hiram  didn't  hear,  fur  jest  then  a  homely- 
sour-faced  woman,  his  wife  I  guess,  come 
along  an'  ordered  him  to  his  room.  By  this 
time  the  sun  was  a  shinin'  an'  we  concluded  to 
go  sightseein,'  and  let  the  Farmer's  Guide  let 
ter  go  over  till  another  rainy  day." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  CONTINUES  CORRESPONDENT 
TO  FARMERS'  GUIDE  AND  RECORDS  HIS 
TORY,  ANCIENT  AND  MODERN,  PASADENA 
CLAIMS  MOST  OF  His  ATTENTION  AS  A 
MATTER  OF  COURSE — WHAT  WOMBN 
READ. 


MORE  LETTERS. 


(4  OUCH  a  time  as  we  had,  Mandy,"  said 
^  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  a  finishin'  up 
that  letter  to  the  Farmers'  Guide.  Seemed 
like  what  I  told  your  Uncle  Hiram  to  write 
sounded  queer  an'  what  he  wrote  hisself 
sounded  queerer.  '  What  other  topics  was  I 
to  write  on? '  said  your  Uncle,  after  he  got  all 
settled  ready  for  writin' ;  an'  I  said :  '  I  can't 
remember  exactly,  but  it  seems  to  me  the  edi 
tor  said  something  about  history,  libraries, 
transportation  an'  climate.' 

'  History  'tis  then,'  said  Hiram,  hitchin'  up 
his  chair  closter  to  the  table,  an'  readin'  it  to 
me  as  he- wrote:  '  Los  Angeles  was  laid  out 
by  some  Spanish  real  estate  agents  in  1781. 
She  was  six  miles  square,  the  Plaza  in  the 
center,  an'  the  Mission  church  on  the  west  side, 
where  it  still  stands,  if  some  of  them  enter- 
prisen'  real  estate  men  haint  tore  it  down,  an' 
run  up  one  of  them  sky  scrapers,  in  place  of 
it,  in  the  last  two  weeks.  This  town  grows 


114  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

so  fast  that  what  you  write  about  her  one 
month,  haint  true  the  next. 

'  In  the  Plaza  the  Spanish  used  to  have 
some  high  old  times,  if  the  stories  one  hears 
about  'em  are  true;  fiestas,  an'  chicken  fights, 
an'  eatin'  tamales,  seemed  to  be  the  fads  of 
the  day.' 

'  There,'  says  Hiram,  squintin'  one  eye  ad- 
mirin'ly  at  what  he  had  jest  written,  '  I  call 
that  pretty  fair  fur  free-hand,  extemporanious 
writin'.  Shouldn't  wonder  if  I  had  missed 
it  by  not  takin'  up  Historical  Novel  writin'  in- 
stid  of  poetry;  she  goes  as  easy  as  fallin'  off 
a  log. 

'  Now  fur  Pasadena,'  an'  he  wrote :  '  Pasa 
dena  jines  Los  Angeles  on  the  north,  an'  the 
country  you  go  skimmin'  through  on  the  elec 
tric  car  to  reach  it,  with  its  green  hills  an'  neat 
lookin'  sign  boards,  is  to  my  mind  the  prettiest 
ride  anywhere  around.  The  country  around 
it,  an'  the  town  itself  is  as  purty  as  fairyland, 
an'  its  history  reads  like  a  fairy-tale.  Thirty 
months  ago  Pasadena  was  a  dreary  lookin' 
sheep  ranch  where '- 


MORE   LETTERS  115 

" '  Stop! '  says  I  to  Hiram,  '  Ain't  you 
makin'  a  mistake  in  your  dates  there  of  about 
thirty  years? '  '  Where? '  says  he,  lookin'  real 
cross  at  bein'  interrupted.  '  When  a  person  is 
writin'  great  historical  facts,  a  little  thing  like 
a  wrong  date  don't  count.  I  see  tho'  your 
bound  to  pin  me  down  to  facts,  an'  make  this 
letter  read  as  flat  as  a  last  year's  almanak,  er 
one  of  them  Congreshonel  Records,  besides 
spilin'  the  looks  of  it  scratchin'  out  so  much.' 

'  Now,'  said  he,  after  he  had  corrected  it, 
'  what  else  will  I  say  about  Pasadena's  ancient 
history?  You've  got  me  off  the  track  entire 
ly.'  '  Nothin'  more,'  says  I,  '  its  present  his 
tory  is  good  enough  fur  me.  Tell  about  the 
time  we  visited  the  Library,'  an'  he  wrote: 
'  Made  a  visit  to  the  Library  in  Pasadena,  an' 
felt  at  home,  especially  when  I  see  a  copy  of 
The  Commoner  a-layin'  on  the  readin'  table. 
The  buildin'  is  nice  an'  light  an'  the  daily 
papers  hain't  a  week  old.  There's  a  printed 
notice  tellin'  the  reader  not  to  keep  the  paper 
more  than  twenty  minutes;  but,  my!  you  find 
selfish  folks  the  world  over;  the  man  who 


116  TOURIST    TALKS   OF    CALIFORNIA 

smokes  into  a  sick  woman's  face,  an'  the  wo 
man  who  puts  her  bundles  in  the  street  car 
seat,  to  keep  a  tired  workin'  man  from  settin' 
down  are  first  cousins  to  the  individual  who 
hangs  onto  the  mornin'  paper  an  hour  or  two, 
in  the  public  libraries.  Then  everybody  con 
nected  with  the  place  was  nice,  an'  pleasant, 
an'  answered  questions  like  'twas  a  pleasure. 
They  told  me  the  best  read  book  in  the  library 
was  the  Doctor  Book  an'  the  '- 

'  I  hate  to  interrupt  you  agin,  Hiram,' 
says  I,  '  but  while  not  actually  prevericatin', 
you  are  givin'  a  wrong  impression  'bout  that 
book.  I  looked  inside  of  it  an'  there  wan't  a 
thing  in  it  about  docterin',  jest  an  ordinary 
novel.'  At  this  Hiram  laid  his  head  down 
on  the  table  an'  I  felt  real  sorry  fur  him  as 
he  said:  '  This  manuscript's  agoin'  to  be 
rubbed  out  an'  criss-crossed  till  it  will  look  wuss 
than  one  of  them  Horace  Greeley  letters  I  see 
at  the  Exposition  in  Omaha.'  To  comfort 
him  I  said:  '  You  jest  go  an'  have  it  type 
writ,  an'  if  there's  any  mistakes,  the  editor  will 
think  'twas  the  typewriter's  fault.  That's  the 
way  all  the  big  writers  do.' 


MOEE   LETTERS  117 

"  At  this,  he  brightened  up  considerable,  an' 
says :  '  Do  you  think  'twould  ever  get  out 
about  me  in  Lancaster  County,  an'  be  brought 
up  agin  me  when  I  run  fur  County  Commis 
sioner  next  fall?  Them  farmers  will  stand 
most  anything  but  puttin'  on  style  amongst 
each  other.  Gettin'  his  clothes  made  at  the 
tailors,  an'  his  beard  trimmed  pinted  beat  Dan 
Han  ford  fur  County  Clerk,  an'  that  new  auto 
mobile  beat  Doc  Steinwell  fur  Coroner,  good 
an'  plenty.  But  I  guess  I'll  risk  it,'  an'  lookin' 
mighty  relieved  he  wrote  on:  *  Folks  are 
either  gettin'  tired  of  dogs,  or  Jack  London, 
I  don't  know  which,  they  say  his  book  called 
'  White  Fangs  "  is  scarcely  read.  Amongst 
the  wimmen  the  most  popular  book  seems  to 
be,  "  The  Port  of  Missin'  Men."  The  title  is 
ruther  misleadin'  an'  I  guess  some  of  the  wim 
men  who  had  their  men  come  up  missin'  tho't 
mebby  they'd  hear  some  news  from  them,  from 
the  way  the  title  read.  Mark  Twain's  mental 
science  is  Pasadena's  favorite.  I  heard  a  wo 
man  ask  fur  a  book  called,  "  The  Raise  an' 
Fall  of  the  Mustach."  Don't  know  what  in 


118  TOURIST   TAJLES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

creation  it  could  be  about,  but  it  raised  my 
curiosity  an'  I'm  goin'  to  read  that  book  if  I 
have  to  buy  it.' 

'  As  fur  the  climate  out  here,  it's  all  right 
an'  they  are  so  touchy  about  it  you  wouldn't 
das't  say  so  if  it  wasn't.  They  tell  me  some 
men  once  took  a  bath  in  the  ocean  an'  picked 
oranges  in  Pasadena,  an'  snow-balled  each 
other  on  Mt.  Lowe,  all  in  one  day;  so  I  guess 
so  fur  as  climate  is  concerned  in  Southern  Cali- 
forny  you  jest  pay  your  money  an'  take  your 
choice.  I  hear  that  some  of  the  folks  back 
there  didn't  take  much  stock  in  the  earthquake 
stories  the  tourists  told  when  they  got  back 
home.  Well,  we  were  in  Frisco  two  weeks 
after  it  happened  an'  f rum  the  looks  of  things 
I  should  say  she  quaked  all  right.  In  the  little 
town  where  we  was  stayin'  they  had  several 
little  rumbles  that  shook  things  up  abit.  I 
wa'n't  so  awfully  scared—  '  What  you  snick- 
erin'  about,  Pheba?'  said  your  Uncle  suddenly, 
quittin'  writin'  an'  lookin'  around.  '  Oh, 
nothin','  says  I,  an'  he  went  on  writin'  where 
he  left  off  ' — '  but  I  wanted  to  know  what  the 


MORE   LETTERS  119 

man  in  the  next  room  to  ours  thought  about 
it,  so  I  rushed  in,  an'  he  set  up  in  bed  most 
astonished  to  hear  'twas  an  earthquake. 
'  What  in  creation  did  you  think  'twas?"  said 
I,  an'  grinnin'  all  over  he  answered :  "  I'm 
frum  Missoury,  an'  I  thought  the  fever  an' 
ager  chills  had  me  agin  sure,  an'  I'm  tickled 
most  to  death  to  find  out  it's  jest  an  earth 
quake;"  an'  chucklin'  to  hisself  he  took  a  drink 
of  somethin'  out  of  a  bottle  an'  throwed  a 
handful  of  quinine  powders  into  the  fireplace 
an'  rollin'  over  in  bed  went  to  sleep. 

'  The  meanest  man  I  see  since  I  left  home 
went  through  the  earthquake  'thout  a  scratch. 
He  was  one  of  them  know-it-all,  bossy  kind  of 
men,  an'  when  the  earthquake  commenced  to 
shake  things  around  pretty  lively  he  run  into 
what  he  considered  the  safest  corner  of  the 
room  an'  ordered  his  wife  to  foiled  him;  but 
she  with  the  usual  prevarsity  of  the  female  kind, 
refused  to  obey  an'  stayed  in  the  opposite  cor 
ner.  After  the  trembler  past  she  was  wedged 
into  that  corner  by  furniture  an'  things  as 
tight  as  if  she  was  in  the  county  jail.  Her 


120  TOURIST   TAUES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

husband  let  her  stay  in  there  a  half  day  before 
some  of  the  neighbors  heard  her  hollerin'  an' 
let  her  out.  He  said  if  she  was  so  stuck  on 
that  particular  corner,  she  could  stay  an'  en 
joy  it  fur  all  him.  I  call  sich  actions  real 
mean.' 

'  Now  let's  settle  that  transportation  busi 
ness,'  says  Hiram,  an'  he  wrote :  '  There  are 
several  styles  of  transportation  out  here, 
amongst  them  automobiles,  street  cars,  tally- 
hoes  an'  leg  power.  The  last  named  used  to 
be  considered  the  safest,  but  since  the  auto 
mobiles  have  come  into  general  use  I  have  my 
doubts.  One  man  frum  the  East  who  hadn't 
walked  spry  fur  years,  on  account  of  rheu- 
matiz,  got  run  down  so  often  by  the  aforesaid 
vehicles  that  he  got  entirely  well  an'  developed 
into  a  first  class  sprinter,  on  account  of  the 
exercise  he  got  jumpin',  side  steppin',  an' 
turnin'  hand  springs,  to  get  out  of  their  way. 
Limbered  him  up  in  no  time.  The  automo 
biles  are  bad  enough,  but  them  tallyhoes  are 
the  limit.  I  got  wedged  into  one  of  the  high 
seats  between  two  fat  wimmen,  one  of  them 


MORE   LETTERS  121 

bein'  my  wife  who '-  -'  I  wouldn't  drag  my 
personal  affairs  into  a  printed  letter,'  says 
I,  so  he  rubbed  out  '  one  of  them  bein'  my 
wife,'  an'  wrote  on:  *  That  driver  acted  like 
he  wanted  to  scare  us  out  of  our  senses,  by  the 
way  he  turned  corners  an'  run  the  horses  down 
steep  hills.  He  acted  frum  the  f urst  like  he 
was  bound  to  upset  us  an'  at  last  he  did.  No 
body  was  hurt  fur  he  spilled  us  out  on  a  pile 
of  sand,  but  'twas  a  close  shave.  The  man 
who  wrote  that  "  large  bodies  move  slowly," 
would  a  modified  his  statement  considerable  if 
he'd  a  seen  them  fat  wimmen  doin'  that  un- 
loadin'  act.  My  wife' — 'I  think  the  letter  is 
long  enough,'  says  I,  so  he  rubbed  out  '  my 
wife,'  an'  signed  his  name,  *  Hiram  Harrison, 
Esq.'  " 


UNCLE  HIRAM  HAS  His  FORTUNE  TOLD  AT 
VENICE  AND  LEARNS  How  NEAR  HE 
CAME  TO  BEING  LITERARY — ALSO  GETS 
SEASICK  ON  THE  SHIP  HOTEL. 


AT  VENICE. 


WENT  down  to  Venice/'  said 
Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  an'  et  our 
dinner  on  a  ship  hotel.  We  had  a  nice  time 
down  there.  A  person  could  spend  a  week 
there  an'  not  see  all  the  sights  then.  We  was 
right  hungry  by  dinner  time  an'  your  Uncle 
Hiram  et  real  hearty.  While  he  set  there  fin- 
ishin'  up  his  strawberry  shortcake  an'  pie  an' 
gazin'  at  the  waves,  he  turned  as  pale  as  putty, 
all  at  once,  an'  says:  *  Pheba,  this  ship  is 
rockin'  awful.  Shouldn't  wonder  if  there's  a 
tidal  wave  comin'  or  one  of  them  deep-sea 
earthquakes  we've  hear  tell  of.  I  hate  to  pay 
fur  this  pie  an'  puddin'  an'  not  eat  it,  but  I 
can't  stand  this  much  longer  or  I'll  die.  They 
orter  be  arrested  for  enticin'  folks  on  here  pre- 
tendin'  it's  safe  an'  then  go  to  rockin'  us  to 
make  us  too  sick  to  eat  what  we  paid  for. 
Hain't  got  any  of  them  tablets  along  the  doc 
tor  that  was  on  that  Catalina  boat  give  us  fur 


126  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

sea  sickness,  have  you?'  says  he,  lookin'  real 
distressed. 

'  Yes,  I  have,  but  they  are  out  in  my  little 
handsachel  we  checked  with  our  things  in  the 
office.' 

'  Well,'  says  he,  *  give  me  the  check  an' 
I'll  go  an'  take  some  of  them.' 

'  Shall  I  go  with  you?'  said  I,  an'  he  an 
swered:  'No,  I'll  go  alone;  no  use  of  you 
leavin'  part  of  your  victuals  we  paid  for  be 
cause  I  have  to.  Mebby  you  can  manage  them 
desserts  I'm  leavin',  too.' 

'  Your  Uncle  was  seasick  sure,  this  time ;  he 
reeled  so  I  wanted  to  go  with  him,  but  he  was 
so  'fraid  we  wouldn't  get  the  worth  of  our 
money  that  he'd  ruther  a  crawled  on  his  hands 
an'  knees  than  have  me  leave  it.  Hiram  ain't  a 
stingy  man,  as  stingy  men  go,  but  he's  awful 
afraid  somebody's  goin'  to  cheat  him  out  of  a 
nickel. 

'  When  I  went  out  of  the  dinin'  room  some 
fifteen  minutes  later,  I  found  him  f eelin'  fust- 
rate.  'He  said  he  never  had  medicine  to  act 
so  quick.  '  I  took  three  of  them  tablets/  says 


AT   VENICE  127 

he,  '  when  I  furst  come  out,  an'  I've  jest  taken 
three  more,  which  I  reckon  will  be  all  I  need.' 
He  handed  me  the  satchel  back  an'  told  me  to 
put  the  tablets  away  an'  not  have  'em  layin' 
around  so  careless,  for  exceptin'  Peruna  they 
was  the  quickest  actin'  medicine  he  ever  took. 

'  Talk  about  mental  science  an'  the  power 
of  mind  over  matter !  I  looked  into  my  satchel 
an'  there  was  them  doctor's  tablets  in  a  side 
pocket  undisturbed.  Hiram  Harrison  had 
taken  six  of  them  violet  tablets  I  was  a-carryin' 
'round  to  scent  my  handkerchief  with.  When 
I  see  what  he  had  done,  I  was  scairt  an'  lost 
no  time  goin'  to  the  drug  store  an'  askin'  about 
them.  The  druggist  said  they  was  harmless, 
as  fur  as  he  knowed.  I  didn't  tell  Hiram,  fur 
I  knowed  'twould  scare  him  stiff  if  he  knowed 
it,  no  matter  what  the  druggist  said,  an'  as 
he  felt  better  than  he  had  for  years  I  let  mat 
ters  rest.  So  much  for  imagination. 

"When  Hiram  found  out  that  the  ship  ho 
tel  was  a  standin'  still  an'  he  had  done  most  of 
the  rockin'  hisself,  he  was  disappointed,  but  I 
got  his  mind  off  of  it  by  tellin'  him  we  must 


128  TOUKIST    TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

be  movin'  if  we  see  any  of  the  sights.  We 
saw  a  funny  fixin'  down  there  fur  weighin' 
folks  in.  A  man  that  runs  it  takes  holt  of 
your  arm  an'  guesses  on  your  weight  an'  the 
nearer  he  comes  to  it  the  more  money  he  makes. 
He  took  holt  of  my  arm  an'  was  about  to  make 
a  guess  when  Hiram  had  to  chime  in  an'  say: 
1  Before  this  transaction  proceeds  any  furder 
I  want  to  warn  you  I  won't  be  responsible  fur 
any  of  the  gearin'  of  that  chair  givin'  way 
when  you  are  a  weighin'  of  that  woman'  (that 
woman  meaning  me. ) 

'  If  there's  one  subject  I  don't  like  to  hear 
discussed  too  freely  it's  my  weight,  so  I  re 
fused  to  be  weighed  at  all.  Then  he  took  a 
holt  of  Hiram's  arm  an'  after  lookin'  up  an* 
down  his  anatomy,  he  said :  '  A  hundred  an' 
thirty;'  but  Hiram  didn't  hear  the  hundred  an' 
thought  the  man  was  makin'  fun  of  him  be 
fore  all  them  folks  by  guessin'  him  at  thirty. 
'  Thirty  nothin','  said  Hiram,  mad  as  he  could 
be,  '  I'll  make  you  look  like  thirty  cents  if  you 
get  too  funny.' 

'  The  weighin'  man  was  real  nice  about  it, 


AT   VENICE  129 

an'  after  Hiram  found  out  his  mistake  he  got 
on  the  chair  an'  was  nearly  tickled  to  death 
to  think  he  tipped  the  beam  at  one  hundred  an' 
thirty-two.  Then  we  went  into  a  tent  where 
a  Gipsey  lookin'  woman  was  a  tellin'  fortunes. 
I  concluded  I'd  ruther  have  my  dollar  for 
something  else,  so  Hiram  had  her  read  his 
palm.  Her  big  black  eyes  seemed  to  see  clear 
thru  you  an'  as  she  half  closed  them  an'  took 
Hiram's  hand,  she  said: 

*  I  see  cornfields  an'  cattle  on  a  thousand 
hills.'  Then  she  took  a  magnifyin'  glass  an' 
lookin'  at  the  lines  in  his  hand  closer,  said: 
'  The  headline  is  strong  to  stubbornness ;  mem 
ory  good,  never  known  to  forget  a  meal  hour 
in  your  life.  Luck  line  is  so  well  developed 
it  almost  makes  up  for  the  lack  of  good  judg 
ment  an'  foresight.  This  luck  line  is  found  in 
the  hands  of  men  who  have  made  fortunes  in 
real  estate,  or  on  the  Board  of  Trade.  This 
line,'  says  she,  pointin'  to  another  one,  '  indi 
cates  literary  talent,  an'  if  you  was  not  en 
tirely  lackin'  in  education  an'  ideas  you  might 
have  been  a  writer.  The  ancestral  lines  are 


130  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

strong  an'  if  they  did  not  terminate  so  curi 
ously  I  would  say  your  relatives  were  people 
noted  for  somethin'  unusual;  perhaps  I  might 
tell  by  readin'  the  other  hand.' 

'  Accordin'  to  your  conscience  line,'  she 
went  on,  '  I  would  say  you  have  been  carry  in' 
a  guilty  secret  for  about  two  years.  By  read- 
in'  the  other  hand  (which  is  50  cents  extra,) 
I  may  be  able  to  tell  you  what  it  is  an'  give 
you  important  advice  concernin'  it.' 

"  At  this  Hiram  looked  real  scairt  an'  shut- 
tin'  his  left  fist  up  tight  we  left  the  tent. 
'  Wonderful,  wonderful !'  says  he.  '  What's 
so  wonderful?'  says  I,  thinkin'  a  dollar  was  a 
pretty  good  price  to  hear  what  a  person  al 
ready  knowed.  *  Why,'  says  he,  '  that  readin' 
of  my  pam.  Who  in  creation  but  a  clera- 
voynt  would  a  knowed  I  was  frum  the  coun 
try?  Why,  she  see  them  cornfields  an'  cattle 
like  lookin'  through  a  winder.'  I  had  my  own 
opinion  about  how  she  guessed  he  was  from 
the  country,  but  I  said  nothin'  an'  he  contin 
ued  :  '  Then  that  luck  line  was  all  right,  too ; 
didn't  I  get  back  twelve  dollars  fur  them  ten 


AT   VENICE  131 

I  put  up  on  a  wheat  margin  once?  Guess 
I'll  try  it  agin  as  it  seems  as  how  the  line  of 
fate  seems  to  be  pintin'  that  way.  Then  she 
said  I  could  write — reckon  you  are  at  last  get- 
tin'  on  to  a  fact  you  have  always  doubted, 
Pheba.' 

"  '  She  said  you  could  if  you  had  education 
an'  ideas,'  said  I.  '  Idees  nothin','  says  Hiram, 
'it  is  old-fashioned  to  put  idees  into  your 
writin'  nowadays  an'  as  fur  edecation,  I  guess 
I  can  do  as  well  as  that  Indiana  poet  an'  some 
of  them  other  fellows  they  are  makin'  a  fuss 
over,  any  day  in  the  week.  An'  didn't  she 
hit  the  nail  on  the  head  about  them  noted  rela 
tions  of  mine,'  says  he,  real  tickled.  '  I'm 
proud  when  it  comes  to  them.'  '  Well,'  says 
I,  '  I've  seen  most  of  them  an'  the  only  thing 
I  could  think  of  them  bein'  noted  for  is  com 
monness  of  the  commonest  sort.'  '  Common 
nothin','  says  he,  '  mebby  you  never  heard 
about  that  uncle  of  mine  who  was  a  Chicago 
lawyer  an'  got  into  a  scrape  connected  with  a 
get-rich-quick  scheme  an'  lit  out  fur  Calif orny 
in  the  early  sixties.  Couldn't  one  man  in  a 


132  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

thousand  got  out  of  the  county  between  two 
days  like  he  did.  Smart,  as  smart  as  cayenne 
pepper.  The  first  thing  he  did  after  he  got 
to  one  of  the  new  Western  States  was  to  get 
a  law  passed  makin'  the  get-rich-quick  scheme 
legal.  Then  he  sent  some  of  the  money  back 
to  another  lawyer  an'  he  got  the  law  fixed  up 
at  the  other  end  of  the  line ;  then  when  he  got 
elected  to  some  big  office  out  West  an'  come 
back  home  on  a  visit,  they  met  him  with  a  brass 
band,  instid  of  the  sheriff.  Then  another 
uncle  was  noted  for  bein'  the  biggest  eater  in 
Indiana.  Used  to  go  to  all  the  county  fairs 
for  miles  around  an'  engage  in  pancake  er 
egg  eatin'  matches.  Beat  his  rivals  so  often 
he  couldn't  pull  off  a  match  any  more  where 
he  was  known.  When  he  was  a  young  man 
an'  went  to  country  dances  they  used  to  order 
ten  pounds  more  of  crackers  an'  a  extra  dozen 
canned  coves  if  they  knowed  he  was  a-comin.' 
'  Some  folks  might  call  sich  a  man  noted 
an'  some  might  call  him  notorious,'  suggested 
I,  an'  he  said :  '  Notorious  nothin',  consider- 
in'  the  article  they  have  nowadays,  'twas  a 


AT  VENICE  133 

stomach  to  be  proud  of.  He  got  a  long  piece 
printed  in  the  paper  about  him  when  he  died 
peacefully,  after  eatin'  a  biled  dinner  at  the 
age  of  ninety-seven  years,  an'  then  some.  Then 
I  had  a  cousin  who  was  a  noted  belle  in  Posey 
County.  As  many  as  six  horses  could  be  seen 
of  a  Saturday  night  hitched  to  the  rail  fence 
in  front  of  her  father's  house,  not  to  mention 
the  beaux  that  came  a-f oot — wore  the  first 
Garabaldy  Shaker  bonnet  that  was  ever  seen 
in  old  Posey.  Then,  there  was  my  grand 
mother,  Polly  Harrison,  who  could  make  more 
personally  conducted  visits  to  the  neighbors, 
when  there  was  any  new  gossip  that  needed 
airin'  of  any  woman  of  her  age  in  Indiana. 
She  used  to  hear  about  things  that  was  a-hap- 
penin'  long  before  they  had  happened,  she 
had  sich  a  nose  for  news.  She'd  a  commanded 
a  big  salary  on  one  of  the  yaller  journals  they 
have  at  the  present  day.' 

'  But,  Hiram,'  says  I,  shuttin'  him  off  on 
them  relations,  '  what  is  it  that  has  been  on 
your  conscience  two  years?'  His  countenance 
fell  an'  lookin'  real  sheepish  he  answered :  '  If 


134  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

you  must  know,  I  voted  for  the  wrong  man  at 
the  last  Presidential  election.' 

"  An'  to  this  day  I  ain't  never  found  out 
how  he  voted." 


UNCLE  HIRAM'S  WONDERFUL  INVENTION 
WHICH  WILL  REVOLUTIONIZE  THE 
POULTRY  BUSINESS  AND  PUT  HIM  IN 

THE  MILLIONAIRE  CLASS,  WITH  A  MAN 
SION   ON   "ORANGE  GROVE   STREET"   IN 

PASADENA  —  AUNT    PHEBA    UNSYMPA 
THETIC,  JUST  LIKE  A  WOMAN. 


AT  THE  OSTRICH  FARM. 


UTF  YOU  ever  go  to  California,  Mandy," 
-1  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  be  sure 
an'  take  one  of  them  tallyho  rides  out  from 
Pasadena.  They  tell  me  the  scenery  is  fine 
any  time  of  the  year,  but  along  in  April  an' 
May,  I  reckon  there's  nothin'  to  compare  with 
it  this  side  of  Pardise. 

"  One  tourist  man  was  so  wrought  up  over 
it  that  he  quoted  poetry  from  start  to  finish. 
One  pome  he  quoted  ( Hiram  tho't  'twas  origi 
nal,  but  I  guess  it  wan't) ,  went  on  tellin'  about 
the  olives,  an'  citron,  bein'  the  finest  of  fruit, 
an'  somethin'  about  the  nightingales  never 
bein'  mute.  Then,  when  he  see  a  bungalow 
with  only  a  speck  of  roof,  an'  the  windows,  an' 
doors,  showin'  through  the  climin'  roses,  an' 
a  pretty  girl  in  a  white  dress  pickin'  them,  he 
broke  out  agin  an'  said: 

"  '  An  the  maidens  are  sweet  as  the  roses  they 

twine, 
An'  all  save  the  spirit  of  man  is  divine.' 


138  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

"  Seems  funny,  because  Hiram  was  never 
particular  before,  but  ever  since  he  wrote  a 
pome  hisself,  he's  been  awful  fault  findin' 
'bout  other  people's  poetry;  so  he  jumped  onto 
that  tourist  man's  poetry  an'  figertively 
speakin'  tore  it  all  to  pieces,  sayin:  '  Seems 
to  me  your  poetry  would  be  a  little  truer  to 
this  country  if  you  was  to  say  orange  an' 
lemon,  'stead  of  olives  an'  citron;  hain't  see 
no  citron  round  here,  except  in  a  bakery  cake.' 
I  heard  afterwards,  tho',  they  had  the  biggest 
citron  ranch  in  the  world  over  near  Monrovia, 
but  Hiram  didn't  know  it  then. 

'  An',  says  Hiram,  '  that  nightingale  bird 
orter  be  changed  to  suit  this  country,  to  mock- 
in'  bird;  an'  even  then  'twouldn't  be  strictly 
true,  fur  them  mockin'  birds  don't  sing  in 
their  sleep,  or  when  their  bills  are  full  of 
victuals.  Then  I  don't  like  that  jangle  you 
got  off  'bout  them  sweet  maidens,  an'  sayin' 
the  spirits  of  men  hain't  divine.'  Queer 
thing,'  says  he,  '  that  ever  since  poetry's  bin 
writ  they  have  bin  a  diggin'  at  the  men  an' 
puttin'  everything  that  looks  a  little  shady 
onto  them,  lettin'  the  wimmen  go  scot  free.' 


AT   THE   OSTRICH    FARM  139 

'  The  next  poetry  I  write,'  says  he,  *  I'm 
goin'  to  throw  all  my  bouquets  at  the  men,  an' 
let  the  wimmen  hear  some  plain  facts  about 
theirselves  once  in  -a  while.'  I  set  still  and 
didn't  take  sides  with  either  of  them,  havin' 
found  out  long  ago  that  pinten'  out  faults  in 
other  folkse's  poetry,  er  writin',  er  music,  er 
pictures,  was  like  pinten'  out  faults  in  other 
folkse's  children,  a  thankless  task. 

"After  the  tourist  man  had  recovered  from 
his  astonishment,  at  what  he  called  Hiram's 
'  remarkable  criticism,'  he  let  up  on  poetry  an' 
took  to  prose,  sayin'  as  he  gazed  in  admiration 
at  the  grand  panorama  of  mountain,  hills  an' 
valley  spread  out  before  him :  '  An'  to  think 
I  have  been  crossin'  the  ocean  in  search  of  the 
beautiful  in  nature  when  right  in  my  own 
native  land  there  exists  such  a  scene  as  this. 
Think  what  I  have  been  missin'  right  at  my 
own  door.' 

'  Sure,'  says  Hiram, '  I'd  advise  you  to  pat 
ronise  home  industry  every  time.  I  always 
ship  my  hogs  to  Omaha  instead  of  Chicago  if 
the  price  is  as  good.'  The  tourist  man  looked 


140  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

at  Hiram  curiously  out  of  the  corner  of  his 
eye,  but  the  smell  an'  sight  of  an  orange  grove 
we  was  passin'  was  a  leetle  too  much  fur  him 
an'  f urgittin'  hisself  he  waved  his  hand  toward 
the  trees  an'  said :  '  Great  golden  globes,  half 
hid  mid  shimmerin'  green,  an'  surely  this 
valley  must  rival  the  Gardens  of  Gul  in  her 
bloom.' 

'  The  rest  of  us  was  wrought  up  in  our 
feelin's,  too,  durin'  that  lovely  tallyho  ride, 
only  we  didn't  express  ourselves  so  violently. 
As  we  was  comin'  back  into  Pasadena  we  met  a 
lot  of  folks  out  on  Colorado  street,  mostly 
wimmen,  horseback  ridin'.  They  was  dressed 
considerable  like  men  wearin'  cowboy  hats  an' 
ridin'  their  horses  man  fashion.  Hiram  grab 
bed  my  arm  jest  as  soon  as  they  come  in  sight 
an'  says :  *  Look !  Pheba,  look !  here  comes  the 
first  California  Injuns  we've  seen  yet.  Gee, 
but  they  are  a  hard-lookin'  crowd.  Them  mis 
sionaries  that  built  missions  an'  labored  so 
hard  to  civilize  'em  must  feel  pretty  bad  to 
see  'em  a  carryin'  on  like  this.  Squaws  a 
ridin'  man  fashion  jest  like  they  did  in 
Nebraska  forty  year  ago.' 


AT   THE   OSTRICH    FARM  141 

"  Everyone  in  the  tallyho  was  a  laughin'  by 
this  time  an'  as  we  got  nearer  to  them,  Hiram 
see  his  mistake  an'  was  more  astonished  than 
ever;  the  man  who  had  been  doin'  the  pome 
quotin'  said :  '  Them  ain't  Indians ;  they  are  a 
party  of  rich  tourists  that  are  stayin'  at  one  of 
the  big  hotels  in  Pasadena.' 

'  Now,  I  call  them  clothes  an'  this  new 
style  of  ridin'  real  sensible,'  says  I,  lookin'  at 
'em  admirin'ly;  '  I  don't  know  when  wimmen 
have  taken  up  with  a  sensibler  fad.' 

'  Sensible  nothin','  says  Hiram,  as  he 
gazed  in  indignation  an'  wonder  at  the  riders, 
"'  they  look  like  a  lot  of  escaped  lunatics  or 
part  of  Buffalo  Bill's  wild  west  show.'  '  Sen 
sible  nothin','  he  repeated.  '  It's  scandalous, 
such  actions.  Pheba,  if  I  ever  hear  of  you 
talkin'  up  this  new  circus  ridin'  fad,  I'll  sue 
fur  a  divorce  afore  I'm  a  day  older.  Look 
cute,  wouldn't  you,  a  wearin'  one  of  them 
short,  two  skirt  affairs,  an'  a  cowboy  hat, 
perched  up  on  one  of  them  skittish  critters. 
Just  let  me  ketch  you  a  try  in'  it  an'  I'll  ride 
alongside  of  you  on  a  side-saddle,  a  wearin'  a 


142  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

ridin'  skirt  an'  a  sunbonnit.  Dressin'  like  the 
opposite  sex  hain't  a  game  only  one  kin  play 
at.  Then,  besides,  if  you  rode  that  way  some 
of  them  kodak  fiends,  might  get  a  snap  shot 
at  you  an'  send  it  to  the  curiosity  part  of  some 
magazine  an'  disgrace  me  all  over  Lancaster 
county.  Mebby  you'd  like  it,  tho',  bein's  how 
all  them  society  folks  are  havin'  their  pictures 
in  the  papers;  if  you  want  your  picture  in 
a  paper  you  can  invite  a  friend  or  two  to  drink 
a  cup  of  tea  with  you,  an'  then  write  it  up  an' 
send  your  picture  along  with  it  to  the  Sunday 
paper.  Better  send  the  one  where  I'm  with 
you,  bein's  it's  so  good.  I  see  men  have  theirs 
in,  too.' 

'  Why,  Hiram,'  says  I,  goin'  back  to  the 
horseback  riders, '  I  thought  you  would  be  real 
pleased  to  see  the  wimmen  ridin'  so ;  you  know 
you  always  grumbled  so  when  me,  or  any  other 
women,  rode  any  of  the  critters  at  home,  fur 
fear  we'd  make  'em  lopsided.  Now  this  new 
style  of  ridin'  would  do  away  with  that.' 

'  Lopsided  nothin','  said  your  Uncle,  '  you 
know  I'd  rather  see  every  critter  on  the  place 


AT   THE   OSTRICH    FARM  143 

lopsided  to  an  angle  of  forty-five  degrees, 
afore  I'd  see  you  makin'  sich  a  show  of  your 
self.' 

"'Well,  I'll  see,'  says  I.  It  ain't  good 
policy  to  let  go  your  whip  hand  too  soon.  It's 
jest  as  well  to  keep  a  man  guessin'  what  you 
are  agoin'  to  do,  an'  besides  I  see  in  a  minute 
the  little  episode  was  agoin'  to  make  one  of 
them  new  rubber  tired  buggies  I'd  been  a 
lookin'  at  in  Lincoln  come  easier,  so  I  jest  said 
I'd  see,  givin'  him  to  understand  it  want  a 
'closed  incident'  by  no  means. 

"When  we  got  back  frum  that  tallyho  ride, 
we  stopped  at  one  of  the  big  hotels  in  Pasa 
dena  for  our  dinners.  It's  a  trick  lots  of 
Eastern  tourists  have  out  there,  of  eatin'  a 
meal  at  each  of  the  big  tourist  hotels  in  Cali 
fornia.  Then  when  they  get  home,  they  can 
refer  to  it,  an'  tell  what  happened  at 
sich  an'  sich  a  hotel  fur  the  rest  of  their 
lives.  It's  wonderful  how  many  things  can 
happen  in  a  short  time.  One  tourist  woman 
talked  for  days  about  what  happened  at  one 
of  them  big  hotels,  an'  her  husband  told  us 


144  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

afterwards  they  never  et  but  one  meal  there. 
Well,  we  stayed  fur  lunch  an'  dinner  too,  be 
cause  Hiram  says  the  lunches  at  them  big 
places  wa'n't  fillin',  so  we  went  back  an'  had 
dinner,  too,  which  was  fine. 

"We  put  in  the  afternoon,  goin'  out  South 
Pasadena  way  to  the  ostrich  farm.  I  could 
talk  all  day  about  them  ostrichs,  they  was  sich 
funny  critters,  but  all  the  same  I  wish  we 
never  had  heard  tell  of  a  California  ostrich. 
Your  Uncle  got  some  of  the  queerest  notions 
in  his  head  frum  goin'  there.  He  stood  fur 
hours  a  lookin'  at  a  fool  ostrich  that  was  a 
settin'  on  the  bare  ground  a  tryin'  to  hatch 
out  some  eggs.  He  didn't  notice  a  thing  else 
an'  would  hardly  answer  me  wiien  I  spoke  to 
him.  After  a  few  hours  of  sich  action,  I  said : 
*  What  ails  you,  Hiram?  Surely  you  ain't 
thinkin'  of  buyin'  that  ridiculous  lookin'  foul 
to  take  home ;'  an'  I  almost  held  my  breath  till 
he  answered.  '  No,'  says  he,  '  but  I've  got  a 
idee  in  my  head.'  '  Well,'  says  I,  '  what  is 
it?  You  have  been  actin'  awful  strange  about 
something' ;  an'  he  said  real  solemn :  '  If  I  tell 


' '  He  stood  fur  hours  lookin '  at  a  fool  ostrich. ' ' 


10 


AT   THE   OSTRICH   FARM  147 

you,  you  musn't  breathe  a  word  of  it  to  any 
livin'  creature,  or  someone  might  steal  my  idee 
an'  ruin  all  my  plans.  You  see',  says  he, 
pintin'  to  the  ostrich,  '  that  bird  a  sittin'  on 
them  eggs ;  well  that's  no  hen  ostrich  by  a  long 
shot  an'  his  performin'  of  that  duty  has  put  a 
idee  into  my  head  that  may  land  me  into  the 
millionair  class.  If  a  rooster  ostrich  can  set  on 
eggs  an'  hatch  out  ostriches,  why  can't  rooster 
chickens  set  on  eggs  an'  hatch  out  chickens,  an' 
let  the  hen  go  on  about  her  business  a  supplyin' 
fresh  eggs  fur  the  market? ' 

'  You  kin  count  on  about  one  rooster  in 
a  million  a  settin'  on  eggs,  not  more  an'  mebby 
that's  countin'  on  one  too  many',  says  I,  and 
he  said :  '  That's  the  idee,  exactly ;  them  that 
can  set  an'  won't  set,  will  be  made  to  set,  an* 
there's  where  I'm  goin'  to  shine  as  the  sole 
inventor  of  the  Rooster  Brooder  Machine,  an' 
you  bet  no  more  rooster  hatchin'  power  goes  to 
waste  after  that  comes  on  the  market.' 

'  Well,'  says  I,  with  a  sigh  of  relief,  *  I'm 
glad,  that's  all,'  fur  I  had  my  fears  that  he 
was  agoin'  to  try  to  take  a  live  ostrich  home 


148  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

on  the  Pullman  cars  with  us.  '  Glad,  that's 
all  nothin',  says  Hiram,  *  tell  a  woman  a  great 
secret  that's  goin'  to  astonish  the  civilized 
world,  an'  she  says,  "  Is  that  all?"  The  only 
wonder  is',  he  continued  gazin'  in  at  the  ostrich, 
'that  some  one  has  not  grasped  the  idee  before, 
that  this  king  of  fowls  has  been  demonstratin' 
right  before  their  eyes.' 

;<  Time  went  on  an'  I  thought  he  had  mebby 
forgotten  all  about  it,  but  yesterday  as  I  set 
sewin'  by  the  west  winder  I  heard  a  commotion 
in  the  chicken  yard,  an'  after  while  out  comes 
your  Uncle  a  carryin'  the  big  buff  Cochin 
rooster  under  his  arm  an'  over  the  rooster's 
head,  a  la  ostrich,  was  one  of  them 
red  sox  Hiram  bought  out  in  California  to 
play  lawn  tennis  in.  He  made  straight  fur 
the  hen  coop,  under  a  tree,  where  I'd  set  old 
Speck  on  a  dozen  eggs  that  very  mornin'. 
With  scant  ceremony  he  yanked  her  off  the 
nest  an'  sent  her  flyin'  toward  my  sweet  pea 
bed,  where  she  lost  no  time  in  scratchin'  them 
up.  The  box  where  I  set  Speck  was  a  soap 
box,  an'  pretty  close  quarters  fur  her,  but  as 


AT   THE   OSTRICH   FARM  149 

she  refused  to  be  moved  I  let  her  stay.  Hiram 
thrust  the  General  as  we  always  called  that 
rooster,  into  the  box  onto  the  warm  eggs,  an' 
turned  to  get  a  stick  to  fasten  him  up ;  the  Gen 
eral  took  advantage  of  this  move  an'  with  one 
mighty  effort,  he  flopped  hisself  out  of  the 
nest  scatterin'  the  eggs  right  an'  left,  an'  was 
free.  He  lit  on  his  head  but  soon  righted  his 
self  an'  went  staggerin'  on  an'  the  other 
chickens,  seein'  the  terrible  hobgoblin  comin' 
their  way,  fled  for  their  lives.  At  the  corner 
of  the  barn  he  come  face  to  face  upon  Gyp, 
the  half -grown  fox  terrier.  With  a  yelp  of 
terror  Gyp  broke  for  the  barn,  where  he  soon 
reappeared  at  the  hay  mow  door,  in  the  second 
sfory,  where  he  barked  an'  tore  around  an'  got 
so  excited  that  he  fell  with  a  bunch  of  hay, 
right  into  the  jaws  of  the  terrible  thing  he  was 
tryin'  to  escape  from.  He  picked  hisself  up, 
an'  lost  no  time  a  reachin'  the  house,  where  he 
watched  further  proceedin's  along  side  of  me, 
by  standin'  on  his  hind  legs  an'  lookin'  out  of 
the  window.  Tabby,  lookin'  fur  mice  en 
countered  the  sock-headed  rooster  next  an'  with 


150          TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

every  hair  on  end  she  scooted  fur  safety  under 
the  barn  floor.  The  General  steppin'  high 
blundered  on  till  he  run  into  a  cross  old  goose, 
that  was  settin'  on  her  eggs  in  a  fence  corner. 
With  a  hiss  she  made  a  grab  for  him  an'  he, 
scared  nearly  stiff  at  the  sudden  attack, 
jumped  three  feet  straight  up  in  the  air  an' 
when  he  got  out  of  her  way  he  was  minus 
some  of  his  best  tail  feathers.  At  this  point, 
Hiram  appeared  with  the  soap  box  again,  an' 
I  could  see  it  had  three  holes  in  it,  an'  little 
legs  about  three  inches  long,  nailed  onto  each 
corner  at  the  bottom.  One  hole  in  the  box 
was  right  above  the  nest  an'  the  other  two  were 
on  each  side  of  the  nest.  It  was  no  great 
trick  to  ketch  the  blind-folded  General  an'  in 
another  minute  the  squallin'  an'  astonished 
rooster  was  a  settin'  on  them  eggs  with  one  leg 
through  each  of  them  lower  holes,  an'  his  head 
an'  neck  through  the  one  at  the  top ;  a  few  tail 
feathers  stuck  through  the  crack  in  the  box  at 
the  back,  an'  a  screen  door  shut  up  the  place 
where  Hiram  had  pushed  the  General  in. 
'  There !'  says  Hiram,  pullin'  off  the  sock 


AT  THE   OSTRICH   FARM  151 

the  rooster's  head,  *  Set  or  stand,  jest  as  you 
blamed  please, — the  eggs  will  be  warm  jest 
the  same;'  an'  he  went  into  the  garden  to  hoe 
the  beans,  a  whistlin'  '  Everybody  works  but 
Father.'  It  wont  long  before  old  Speck  come 
cluckin'  back;  things  didn't  seem  to  look  jest 
right  to  her  an'  she  run  around  the  box  tryin' 
to  find  her  nest.  Then  she  flew  upon  the  top 
of  the  box,  where  fur  the  first  time  she  spied 
the  old  General's  head  an'  neck  stickin'  u.p 
through  that  hole. 

"If  consternation,  astonishment,  an'  be 
wilderment  was  ever  wrote  on  a  hen's  conten- 
ance  it  was  on  ole  Speck's,  when  she  discovered 
the  General  a  settin'  on  her  nest.  With  a 
squall  that  was  almost  human  in  its  notes  of 
resentment,  an'  terror,  she  dragged  her  wings 
on  the  grass  an'  circled  around  an'  around 
the  bodyless  head  of  the  General.  I  nearly 
laughed  myself  sick  as  the  old  General's 
cockdoodledo  joined  in  with  hers,  an'  he  near 
ly  twisted  his  head  off  to  see  what  she  was 
adoin'.  By  this  time  all  the  rest  of  the 
^chickens,  not  to  mention  the  ducks  an'  geese, 


152  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

had  come  to  view  the  bodyless  wonder,  an'  add 
their  voices  to  the  awful  uproar. 

"  Gyp,  havin'  recovered  from  his  fright, 
joined  in  the  chorus  an'  barked  frantically 
from  behind  the  shelter  of  my  skirts  as  I  went 
out  an'  called  Hiram.  He  come  in  from  the 
garden  an'  seatin'  hisself  on  the  wheelbarrow 
viewed  his  work  with  pride.  '  It's  goin'  to  be 
a  howlin'  success,'  says  he,  referrin'  to  the 
box  that  enclosed  the  General.  '  I've  got  the 
details  all  worked  out  even  to  the  little  swingin' 
trough  to  feed  'em  in,  which  goes  on  in  front, 
an'  an  invention  that  will  revolutionize  the 
chicken  industry  will  soon  be  patented  an'  on 
the  market,  While  the  model  you  see  is  rude, 
the  principle  is  all  right  an'  the  rooster- 
hatchin'  power  that  has  been  goin'  to  waste, 
is  goin'  to  be  utilized  fur  the  good  of  human 
ity  in  general,  an'  Hiram  Harrison  in  parti 
cular.'  *  You're  not  in  earnest?'  says  I;  an'  he, 
mad  as  a  hornet  says :  *  Not  in  earnest,  when 
every  hour  of  the  day  ever  since  I  see  that 
ostrich  at  Pasadena  settin'  on  the  sand  I've 
had  this  in  mind.  There's  millions  in  it,  I  tell 


AT  THE   OSTRICH   FARM  153 

you.'  *  What  would  we  do  with  a  million? ' 
says  I.  'Do,'  says  he,  'what  should  we  do,  but 
like  the  rest  of  them  fellars  that  made  their 
money  some  sich  way,  go  to  California,  of 
course,  an'  get  us  a  home  alongside  of  the  other 
millionares  on  Orange  Grove  street  in  Pasa 
dena.  If  this  thing  works  out  all  right  I  ex 
pect  to  set  up  there  behind  my  own  vine  an' 
fig  tree  an'  hear  them  carriage  drivers  holler 
out  to  the  sight-seein'  tourists:  "That  is  the 
winter  home  of  the  great  inventor,  Hiram 
Harrison,  President  of  the  Rooster  Brooder 
Machine  Company."  See? '  By  this  time 
things  had  quieted  down  a  little  an'  a  storm 
was  a  comin'  up,  so  the  chickens  come  a  hurry- 
in'  into  their  roosts,  among  them  Speck.  She 
was  a  singin'  to  herself  an'  looked  as  happy  as 
if  she  understood  an'  approved  of  the  new 
machine  that  was  to  relieve  her  of  an  irksome 
duty. 

'  The  machine  is  a  success',  says  Hiram, 
'do  you  grasp  that  fact,  Pheba? '  C-I  grasp 
one  fact,'  says  I.  '  What  is  it? '  says  he,  real 
interested. 


154          TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

'  Why,'  says  I,  '  the  fact  that  the  best  way 
to  break  up  a  stubborn  settin'  hen  is  to  put  an 
old  rooster  on  her  nest,  an'  let  his  head  stick 
up  through  a  hole  in  the  top  of  the  box  an' 
scare  the  wits  out  of  her.'  " 


AUNT  PHEBA  EXPRESSES  HER  OPINION  OF 
SOUTHERN  CALIFORNIANS  REAL  FREELY 
—WOMEN  ARE  GOOD  LOOKING,  BUT  THE 
MEN  ARE  MERELY  POLITE — A  LITTLE 
SERMON,  PLEASANTLY  DISGUISED,  ON  THE 
FEMALE  WEAKNESS  OF  EXTRAVAGANCE. 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE. 


t  t  T\  O  YOU  want  to  know  how  the  Calif or- 
*-^  nia  folks  compare  in  looks  to  the  folks 
back  here?"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison. 
'  Well,  Mandy,  good-lookin'  wimmen  I  saw 
a-plenty,  but  the  men,  especially  good-lookin' 
young  men,  were  scarce,  very  scarce.  By 
young  men,  I  mean  men  between  the  ages  of 
twenty-five  an'  forty-five,  who  ain't  never 
been  married  or  divorced,  or  had  their  wives 
to  die  on  'em. 

"  But  one  good  word  I  will  say  for  the  Cali 
fornia  men,  they  were  the  politest  set  of  men 
I  ever  see.  In  the  stores,  street  cars,  or  res 
taurants,  'twas  jest  the  same.  It  used  to 
tickle  me  to  see  how  mad  your  Uncle  Hiram 
would  get  when  they  got  up  an'  give  me  a 
seat,  or  handed  me  my  jacket  or  umbrel  in  a 
restaurant,  or  opened  the  doors  for  me,  when 
he  was  slow  about  it. 

'  Polite  nothin','  he  would  say,  '  ten  to  one 
them    same    door-openin'    an'    handkerchief- 


158  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

pickin'-up  men  let  their  wimmen  get  up  first 
an'  build  the  kitchen  fire,  on  a  cold  mornin'. 
I  can't  see  the  sense,'  said  he,  '  of  a  man  break- 
in'  his  back  jumpin'  to  pick  up  things  fur  a 
woman,  an'  helpin'  her  along  the  street  likes 
if  she  was  a  basket  of  eggs  he  was  afraid  of 
breakin',  when  she's  strong  enough  to  look  out 
fur  herself  an'  could  jump  over  a  rail  fence  if 
anyone  hollered  "snakes!" 

'  It's  downright  wicked,'  he  complained, 
'  to  expect  a  man  to  come  up  smilin',  whenever 
a  woman  calls  time  on  him,  an'  help  her  into 
the  street  car  an'  give  up  his  seat,  when  his  wife 
has  worn  him  to  a  frazzle  doin'  a  dozen  depart 
ment  stores,  an'  treadin'  miles  of  pavements, 
an'  stoppin'  fur  hours,  gazin'  in  at  them  gee- 
gaws  on  dummy  wimmen  in  the  show  windows, 
that  he  didn't  even  sense.  If  a  woman  is 
stout  enough  to  tear  around,  from  one  store 
to  another  all  day  she  can  load  herself  up  onto 
the  street  car,  an'  pick  up  her  own  things  when 
she  drops  'em,  an'  open  her  own  doors  or  stay 
inside  jest  as  she  feels  like  it.  Doin'  all  them 
little  things  fur  a  woman,  who's  better  able 


APARTMENT-HOUSE   LIFE  159 

to  do  'em  fur  herself  ain't  consistent,  nor  it 
hain't  common  sense.' 

'  Mebby  it  ain't  common  sense/  says  I, 
'an'  mebby  it  ain't  consistent,  but  the  wimmen 
folks  like  it  jest  the  same.'  I  bought  Hiram 
some  neckties  an'  things  at  a  Pasadena  clothiri' 
store,  an'  about  a  month  afterwards  we  went 
by  that  store  again;  in  the  doorway  stood  the 
red-cheeked,  smilin'  clerk  dressed  like  one  of 
his  own  fashion  plates.  He  remembered  me 
in  a  minute,  an'  smiled  an'  bowed  low,  awful 
low.  Not  expectin'  to  see  anyone  we  knowed, 
Hiram  was  kind  of  startled,  an'  I  said :  '  What 
made  you  kind  of  jump,  when  that  clerk 
bowed  to  me?'  an'  he  said:  '  O,  nothin',  only 
at  first  I  thought  'twas  one  of  them  dressed-up 
dummies  a-fallin'  over,  an'  I  was  a-goin'  to 
ketch  it.' 

"But  seein'  others  polite  had  its  effect  on 
your  Uncle  Hiram  in  time,  an'  I  shall  never 
forget  the  first  time  I  ever  see  him  give  up  his 
seat  in  a  street  car  to  a  lady.  We  was  a-goin' 
out  to  Westlake  Park  an'  the  car  was  quite 
full.  Hiram  was  a-settin'  in  between  two 


160  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

wimmen  an'  in  front  of  him  a  teeterin',  an' 
swayin',  an'  holdin'  onto  a  strap,  was  the  fat 
test  woman  I  most  ever  see.  Hiram  pretended 
not  to  see  her  fur  awhile,  an'  then  gettin' 
ashamed  of  hisself,  he  got  up  an'  offered  her 
his  seat.  The  woman  looked  critically  at  the 
little  space  Hiram  had  been  occupyin'  an'  then 
with  a  smile,  in  which  disappointment  an'  grat 
itude  was  mingled,  she  shook  her  head  at  him 
a  declinin'  of  his  offer.  It  seemed  to  me 
everyone  in  the  car  looked  at  the  little  space 
Hiram  offered  her,  an'  smiled;  an'  Hiram, 
mad  as  a  wet  hen,  went  out  an'  stood  on  the 
platform  with  the  motorman. 

"  But  to  get  back  to  the  subject  we  started 
out  on.  I  guess  the  reason  good-lookin'  young 
men  seem  scarce  in  California  is  because  the 
wimmen  outnumber  'em  two  to  one.  It  ain't 
no  uncommon  sight  to  see  a  good-lookin'  ele 
gantly-dressed  woman  a-hangin'  onto  the  or- 
dinarest  sort  of  a  man,  an'  half  a  dozen  other 
wimmen,  goin'  it  alone,  lookin'  on  in  envy. 
Fur  instance,  in  that  apartment  house  where 
we  stayed,  there  was  about  a  dozen  marriage- 


APARTMENT-HOUSE   LIFE  161 

able  men,  an'  nearly  twice  that  number  of  girls, 
not  to  mention  an  army  of  both  kinds  of  wid 
ows.  Amongst  the  men  there  was  two  real 
old  bachelors,  an'  a  real  old  widower.  By 
real  old  I  mean  three  score  an'  ten;  anything 
younger  than  that  is  considered  in  his  prime 
out  there,  till  they  get  down  below  forty-five, 
an'  then  they  are  considered  in  the  '  boy  class.' 
To  be  fair  to  all,  there  was  two  good-lookin' 
chaps  in  the  lot  who  used  to  scoot  across  the 
ladies'  parlor  to  the  elevator  like's  if  there  was 
Indians  after  them.  Then  there  was  two  col 
lege  students,  an'  a  tourist  man,  an'  a  society 
dude. 

'  The  blonde  typewriter  girl  captured  the 
rich  old  widower  in  the  first  round,  so  he  was 
counted  out.  She  acted  real  proud  of  him  an' 
he  spruced  around  with  a  rose  in  his  coat,  an' 
a  smile  on  his  '  freshly-shaven  gills.'  Then 
there  was  a  real  nice-lookin'  man  an'  a  red 
headed  woman  who  et  together  in  the  cafe  an' 
so  on.  The  old  fellow  who  had  horses  on  the 
brain  said:  '  They  was  jest  scorin'  round 

doin'  time,  an'  waitin'  fur  the  year  to  be  up  so 
11 


162  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

as  they  could  marry  each  other.'  He  said: 
*  When  folks  get  a  divorce  out  here,  an'  figura 
tively  speakin'  are  out  of  the  harness,  the  law 
still  keeps  a  lariat  rope  on  'em  in  the  shape  of 
a  year's  wait  before  they  can  trot  in  double 
harness  again.' 

'  While  the  men  in  that  apartment  house 
wan't  in  the  same  class  as  the  wimmen  fur 
looks,  they  all  seemed  like  real  sensible,  nice 
folks  except  that  society  dude.  His  pa  was 
General  Somebody  an'  him  an'  his  wife  nearly 
bored  folks  to  death,  tellin'  'em  cute  things 
Algy  did  when  a  baby.  The  General,  when 
he  wasn't  dinin'  out,  stood  at  the  'phone  most 
of  the  time  makin'  social  engagements  for  his- 
self  an'  wife  an'  Algy.  I  used  to  get  dis 
gusted  the  way  them  pretty  girls  made  over 
that  dude  young  man.  If  he'd  been  good- 
lookin'  or  even  smart-lookin'  'twould  a'  been 
different,  but  he  wore  awful  funny-lookin' 
clothes,  an'  parted  his  hair  queer ;  he  had  a  low 
forehead,  while  the  rest  of  his  dished-in  face 
was  mostly  chin.  He  acted  so  important,  an' 
smoked  a  nasty-smellin'  pipe,  all  over  the  girls' 


APARTMENT-HOUSE   LIFE  163 

pretty  clothes,  an'  he  listened  like  as  if  he  was 
bored  when  one  after  another  of  them  tried 
their  luck  for  theater  tickets  with  him. 

"  I  got  quite  friendly  with  a  pretty  girl  who 
lived  with  her  pa  an'  ma  on  the  same  floor  we 
did.  She  had  a  fine-lookin'  beau  from  Seattle, 
but  girl-like  she  must  try  her  luck  with  Algy 
too.  She  came  into  my  room  one  day  sayin' 
she  was  mad  enough  to  fight.  Said  Algy  had 
proposed  to  her  an'  was  willin'  to  marry  her 
if  her  pa  would  give  him  twenty-five  thousand 
dollars.  He  said  he  could  marry  another  girl 
whose  pa  would  give  him  thirty-five  thousand, 
which  wan't  any  more  than  his  social  position 
was  worth,  but  as  he  happened  to  be  in  love 
with  her  (the  twenty-five  thousand  girl)  he 
thought  he  would  give  her  the  first  chance. 

'  The  pretty  girl  was  so  disgusted  with  his 
good  opinion  of  hisself  that  she  told  him 
whenever  she  got  ready  to  buy  a  man,  she 
would  get  her  pa  to  bid  a  little  higher  an'  get 
her  a  real  man  instid  of  a  monkey-faced  dude. 
I  guess  it  didn't  break  his  heart  tho,  fur  he  was 
married  a  month  later  to  the  thirty-five-thous- 


164  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

and-dollaf  girl,  who  was  nearly  a  foot  taller 
than  him  an'  had  a  face  on  her  like  that  Swede 
girl  who  used  to  work  for  us.  But  her  pa  was 
proud  of  the  General's  social  standin',  an' 
bought  'em  a  house  out  on  the  Bonnie  Brae 
district  an'  a  big  red  automobile.  I  saw  'em 
together  once  an'  they  acted  like  as  if  they 
didn't  know  which  one  had  got  the  worst  of 
the  bargain.  But  then  they  tell  me,  bein'  in 
society,  they  needn't  see  each  other  more'n  once 
or  twice  a  month  an'  not  make  talk  either. 

'  It  seemed  awful  mercenary  to  hear  folks 
talkin'  about  marryin'  fur  money  at  first,  but 
then  to  be  fair  all  around,  the  wimmen  brought 
it  onto  themselves  by  dressin'  so  extravagant, 
for  it's  a  well-known  fact  that  the  wimmen  of 
Southern  California  are  the  best-dressed  wim 
men  in  the  United  States.  One  young  man 
said  a  man  who  wasn't  rich  couldn't  afford 
to  even  keep  company  with  a  society  girl  an* 
take  'em  to  high-priced  plays  an'  suppers  an' 
such  things;  an'  as  for  the  poor  girls,  they  all 
know  real  lace  an'  diamonds  when  they  see 
them,  an'  want  'em  worse  than  the  ones  who 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  165 

% 

have  always  had  'em.  '  I'd  hate  to  see  my  wife 
go  plain  an'  other  wimmin  havin'  things,'  says 
he,  '  so  the  only  way  to  do  is  to  stay  single  or 
marry  for  money;'  an'  when  I  see  a  woman 
payin'  ninety  dollars  fur  a  wash  dress  I  didn't 
blame  him. 

"  One  sees  all  sorts  of  people  at  close  range 
in  an  apartment  house.  The  folks  who  lived 
across  the  hall  from  us  fit,  an'  made  up,  time 
an'  again.  One  night  he  come  home  in  a  bad 
humor.  He  was  a  real  estate  agent,  an'  think- 
in'  to  make  a  sale,  had  hauled  a  party  around 
all  day,  an'  then  they  asked  him  to  take  them 
an'  their  baggage  to  the  station,  as  they  were 
goin'  East,  an'  jest  ridin'  around  to  kill  time 
till  their  train  come. 

"  Well,  his  wife  had  limber ger  cheese  for 
supper,  an'  bein',  as  I  said,  in  a  bad  humor, 
he  picked  up  the  dish  an'  hove  it  out  of  the 
window,  where  it  broke  to  pieces  on  some 
rocks.  She  bein'  auburn-haired  an'  spunky, 
picked  up  another  dish  an'  hoved  it  after  his'n. 
They  kept  it  up  till  they  throwed  every  dish 
out  of  the  window  into  the  back  yard.  They 


166  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

then  went  to  the  cupboard  an'  throwed  them 
out,  till  they  come  to  the  last  dish.  It  was 
his  throw,  but  he  was  a  polite  man,  an'  she 
bein'  a  lady,  he  bowed  an'  gave  the  dish  to  her, 
an'  she  throwed  it  after  the  rest.  The  next 
mornin'  I  see  'em  arm  in  arm,  good  as  pie, 
goin'  down  town  to  buy  new  dishes. 

'  Take  it  all  in  all,  I  liked  the  excitement 
of  the  apartment  house  life,  but  Hiram  'lowed 
six  months  of  it  would  spile  the  best  woman 
that  ever  lived,  an'  turn  her  into  a  gossipin', 
gaddin'  creature,  pickin'  every  other  woman 
she  see  to  pieces.  '  Why,'  says  he,  '  it's  them 
idle  women  that  crowd  them  department  stores 
tryin'  to  break  up  their  men  a-buyin'  things. 
From  the  looks  of  them  stores  you'd  think 
every  woman  in  Southern  California  had 
took  out  a  permit  to  be  a  sole  trader. 

'  Them  stores,'  says  he,  '  tells  the  story  of 
who  spends  the  money  in  California;  'bout  a 
thousand  wimmen  crowdin'  round  them  bar 
gain  counters  an'  mebby  a  dozen  or  so  scared- 
lookin'  men  tryin'  to  get  out  of  their  way. 
Got  wedged  in  there  one  day  when  I  was 


APAKTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  167 

tryin'  to  buy  some  twenty-five-cent  galluses, 
an'  had  to  call  on  the  floor  walker  to 
get  me  out.  I'm  afraid  you  are  contractin' 
them  spendin'-money  habits,  too,  Pheba;  a 
man  told  me  'twas  something  in  the  air  that 
made  good  economical  wimmen  back  home 
want  to  spend  every  dollar  they  can  get,  jest 
as  soon  as  they  cross  the  Californy  line.  I 
tho't  when  I  see  you  a-buyin'  that  lace  t'other 
day,  Pheba,  we'd  better  be  goin'  home.  Stood 
up  as  big  as  you  please  an'  paid  four  dollars 
a  yard  fur  that  fillay  lace,  with  good  strong 
pillow-case  lace,  right  acrost  the  aisle,  sellin' 
two  yard  fur  a  quarter.  Then  them  uncurled 
ostrich  fixens  you  had  put  on  your  hat  didn't 
look  a  mite  better  than  them  bronze  turkey 
feathers  that's  a-goin'  to  waste  at  home.  Then 
you  let  Herman's  wife  put  you  up  to  cut  your 
cuffs  off  an'  wear  them  long  stockin'-leg 
things  on  your  arms,  an'  then  thirty  dollars 
fur  a  ostrich  feather  neck  ruff",  when  your 
black  cashmere  shawl  would  a'  kept  your  neck 
a  lot  warmer.' 

"  But  the  funny  part  of  it  was,  Mandy, 


168  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

after  all  your  Uncle's  fussin'  he  never  would 
let  me  wear  my  old  things,  after  he  got  used 
to  the  new  things.  Said  I  looked  like  I  *  just 
come  over,'  an'  sich  things.  Ain't  that  jest 
like  him,  anyway? 

"  After  that  fall  off  of  that  ladder,  I  had 
a  twinge  of  rheumatism  in  my  arm  so  we  went 
down  to  the  Hot  Springs  for  a  few  weeks. 
An  old  woman,  who  put  me  in  mind  of 
Burnse's  woman,  '  whose  nose  an'  chin  did 
threaten  other,'  set  in  the  same  car  seat  with 
me,  an'  asked  me  what  I  was  goin'  there 
for.  I  told  her  fur  my  health,  an'  after  lookin' 
me  over  a  minute  she  said :  '  You  must  be 
one  of  them  healthy  invalids  I've  hear  tell  of, 
a-runnin'  up  an'  down  California,  an'  havin' 
a  good  time.' 

"  A  funny  thing  happened  at  them  springs, 
too.  I've  read  of  sich  things,  but  I  actually 
see  this  myself.  It  wasn't  very  funny,  tho',  to 
the  poor  man  it  happened  to,  an'  him  tryin'  to 
put  his  best  foot  forward  with  a  new  wife.  He 
wan't  as  young  as  he  had  been  once,  an'  had  his 
beard  an'  hair  dyed  a  jet  black.  He  had 


APARTMENT-HOUSE  LIFE  169 

rheumatiz,  too,  an'  thinkin'  to  combine  sick 
ness  with  pleasure,  he  come  down  to  the  Hot 
Springs  an'  took  a  course  of  baths.  In  a  few 
days  the  sulphur  an'  other  minerals  in  the  wa 
ter  had  turned  his  black  hair  an'  beard  a  rich 
olive  green.  In  desperation  he  rushed  from 
one  remedy  to  another  tryin'  to  turn  'em  black 
again,  but  the  best  he  could  do  was  to  turn  'em 
a  brick  red.  That  at  least  was  one  step  back 
toward  nature,  for  a  red-headed  man  don't 
look  half  as  queer  as  a  green-headed  one. 

"  But  he  wa'n't  satisfied  so  he  shaved  off  his 
beard,  an'  mowed  his  head  till  he  looked  like 
a  big  red  beet ;  honestly,  when  he  got  through 
he  was  the  ugliest  man  I  ever  laid  eyes  on,  an' 
the  new  wife  who  had  never  seen  him  'thout 
his  dyed  whiskers  an'  hair,  was  so  discouraged 
she  didn't  show  herself  for  a  week.  I  told 
Hiram,  then  an'  there,  that  havin'  a  beard  was 
one  pint  where  the  men  had  the  wimmen 
beaten.  If  a  woman  has  a  weak,  wobbly 
chin,  an'  a  mouth  that  occupies  most  of  the 
territory  below  her  eyes,  she  must  go  through 
life,  an'  face  the  world  just  so.  But  with  a 


170  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

man  it  is  different.      A  beard  will  cover  up 
a  multitude  of  defective  features. 

'  Well,'  says  Hiram,  '  I  guess  nature  gin- 
erally  knows  what  she  is  doin.'  Yes,'  he  says, 
*  nature  see  at  once  it  wouldn't  be  safe  to  make 
wimmen  anythin'  but  smooth-faced.'  '  Why?' 
says  I,  knowin'  well  enough,  too,  that  he'd  an 
swer  back  something  mean  to  uphold  the  men, 
an'  he  said :  '  Cause  she'd  never  quit  talkin' 
long  enough  to  get  shaved.' ' 


UNCLE  HIRAM  TRIES  OUT  His  NEW  AUTO 
MOBILE,  WITH  DOUBTFUL  RESULTS— 
ALSO  CREATES  SENSATION  AT  LA  FIESTA, 
BUT  CONFIDENCE  Is  UNSHAKEN  AND  RE 
GRETS  HE  DID  NOT  ENTER  AUTO  AND 
CARRY  OUT  NEBRASKA  IDEA. 


AT   LA   FIESTA. 


HADN'T  much  more  than  got 
settled  in  that  new  house,  Mandy," 
said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  before  your 
Uncle  brought  home  that  ottermobile  an'  then 
my  trouble  commenced.  If  I  wan't  ready  an' 
anxious  to  go  every  time  he  did,  he  took  it  as 
a  personal  insult,  an'  a  reflection  on  his  ability 
to  protect  me,  an'  holdin'  my  breath  with  fear, 
I  sot  upon  that  puffin',  snortin'  thing  that  run 
backwards  as  often  as  any  other  way,  knowin' 
I  dasen't  get  out  'thout  a  fuss,  an'  wishin'  the 
thing  would  throw  me  out  an'  end  the  suspense. 
I  wanted  Hiram  to  keep  a  man  to  run  it  till 
he  got  expert,  but  he  said :  '  If  an  intellergint 
man  like  Hiram  Harrison  has  to  get  a 
cheff ewer  to  run  an  ottermobile  after  he  has 
run  steam  thrashers  an'  things,  he'd  better  take 
a  back  seat.  I'll  run  her,  er  bust  her,'  says  he. 
An'  he  done  both. 

"  Nothin'  would  do  but  we  must  get  otter- 
mobile  things,  an'  when  we  put  'em  on  fur  the 


174  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

first  time  an'  met  each  other  unexpectedly  in 
the  back  yard,  we  was  scairt,  an'  when  Hiram 
got  his  breath  back  he  says :  '  There'll  be 
horses  runnin'  off  when  they  see  you  in  them 
goggles  an'  that  dinky  little  cap;  couldn't  a 
had  a  mile  er  two  more  of  vailin'  wropped 
aroun  yer  head,  could  you?  You're  a  sight  in 
them  shoes  an'  elbow  length  skirt ;  why  in  crea 
tion  couldn't  a  got  somethin'  natty  like  me.' 

"  As  fur  him  he  was  rigged  out  in  leggins 
an'  things  till  he  looked  like  a  cowboy  in 
Buffalo  Bill's  wild  west  show.  We  got  into 
the  ottermobile  an'  the  only  accident  we  had  a 
gettin'  out  of  the  yard  was  knockin'  down  one 
gatepost,  which  was  an  improvement  on  pre 
vious  performances.  A  few  miles  out  into 
the  country  we  run  into  a  redheaded  Irish  wo 
man  leadin'  a  cow;  said  cow  bein'  on  one  side 
of  the  road  an'  the  woman  on  t'other,  an'  the  two 
attached  to  each  other  with  a  rope.  We  was 
almost  on  'em  before  we  see  the  rope,  an'  the 
cow  commenced  to  throw  up  her  head  an  kick 
up  her  hind  legs  an'  caper,  an'  the  ottermobile 
bein'  stopped  off  so  sudden  done  the  same. 


AT   LA   FIESTA  175 

Honestly  you'd  a  thought  'twas  a  livin'  critter 
that  was  scairt  as  bad  at  that  old  cow,  as  she 
was  at  it.  Hiram  got  addled,  an'  geehawed 
an'  counter-balanced,  that  machine  till  it  fairly 
danced,  an'  all  the  time  that  rope  was  twistin' 
itself  round  the  gearin'  an'  gettin'  shorter  an' 
the  cow  was  gettin'  scairter,  an'  the  Irish 
woman  was  gettin'  madder.  When  Hiram 
gets  real  excited  he's  a  little  cross-eyed,  altho' 
you  dasen't  tell  him  so,  an'  when  he  see  what  a 
mess  he'd  got  the  woman  into  he  commenced  to 
apologize,  an'  she  thinkin'  by  the  way  he  was 
lookiri'  that  he  was  addressin'  the  cow,  said: 
'  Apologize  to  the  baste  uv  a  cow,  will  ye,  while 
a  dacent  Irish  woman  stands  by  entirely  ig 
nored.  Give  a  good  moind  to  give  ye  a  batin' 
an'  prod  the  wind  out  uv  that  snortin'  thing 
with  me  sharp  stick.' 

"  By  this  time  things  looked  serious  an'  I 
wanted  to  climb  out  over  the  back  of  the 
machine,  but  Hiram  said  whenever  I  lost  con 
fidence  in  his  powers  to  pertect  me  'twas  time 
to  part,  so  I,  driven  most  desprit,  said  to  any 
one  who  would  listen :  *  The  cow's  climbin'  into 


176  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

my  lap;  can't  someone  cut  the  rope.'  Hiram 
hadn't  thot  of  that,  an'  had  his  knife  out  in  a 
jiffy,  an'  slashed  the  rope  to  bits,  an'  the  Irish 
woman  said:  'Tis  lucky  fur  me  the  whole 
family  wasn't  born  idiots  er  my  cow  would  a 
bin  kilt  entoirely.  Five  dollars  ye'll  pay  me 
just  the  same  fur  the  shock  to  me  an'  the  cow's 
falins,  not  to  mintion  the  bran  new  rope,'  an'  as 
Hiram  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket  she  added: 
*  Oime  not  goin'  to  be  chated  by  any  little  cross 
eyed  billy  goat  uv  a  mon' — jest  then,  whether 
by  accident  er  design  I  never  knowed,  the 
machine  give  a  snort,  an'  a  jump,  an'  jest 
missin'  the  Irish  woman,  an'  hittin'  the  old  cow 
who  stood  at  what  she  thought  a  safe  distance, 
viewin'  things,  a  clip  on  the  head,  we  was  off 
like  a  shot.  When  I  caught  my  breath  I 
looked  back  an'  saw  the  Irish  woman  shakin' 
her  fist  at  us,  an'  no  doubt  sayin'  some  inter- 
estin'  things.  An'  Hiram  just  chuckled  to 
hisself  all  the  way  home,  's  if  he  had  done 
something  smart. 

'  The  very  next  day  we  saw  the  Flower 
festival   in   Los  Angeles,   an'  it  was   grand. 


AT   LA    FIESTA  177 

'Twas  an  excitin'  time  fur  me,  aside  frum  the 
parade,  which  was  excitement  enough  fur  one 
day.  I  never  see  so  many  flowers,  an'  otter- 
mobiles,  an'  prancin'  horses,  an'  pretty  dressed 
wimmen  in  all  my  life  before.  We  went  down 
town  early,  so  as  to  get  a  good  place  to  view 
the  parade  frum.  I  wanted  to  get  the  first 
seats  I  see  on  the  line  where  the  parade  was 
goin',  but  your  Uncle  Hiram  got  a  stingy 
streak  on  him  that  mornin',  an'  when  he  see  the 
seats  marked  fifty  cents  an'  a  dollar,  he  said 
'twas  a  '  regular  hold  up  '  an'  said  '  we'd  go  on 
till  we  see  some  fur  a  quarter.' 

'  That's  where  I  missed  it,  by  follerin' 
your  Uncle,  when  I  should  a  set  down  in  one 
of  them  seats  an'  let  him  grouched  till  he  got 
through.  When  I  told  him  I'd  be  ashamed, 
if  I  was  him,  for  bein'  so  tight-fisted,  he  said: 
'  Tight-fisted  nothin',  it  hain't  the  money  I'm 
thinkin'  of  so  much  as  reskin'  you  on  one  of 
them  little  pie-plate  seats,  or  on  them  little 
four-inch  boards  tha^  would  like  as  not  break 
off  short  when  you  got  good  an'  settled. 
'Twould  raise  a  big  hubadoo  an'  that  sensa- 

12 


178  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

tional  paper  that  makes  a  speciality  of  sich 
things  would  rush  sketch  artists  here  to  make 
a  sketch  of  you  on  the  spot,  an'  like  as  not 
when  they  got  through  drawin'  you  they'd 
draw  up  some  awful  lookin'  thing  an'  put  in 
the  paper  along  side  of  your  picture  with 
readin'  under  it  sayin' :  '  This  is  Hiram  Har 
rison,  husband  of  Pheba,  the  big  woman  who 
wrecked  a  section  of  seats  while  viewin'  of  the 
Fiester  Parade."  'Twould  disgrace  me  all 
over  Lancaster  county.  If  I'd  a  thot  I'd  bro't 
a  board,'  says  he.  '  I  wouldn't  a  minded  to  a 
bought  three  seats  an'  put  the  board  acrost,  an' 
'twould  a  done  fur  both  of  us,  an'  we'd  a  bin 
safe  an'  comfortable.  None  of  them  little 
scantlin'  an'  bicycle  seats,  at  fifty  each,  fur 
me.' 

"  By  this  time  the  crowd  was  as  thick  as  at 
a  Bryan  meetin',  an'  the  seats  were  all  gone,  an' 
the  only  hopes  of  us  seein'  the  parade  was  to 
hang  onto  the  little  foot  holt  we  had  on  the 
edge  of  the  sidewalk.  The  sun  was  hot,  an' 
the  wimmen's  hats  were  on  crooked,  an'  the 
powder  off  their  noses,  an'  the  children  were 


AT    LA    FIESTA  179 

cross;  an'  thinkin'  how  foolish  I'd  bin  not 
gettin'  a  seat  when  I  had  the  chance,  didn't 
make  my  temper  any  evener;  I  believe  'twas 
the  thickest  crowd  I  ever  was  in,  so  thick  we 
couldn't  even  hist  our  umbrel  to  keep  off  the 
sun.  As  we  stood  there  waitin',  a  man  tried 
to  break  through  our  lines  an'  get  under  the 
stretched  rope  to  the  street,  but  the  crowd 
pushed  an'  jawed  him  an'  wouldn't  budge  an 
inch. 

:'  He  took  it  good-natured,  but  kept  tryin' 
to  get  through,  sayin'  he  was  a  doctor  goin'  to 
see  a  sick  patient;  but  as  he  didn't  have  any 
medicine  case  they  jeered  him  worse  than  ever. 
When  he  pushed  toward  Hiram  an'  crowded  us 
wimmen,  Hiram  raised  that  shut  umbrel,  likes 
if  'twas  a  bayonet,  an'  says :  *  Give  the  right 
password  an'  quit  crowdin'  them  wimmen,  er 
I'll  run  you  through  an'  through  with  this 
umbrel.'  Then  the  man  motioned  to  a  police 
man  an'  told  him  his  story  an'  the  police 
man  cut  a  path  through  fur  the  doctor  by  usin' 
his  club. 

"  As  Hiram  stood  back  at  the  club's  pint  to 


180  TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

let  the  man  through,  a  big  woman  (I  looked 
little  beside  her)  slipped  in  front  of  us  an' 
planted  herself  on  the  edge  of  the  sidewalk 
into  our  old  places  entirely  obscurin'  our  view 
of  the  street.  Hiram  asked  her  to  go  back  an' 
let  us  have  the  places  we'd  held  so  long,  but 
she  pretended  to  be  deaf.  He  said :  '  There's 
nothin'  left  but  to  push  ourselves  into  our  old 
place ;'  but  she  stood  stock  still  an'  never  moved 
a  muscle.  '  I  don't  believe  anythin'  short  of  a 
derrick  kin  move  her,'  says  he.  '  I  believe  she's 
turned  to  stone;  I'm  as  weak  as  a  cat  when  it 
comes  to  her.  I  guess  'twill  take  several  of  us 
jined  together  to  fetch  'er.'  Several  wimmen 
who  had  lost  front  places  in  the  shuffle,  offered 
to  help,  but  I  bein'  disgusted  with  him,  'bout 
them  seats,  said  real  short:  'I  didn't  come  here 
to  jine  any  pushin'  matches.  I  wish  I  was  out 
of  here;  'twould  be  all  I'd  ask.  I'm  sick  of 
things.'  '  111  git  you  out,  Pheba,'  says  your 
Uncle.  *  You'll  do  wonders,'  says  I,  sarcasti 
cally  like.  That  made  him  mad  as  a  hornet, 
fur  I  can't  insult  Hiram  Harrison  quicker  than 
to  doubt  his  ability  to  take  care  of  me.  '  I  kin 


AT   LA   FIESTA  181 

get  you  out  of  here  in  five  minutes,  yes,  two 
of  them,'  says  he.  *  Try  it,'  says  I,  an'  I  never 
regretted  two  words  as  much  in  my  life,  fur 
your  Uncle  grabbed  me  round  the  waist  an' 
commenced  f  annin'  me  with  his  hat  an'  all  the 
time  yellin'  to  that  policeman :  '  Woman  faint- 
in'!  get  her  out  of  here,  quick!'  an'  in  a  jiffy 
that  policeman  had  clubbed  a  path  fur  me,  an' 
him,  an'  Hiram,  an'  before  I  could  sense  what 
was  goin'  on,  I  was  out  to  the  edge  of  the  side 
walk  where  an  ottermobile  with  somethin'  about 
'  Emergency  '  painted  on  it,  stood  waitin'.  I 
could  see  the  ottermobile  was  a  little  more 
than  your  Uncle  had  counted  on,  but  he  never 
let  on,  an'  hopped  up  into  it  haulin'  me  after 
him  by  both  arms,  while  the  sympathetic  young 
Irish  policeman,  assisted  by  fairly  liftin'  me 
bodily  into  the  vehicle,  an'  with  considerable 
blowin'  of  gongs  we  was  off. 

"  I  never  said  a  word ;  in  fact,  I  was  so 
indigant  with  Hiram,  I  wouldn't  a  said  a  word 
if  they'd  a  took  me  to  jail.  After  goin?  a  few 
blocks  Hiram  told  the  man  who  was  runnin' 
the  ottermobile  that  his  wife  had  revived  so, 


182  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

by  gettin'  into  the  fresh  air,  he  guessed  he 
wouldn't  bother  him  to  go  any  further.  I 
guess  the  man  wasn't  used  to  havin'  his  pa 
tients  come  to  so  quick,  fur  he  looked  perfectly 
dumf  ounded  when  he  looked  round  an'  see  me 
settin'  up  there,  as  well  as  anybody,  'cept  I  was 
as  mad  as  a  wet  hen. 

'  If  it's  agin  the  rules  mebby  that  will  fix 
it,'  says  Hiram,  handin'  him  somethin';  when 
the  man  shook  his  head,  Hiram  says,  '  fur  the 
charity  fund,  then;'  an'  the  man  put  whatever 
Hiram  gave  him  in  his  pocket  an'  smilin'  all 
over,  let  us  out,  right  in  front  of  a  store  where 
there  was  some  nice  seats,  that  hadn't  bin  taken, 
marked  a  dollar  a  piece;  we  got  into  our  seats 
just  in  time  to  see  the  parade  start,  an'  mad 
as  I  was  at  the  way  I  got  there,  I  enjoyed  my 
self  furst  rate,  considerin'  what  I'd  bin 
through. 

"  As  we  set  down,  Hiram  said,  boastfully : 
*  Mebby  in  time,  Pheba,  you'll  get  on  to  the 
fact  that  when  Hiram  Harrison  says  he'll  do 
a  thing  he  ginerally  does  it.'  '  Most  anyone 
could,  if  they  don't  care  what  they  do,'  says  I, 


AT   LA    FIESTA  183 

feelin'  cross  at  the  show  I'd  made  of  myself 
an'  thankin'  my  lucky  stars  I  was  in  a  strange 
crowd;  but  the  parade  was  too  interestin'  to 
argue  over  what  had  already  bin  done,  so  I 
settled  back  with  a  sigh  of  relief  to  enjoy  it. 
"  Hiram  fretted  a  good  deal  durin'  the 
parade  about  bein'  a  few  days  too  late  to  enter 
his  new  ottermobile.  '  I'd  a  fixed  up  somethin' 
that  would  a  made  'em  stare,'  says  he. 
'  There's  no  doubt  of  it,'  says  I  dryly,  not  bein' 
in  the  humor  to  side  in  with  him  too  much. 
'  That  black  team  trimmed  in  yeller  is  a 
corker,'  says  he.  '  An'  to  my  mind  that  wo 
man  ridin'  in  the  kerridge  is  the  stunnenist 
female  in  the  parade.  I  allus  said  yeller  was 
the  becomenest  color  for  pretty,  plump  wim- 
men,  with  good  complections.  Now  we  could 
a  represented  Nebraska  furstrate,  an'  we'd  a 
done  it,  sure  as  fate  if  we'd  a  got  our  otter- 
mobile  in  time.'  I  trembled  at  the  narrer 
escape  I'd  had,  for  he'd  adone  it  or  had  a 
fuss. 

*  Let's  see,'  says  he,  '  I'd  a  used  cornblades 
for  the  foundation  trimmin'  of  my  ottermo- 


184  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

bile;  a  fringe  of  cornblades  hangin'  graceful 
like  round  the  whole  vehikle,  headed  by  a  set 
row  of  sunflowers.  Then  you  could  a  carried 
a  parasol  kivered  with  cornblades,  with  small 
roastin'  ear  nubbins  a  finishin'  off  the  top  an'  rib 
ends  of  the  parasol.  You  would  a  looked  well, 
too,  in  one  of  them  wide  sailer  effect  hats, 
trimmed  with  a  wreath  of  big  sunflowers  round 
the  crown,  an'  a  bunch  of  them  sewed  onto  the 
underparts,  behind.  Then  them  new  streamer 
effects  could  a  bin  carried  out  by  green  corn- 
blades  floatin'  gracefully  round,  er  looped  into 
place  with  sunflower  chow-chows  an'  rosettes. 
You'd  a  bin  a  study  in  yeller  an  greenness,' 
says  he. 

'  No  doubt,  about  the  greenness,'  says  I, 
an'  mistakin'  my  sarcasm  fur  fact,  he  says: 
'  Well,  of  course  bein's  Nebraska  more  noted 
fur  a  corn  state  than  fur  flowers,  we'd  likely 
use  most  green  so  as  not  to  infringe  on  Kan 
sas.  You  could  a  stitched  them  cornblades 
onto  cloth  to  make  'em  stout,  an'  used  'em  fur 
galluses  over  your  white  waist,  givin'  that  new 
jumper  suit  effect  like  Herman's  wife  wears. 


AT   LA   FIESTA  186 

A  belt  somethin'  similar  would  a  looked  smart, 
but  you'd  a  had  to  pieced  them  little  cornblades 
they  raise  out  here  several  times  to  make  'em 
reach  round.  Then  a  yeller  skirt  trimmed 
balmoral  style  with  sewed  on  cornblades  would 
a  completed  what  I'd  a  called  a  strikin'  cost 
ume,  an'  who  knows  but  twould  a  took  a  prize. 
Then  to  carry  out  the  Nebraska  idee  further, 
we'd  a  had  a  cute  little  shoat  painted  on  the 
ottermobile  somewheres,  with  a  wreath  of  corn- 
tassels  surroundin'  it,  an'  little  motto  sayin': 
"  Corn  is  King,"  er  "  Hogs  an'  Hominy 

beats  "  '— 

. 

'  Don't  dare  paint  any  sich  stuff  on  any 
thing  I'm  a  goin'  to  ride  in',  says  I,  not  know- 
in'  what  he  might  do  yet,  an'  he  growled  back : 
*  Shucks,  I  never  could  do  anything  new  an' 
uneke  fur  you.  Them  foreign  fellers  have 
lions  an'  -eagles  an'  things  that  hain't  half  as 
useful  as  a  hog  painted  on  their  vehickles  all 
the  time,  an'  I  was  jest  tryin'  to  carry  out  a 
certain  idee  fur  one  day.' 

*  Well,'  says  I,  '  'twouldn't  be  a  popular 
idee,  anyway,  fur  the  folks  out  here  kind  of 
poke  fun  at  the  "  hog  an'  hominy  "  states.' 


186  TOURIST   TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

"  '  Fun  nothing',  says  your  Uncle,  gettin" 
red  in  the  face.  '  I  notice  they  air  gettin'  up 
all  the  schemes  you  ever  hear  tell  of,  to  get 
the  "  hog  an'  hominy "  dollars  out  of  us.' 
'  Shucks,'  says  he,  gettin'  madder,  '  jest  as  if 
sich  money  hain't  as  good  as  money  made  by 
keepin'  store  an'  hotels  an'  holdin'  office  an' 
sellin'  real  estate  an'  sellin'  drinks  an'  sich. 
An'  I'm  willin'  to  leave  it  to  any  sane  person  if 
a  field  of  wavin'  cornblades  hain't  as  purty  as 
them  dusty  pam  leaves,  an'  sun  flowers  an' 
purty  as  that  yaller  mustard.' 

'  Then  I'd  had  a  yeller  an'  green  suit  made 
like  that  feller  on  the  black  horse.  A  Zooave 
jacket  would  be  jest  the  thing — too  bad  it's 
too  late,'  said  he,  sadly.  After  watchin'  the 
parade  awhile  he  slapped  his  hand  on  the  back 
of  my  chair  an'  laffin'  right  out  loud  said, '  I've 
got  it.'  '  What? '  says  I,  *  that  flea  you've  bin 
chasm'  all  mornin'  ?  '  Flea,  nothin','  says  he, 
'  funny  I'd  furget  it.  I  heard  a  man  say  last 
week  there  was  goin'  to  be  a  Santa  Ana. 
Santa  Ana  used  to  be  a  great  general  er  some 
thing  an'  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  'twould 


AT   LA   FIESTA  187 

take  the  form  of  a  military  as  well  as  a  flower 
parade.  In  that  case  I  kin  kerry  out  the  idee 
I've  outlined  an'  give  the  military  touch  by 
havin'  you  carry  a  flag  bein's  I  will  be  occupied 
a  runnin'  the  ottermobile.  Lucky  thing  fur 
me  this  Santa  Ana  parade!'  Then  I  laughed 
till  I  nearly  shook  the  seat  down,  an'  Hiram 
lookin'  cross  said :  '  If  you  don't  tell  me  what 
tickles  you  I'll  call  another  policeman;'  an'  I 
managed  to  say :  '  A  Santa  Ana  is  a  wind 
an'  dust  storm.' 

"Your  Uncle  despises  a  joke  on  hisself,  so 
he  answered  as  bold  as  brass :  '  I  knowed  it ;' 
but  he  didn't." 


AUNT  PHEBA  DOES  THE  APARTMENT  HOUSE, 
GETS  THE  GOSSIPITIS,  GOES  TO  THE  IOWAY 
PICNIC  AT  EASTLAKE  PARK,  BECOMES  IN 
DIGNANT  OVER  EMBLEM  SUGGESTED  FOB 
NEBRASKY. 


NEBRASKA    EMBLEM. 


'  When  me  and  your  Uncle  visited  some 
cousins  on  my  side  in  a  little  mining  town  in 
Californy,  we  went  with  the  folks  to  a  lodge 
entertainment  one  night.  They  had  speakin' 
an'  musick  an'  refreshments;  your  Uncle  loud 
that  he'd  seen  refreshiner  things  than  them 
two  cove  oysters  he  et,  with  some  warm  water 
fur  soup. 

'  The  first  thing  on  the  programme  was  a 
pome  to  be  spoke  by  a  large  raw-boned  woman 
about  forty-five  with  a  voice  on  her  like  a  graf  - 
aphone.  She  come  onto  the  stage  nearly  on 
the  run  an'  got  so  near  the  edge  of  the  plat 
form  that  when  she  made  her  bow  she  come 
nigh  toplin'  overboard. 

"  She  was  flustrated  bad  enough  before,  but 
after  this  little  accident  she  seemed  scared 
nearly  stiff,  but  after  a  moment's  wait  she 


192  TOUKIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

commenced  to  declaim  in  a  loud  voice,  as  if 
someone  was  a  goin'  to  contradict  her. 

'  It  is  comin',  it  is  comin', 
I  can  feel  it  in  the  air.' 

'  Then  she  stopped  an'  looked  helplessly 
round.  After  waitin'  till  we  thot  she  was  goin' 
to  give  it  up,  she  drawed  a  long  breath  an' 
commenced  again. 

"  It  is  comin' ;  it  is  comin','  she  repeated,  but 
it  didn't  come  any  better  than  before,  in  fact, 
not  so  well,  an'  when  a  smarty  back  by  the  door 
hollered  out,  'Let  'er  come,'  she  set  down  in 
despair,  leavin'  us  to  wonder  if  'twas  spring, 
er  rheumatism,  er  what,  she  was  feelin'  in 
the  air. 

'  The  woman's  failure  must  a  got  on  the 
nerves  of  the  aukward  half  grown  girl  who 
responded  to  the  call  of  her  name  next,  fur  she 

was  so  scared  she  never  got  any  further  than 

* 

her  bow. 

"  Her  mother,  who  was  a  settin'  in  the  cen 
ter  of  tjie  audience,  hopin'  to  refresh  her 
daughter's  memory  recited  the  first  verse,  but 


* 


NEBRASKA   EMBLEM  193 

still  the  girl  stood  there  as  if  turned  to  stone, 
gazin'  at  her  mother,  who,  by  now,  had  claimed 
the  attention  of  us  all,  an'  we  listened  while 
she  spoke  the  whole  pome.  When  her  mother 
quit  speakin'  the  girl  seemed  to  come  out  of  her 
trance  an',  bowin'  low,  she  set  down  without 
ever  speakin'  one  word. 

'  Yes,  we  stayed  at  that  apartment  house  in 
Los  Angeles  quite  a  spell  an'  in  some  ways  it 
was  grand,  fur  when  we  got  tired  of  the  res 
taurants  we  could  go  to  them  delicate-essents 
stores  an'  buy  most  anything,  from  five  cents' 
worth  of  baked  beans  to  a  turkey,  ready  cooked, 
an'  eat  it  on  our  own  table. 

'  You  could  get  a  Jap  where  we  stayed,  by 
pay  in'  him  a  little  extra,  to  do  most  of  the 
mussy  work,  an'  it  was  nice  to  be  able  to  go 
out  in  the  parlor  long  with  about  fifty  other 
wimmen,  an'  read  the  mornin'  paper  an'  em 
broider,  an'  there,  it's  out  at  last!— gossip. 
'Taint  no  trick  at  all  to  get  acquainted  in  them 
apartment  houses.  I  hadent  bin  there  two  days 
before  a  tall,  lanky  woman,  with  little'  beady, 
black  eyes  that  seemed  to  look  through  you, 

13 


194  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

took  me  under  her  wing  an'  told  me  the 
history  of  most  everybody  in  the  house, 
sayin',  '  See  that  little  body  goin'  up  in 
the  elevator?  Yes,  the  one  with  the  bleached 
hair  an'  the  blue  Russian  blouse  jacket — well, 
she  has  had  three  husbands;  buried  one,  di 
vorced  one,  an'  is  livin'  here  with  hubby  No.  3. 
Look  at  that  red-headed  woman  comin'  down 
the  stairs — the  one  wearin'  them  high-heeled 
shoes  an'  the  lingerie  waist.  Look  at  her  sharp, 
an*  tell  me  what  you  think.  You  don't  mean 
to  say  you  don't  notice  nuthin'  wrong  with 
her?  That  woman  had  her  face  skinned  last 
fall.'  'Automobile  accident?'  I  asked,  an'  she 
said,  'I  should  say  not;  she  was  ingaged  to 
merry  a  man  ten  years  younger  than  herself 
an'  she  went  to  a  beauty  doctor  an'  had  the  skin 
on  her  face  literally  taken  off,  wrinkles  an'  all ; 
he  played  a  trick  on  her  tho,  that  nearly  tickled 
the  rest  of  us  ladies  to  death.  He  fixed  up  one 
side  first  an'  then  taxed  her  a  hundred  dollars 
extra  to  fix  the  other  side;  she  kicked  but  he 
threatened  to  send  the  account  to  her  beau,  so 
she  payed  it.  Made  her  look  younger  all  right, 


NEBRASKA   EMBLEM  195 

but  we  ladies  call  her  the  American  Flag,  be 
cause  on  a  hot  day  she's  red,  on  a  medium  day 
white,  an'  on  a  cold  day  she's  blue.  See  them 
three  wimmen  goin'  into  the  cafe?  Grass 
widows,  ever  one  of  them.  Pretty?  Of  course; 
it  hardly  pays  a  woman  to  go  to  the  trouble  of 
gettin'  a  divorce  less  she  is,  for  a  grass  widow 
don't  seem  to  think  it's  any  great  feather  in 
their  caps  to  be  divorced,  like  the  men  do  out 
here.  See  that  woman  goin'  up  to  the  land 
lord  ?  The  one  with  the  flat  nose  an'  her  under 
jaw  stickin'  out  like  a  cow  ketcher,  in  front. 
She's  a  real  widow,  an'  the  airs  she  puts  on 
over  the  other  kind  because  hers  is  a  dead  instid 
of  a  livin'  trouble,  is  comicel  to  see.  Her  hus 
band  has  been  dead  five  months  an'  she  openly 
avows  her  intention  of  marryin'  agin,  sayin' 
that  is  the  greatest  compliment  a  woman  can 
pay  her  dead  husband,  is  to  marry  soon,  very, 
very  soon.  She  is  a  regular  bargain  counter 
fiund.  She  bought  her  husband's  things  to 
bury  him  in  a  yeai£  before  he  really  died,  an1 
her  own  mournin'  outfit,  too.  She  answered  a 
advertisement  in  a  matrimonel  paper  an'  the 


196          TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

fellow,  a  seven  footer  who  weighed  about  a 
hundred  pounds  an'  lived  in  some  little  back 
woods  town,  come  to  see  her  one  day  a  ridin' 
a  horse  so  small  he  had  to  bend  his  knees  to 
keep  his  feet  off  the  ground.  He  was  a  hard 
lookin'  dose,  but  I  guess  she  thot  she  might 
put  him  on  a  milk  diet  an'  fatten  him  up  er 
somethin',  fur  she  took  to  him  right  away,  but 
one  look  at  her  mug  done  him,  an'  he  was  in 
sich  a  hurry  to  get  away  that  he  clim  onto  his 
horse  an'  tried  to  ride  it  off  without  first  un- 
hitchin'  it. 

'  There  goes  the  propritor  an'  his  wife,'  she 
kept  on  as  the  homely  widow  left  the  room, 
'See  her  diamonds  shine — they  say  that's  what 
went  with  most  of  the  money  when  they  broke 
up  in  business  back  east.  Chated  the  creditors 
shamefully. 

"  '  See  that  portly  man  in  the  shabby  suit? 
He  owns  this  building  an'  is  a  millinar.  He 
took  the  typewriter  girl  down  to  Santa  Mon 
ica  on  an  outin',  an'  treated  her  to  a  twenty- 
five  cent  fish  dinner — stingiest  man  in  Los  An 
geles  County. 


NEBRASKA   EMBLEM  197 

"  '  There  he's  goin'  out  with  that  crowd.  I'll 
bet  he  wouldn't  if  he  knowed  some  things 
about  'em  I  do,  but  I  allus  make  it  a  rule  never 
to  say  a  word  about  what  I  see  er  hear  in  this 
house.' 

"  A  month  er  so  later  me  an'  your  Uncle 
had  some  friends  a  collin'  on  us  in  the  apart 
ment  house  parlors.  The  little  lady  with  the 
bleached  hair  an'  the  blue  pony  jacket  passed 
through  the  room  to  the  elevator. 

"  '  See  that  little  lady,'  says  I,  'the  one  with 
the  bleached  hair  an'  the  blue  Russian  blouse? 
She's  had  three  husbands ;  buried  one,  divorced 
one,  an'  is  livin'  here  with  hubby  No.  3.'  My 
voice  sounded  holler  an'  fur  away — your  Uncle 
looked  at  me -in  mild  astonishment  over  his 
specks — the  others  smiled — I  was  learnin'  fast 
—at  last  I  had  caught  that  dreadful  apart 
ment  house  disease — Gossipitis. 

"  It  was  time  to  move  an'  we  did. 

•"Some  folks  who  stayed  in  the  next  apart 
ment  to  us  invited  us  to  go  to  their  state  pic 
nic  with  'em  an'  we  went.  It's  a  regular  fad, 
them  state  picnics  out  in  Calif orny.  Iowa 


198  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

claimed  she  could  scare  up  the  biggest  crowd 
an'  from  the  way  they  scrouged  us  into  them 
street  cars  I  guess  she  was  right. 

'  We  saw  lots  of  funny  meetin's  betwixt 
folks  who  hadn't  seen  each  other  fur  years. 
One  oldish  couple  who  looked  like  they  hadent 
bin  off  the  farm  fur  years  an'  years,  stood 
under  their  county  tree  both  laffin'  an'  talkin' 
at  once  an'  actin'  like  they  was  havin'  the  time 
of  their  two  lives. 

'  The  man  who  never  would  a  stood  any 
chance  at  a  beauty  show  was  tall  an'  lank  an' 
reminded  me  of  them  burlesque  pictures,  them 
cartoonests  make  of  Uncle  Sam.  The  wife  was 
as  fat  an'  short  as  her  mate  was  tall  an'  lean ;  she 
wore  a  three  ply  double  chin  an'  had  her  whisp 
of  faded  blond  hair  twisted  into  the  tightest 
little  knot  at  the  back  of  her  head  you  ever  see. 
A  big  hair  pin  as  long  as  a  dinner  fork  an'  out 
of  all  proportions  to  the  little  dab  of  hair,  was 
stuck  through  it.  Her  little  short  backed  sailer 
hat  made  her  flamin'  red  face  look  as  big  an' 
round  as  a  dishpan.  But  she  was  a  good- 
natured  soul  an'  her  blue  eyes  beamed,  an'  she 


NEBRASKA   EMBLEM  199 

shook  like  a  boul  full  of  jelly  as  she  laughed 
at  the  smart  things  her  husband  was  a-sayin'. 
They  was  both  of  them  in  a  hilarious  mood  an' 
the  old  feller  cracked  jokes,  an'  bloued  his  long 
nose  into  a  big  bandana  handkerchief,  that 
looked  like  a  little  tablecloth. 

"  In  the  midst  of  their  fun  a  fine  lookin' 
man,  a  prof  eshional  man  of  some  sort,  stepped 
from  his  automobile  an'  made  straight  fur  the 
tree  where  the  Iowa  couple  was  a  standin'  an' 
signed  his  name  in  the  little  book  tied  to  the 
tree.  When  the  Iowa  couple  see  the  name 
they  both  said,  almost  in  the  same  breath,  'Doc 
Wheeler  from  the  Forks.'  In  a  second  the  old 
feller,  had  bourne  down  onto  the  astonished 
Doctor,  sayin',  'Hello,  Doc  Wheeler,  I'll  bet  a 
hoss  you  don't  know  me — I'm  Abe  Hanks 
from  the  Forks  back  in  loway.  Hain't  see  ye 
before  fur  'bout  forty  year  er  since  I  left  ye  in 
the  army  an'  ye  come  out  west  to  Californy, 
an'  I  went  back  home  to  loway  an'  merried  the 
gal  ye  was  ingaged  to  afore  ye  inlisted.  Me 
an'  Fany  was  talkin'  'bout  ye  tother  day  an' 
laffin  'bout  the  time  ye  set  up  with  her  so  late, 


200  TOURIST   TALES   OF   CALIFORNIA 

her  pap  come  in  an'  told  ye  breakfast  was 
ready;  an'  the  time  the  sled  broke  down  an' 
ye  had  to  ride  four  in  a  seat  home  from  the 
Turkey  Run  singin'  schule.  Like  to  see  ye  git 
four  of  her  into  a  sled  seat  now,'  an'  the  man 
from  Iowa  lafFed  till  I  thot  he'd  choke,  an' 
give  the  addled  Doctor  a  slap  on  the  back  that 
would  a  felled  a  weaker  man,  as  he  fairly 
dragged  him  toward  the  beamin'  Fanny. 

"  Durin'  the  whole  performance  the  aston 
ished  Doctor  never  opened  his  mouth  to  say  a 
word  but  gazed,  as  if  spell  bound,  at  his  sweet 
heart  of  earlier  days  as  if  tryin'  to  bridge  the 
chasm  of  forty  years. 

"  Right  here  a  automobile  shut  off  my  view 
so  I  turned  my  attentions  to  two  pretty  girls 
in  the  Doctor's  auto,  who  were  laughin'  good 
an'  hard  at  'the  joke  on  papa.' 

'  Yes,  the  folks  out  there  don't  f urgit  there 
old  humes  an'  I  notice  the  folks  from  here  know 
how  to  stand  up  fur  Nebrasky  too. 

:<  That  reminds  me  of  gettin'  that  sofa  piller 
burned  fur  Mrs.  Dillingham.  She's  got  her 
house  full  of  Californy  souvnirs  so  I  thot  I'd 


NEBRASKA   EMBLEM  201 

have  something  suggestin'  Nebrasky  burned 
on  her  piller ;  but  bless  me,  if  I  could  think  of 
a  thing.  I  even  furgot  the  name  of  our  state 
flower. 

"  At  last  the  man,  gettin'  tired  of  waitin', 
said  kind  of  sarcastic  like : 

"  '  Why  not  have  a  hog  with  a  ear  of  corn 
in  its  mouth  burned  on  your  piller?'  Say,  I 
was  mad  clear  through,  an'  I  let  him  keep  his 
goods  fur  bein'  so  smart." 


UNCLE  HIRAM  GOES  TO  CATALINA  RATHES 
THAN  TAKE  WATER  ON  PROPERLY  TOUR 
ING  CALIFORNIA — GETS  SEASICK  AND 
GIVES  OUT  His  BIOGRAPHY,  BUT  LIVES 
TO  CAPTURE  A  MOUNTAIN  GOAT  AND 
WRITE  A  PRIZE  POME. 


AT  CATALINA. 


ttT  THOUGHT,  Mandy,  we'd  done  all  the 
-1  beaches  an'  summer  resorts  we  was 
agoin'  to,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison,  "  but 
the  very  next  day  after  we  was  at  Venice,  your 
Uncle  announced  his  intention  of  goin'  to  Cat- 
alma,  by  sayin':  '  I  see  I've  got  to  go;  every 
tourist  I  talk  to  says  almost  with  his  first 
breath:  "I  reckon  you've  bin  to  Catalina?" 
an'  every  four  letters  out  of  five  I  git  frum 
back  home  says:  "  How  did  you  like  Cata 
lina?"  so  you  see,  while  I'd  ruther  'most  die 
than  risk  that  awful  seasickness,  we'll  have  to 
go,  er  take  water  on  properly  tourin'  Califor- 
ny,  furever.' 

'  If  you  go  you'll  go  alone,'  says  I,  an'  he 
answered  back :  '  Alone  nothin'.  If  the  only 
wife  I've  got  is  willin'  to  see  me  go  abroad,  all 
alone,  an'  die  of  seasickness  on  shipboard,  let 
'er.  But  this  I'll  say  here  an'  now,  after  I'm 
passed,  don't  you  go  snifflin'  'round  into  no 
little  dinky  black-bordered  handkerchief,  a-tel- 


206          TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

lin*  the  nabers  you  allus  tried  to  do  your  duty 
to  Hiram  Harrison.' 

"  Of  course,  after  sich  talk,  I  give  in  an' 
went.  You  ought  to  have  seen  the  prepara 
tions  your  Uncle  made  fur  the  trip.  He 
bought  four  big  hot-water  bags,  an'  blowed 
'em  full  of  wind  an'  carried  'em  two  in  front 
an'  two  behind,  an'  tied  together  with  strings, 
an'  slung  over  his  shoulders.  The  folks  on 
the  way  to  the  boat  stared  at  him  like's  if  they 
tho't  he  was  crazy,  an'  I  was  mortified  to 
death.  Then  somebody  told  him  newspapers 
soaked  in  vinegar  an'  laid  on  the  chest,  back 
an'  front,  was  good  fur  seasickness,  so  he 
stuffed  his  underclothes  so  full  of  papers  he 
looked  top  heavy  fur  his  legs;  he  also  tied  a 
bag  of  asfedty  'round  his  neck,  an'  most  drove 
folks  out  of  the  street  car  with  it  an'  the  vine 
gar  smell  together.  He  'lowed  'twould  be 
a  good  idee  not  to  eat  anything  fur  a  couple 
of  days  before  startin'  an'  done  so,  but  he  got 
so  hungry  the  mornin'  we  started  he  et  the  big 
gest  meal  he'd  et  in  ten  years  an'  spiled  all  his 
fastin'  effects. 


AT  CATALINA  207 

"  I  fussed  with  him  about  the  show  he  was 
a-makin'  of  hisself,  but  he  was  firm,  an'  says: 
'  If  the  ship's  wrecked  them  water  bottles  will 
keep  me  afloat,  an'  if  she  hain't  wrecked  you 
can  fill  'em  with  hot  water,  an'  pack  'em  'round 
my  anatomy  when  I'm  seasick.'  We  hadn't 
bin  aboard  an  hour  before  Hiram  keeled  over 
in  the  throes  of  seasickness.  A  seasicker  man 
I  never  see,  an'  after  the  most  violent  contor 
tions  an'  symptoms  subsided  enough  to  let 
him  speak,  he  gasped  out:  '  I'm  done  fur, 
Pheba,  an'  tell  the  folks  back  home  I  died  try- 
in'  to  get  to  Catalina,  an'  hope  they're  satis 
fied.  I  was  druv  to  it,  Pheba,  an'  I  had  a 
presentation  'twould  end  this  way.  Put  your 
hand  into  my  britches  pocket,  Pheba,  an'  take 
out  my  pocketbook  an'  things.  Amongst  the 
papers  you  will  find  a  writ  article  headed: 
"  Byografee  of  Hiram  Harrison,  by  Hisself," 
which  I  want  you  to  hand  to  the  editor,  who 
prints  my  obituary,  an'  when  she's  printed  I 
hope  you'll  take  notice  there  was  plenty  of 
things  to  write  about  that  was  of  more  impor 
tance  than  squints,  an'  corns,  an'  moles.  You 


208  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

had  better — '  Right  here  another  agonizin' 
paroxyism  seized  him  an'  I  was  so  scairt  I 
never  thought  of  the  paper  an'  things  again 
until  we  was  safely  settled  into  our  rooms  at 
the  Metropole,  an'  Hiram  had  recovered 
enough  to  mosey  around  the  grounds.  Then, 
as  I  was  all  alone,  I  took  out  the  paper  an'  read : 
'  Byografee  of  Hiram  Harrison,  by  Hisself . 
I  was  born  somewheres  in  Posey  County,  In- 
diany;  my  folks  moved  so  often  I  never  could 
locate  the  exact  spot.  I  never  was  overly 
puffed  up  like  some  folks  over  bein'  born  in 
Indiany,  fur  while  she  has  sent  out  some  cute 
writers,  it  don't  foller  that  every  Indianyan 
is  smart  any  more  than  it  follers  that  every 
man  in  Californy  is  a  millionaire  because 
there's  a  hull  row  of  them  on  Orange  Grove 
street  in  Pasadena.  No  siree;  I've  seen  men 
livin'  right  in  Indiany  that  didn't  effect  the 
community  they  lived  in  any  more  than  the 
yeller  hounds  they  hunted  with  (of  course 
there's  shinin'  exceptions,  but  that's  fur  oth 
ers  to  tell  of  me.)  All  I  kin  learn  about  my 
early  history  is  mostly  hearsay,  but  when  it 


AT  CATAJLINA  209 

comes  to  that  I've  only  got  my  folkse's  word 
fur  it  that  I'm  Hirami  Harrison  at  all.  It  seems 
durin'  the  first  few  years  of  my  life,  I  staid 
purty  close  to  my  mother's  skirts,  an'  the  fam 
ily  dinner  pot;  said  pot  hangin'  from  a  hook 
over  a  big  fireplace.  In  fact,  my  first  an' 
earliest  recollections  is  of  seein'  my  mother 
throw  into  that  pot  fur  the  family  dinner  a 
slab  of  side  pork  nearly  two  foot  long  (sich  a 
hunk  would  make  a  five-er  look  like  thirty 
cents  in  Calif orny  nowadays)  an'  a  half  a 
bushel  of  split  cabbage  heads,  not  to  mention 
a  peck  of  peeled  pertaters  an'  sich.  Homely 
fare,  mebby,  that  biled  dinner  style,  but  frum 
the  number  of  bright  men  an'  wimmen  the  old 
State  has  sent  out,  it  must  a  bin  middlin'  good 
brain  food. 

"  *  As  I  said  before,  I  staid  purty  close  to 
home  fur  awhile,  it  bein'  dangerous  fur  chil 
dren  to  venture  very  far  frum  home  till  they 
was  stout  enough  to  pull  their  legs  out  of  the 
mud.  When  I  was  tall  enough  to  sink  into 
the  mud  a  couple  of  feet  an'  still  have  my  head 
stickin'  out,  my  folks  let  me  run,  an'  frum  all 


14 


210  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

accounts  I  made  up  fur  lost  time.  I  went  to 
school  winters,  an'  at  the  age  of  ten  I  spoke 
:'  The  boy  stood  on  the  burnin'  deck,"  at  a 
school  exhibition,  an'  hollered  so  loud,  an' 
throwed  so  much  reelism  into  it,  that  my 
father,  who  had  never  heard  tell  of  the  pome 
before,  was  scairt,  an'  when  I  yelled  out  "  My 
'father,  must  I  stay?"  he  yelled  back  at  me: 
"  No,  you  fool,  jump  out  of  the  winder  er 
anything,  if  it's  a-hurtin'  you  like  that." 

" c  Things  went  on  swimmin'  till  I  was 
about  twenty-two,  when  I  got  in  love  an'  wan't 
worth  shucks  fur  a  couple  of  years.  Her 
folks  said  funny  things  'bout  me,  an'  tho't  she 
orter  look  higher,  an'  marry  a  pill  pedler. 
Then  my  folks  wanted  me  to  marry  a  girl  who 
was  ugly  enough  to  scare  her  own  ma,  because 
her  pap  was  goin'  to  give  her  two  of  most 
everythin' — cow  an'  calf,  an'  horse  an'  colt, 
an'  hen  an'  chickens,  not  to  mention  a  feather 
bed,  an'  a  sunrise  quilt,  an'  two  split-bottomed 
rockin'  cheers,  he  made  hisself.  I  hain't  de- 
nyin's  I  was  tempted,  but  I  weighed  Pheba's 
purty  face  agin  the  goods  an'  chattels,  married 


AT  CATALINA  211 

her,  an'  sailed  fur  Nebrasky  in  a  prairie 
schooner  next  day,  where  we  lived  in  peace  an' 
contentment  till  the  'doin'  Californy'  fever 
struck  the  Middle  West  in  the  airly  nineteen 
hundreds  an'  some.  Then,  like  many  another, 
we  left  our  winter  quarters  around  the  base 
burner  an'  went  to  Californy  to  wear  over- 
coats  an'  goosehide  till  we  got  used  to  their 
open-air  system  of  heatin'  houses.  After 
passin'  that  stage  in  safety,  we  found  the 
country  was  all  'twas  cracked  up  to  be  an'  con- 
cludin'  to  stay,  bought  a  peach  of  a  house  out 
Westlake  way  in  Los  Angeles,  an'  a  beach 
house  on  the  ocean.  'Twas  durin'  this  trip  to 
Californy  that  the  famous  letters  to  the  Farm 
er's  Guide  was  wrote  and — '  Jest  at  this  pint 
I  heard  your  Uncle's  step  an'  puttin'  the 
writin'  away  in  a  hurry,  I  was  camly  fixin' 
my  hair  in  front  of  the  glass  when  he  entered. 
'*  The  next  mornin'  Hiram,  who  was  hisself 
agin  an'  more,  too,  was  ready  fur  the  sights. 
'  What  air  yer  main  attrachuns  here  ?'  he  asked 
of  another  man  who  seemed  to  be  at  home  on 
the  island,  an'  the  man  said :  '  Our  island 


212          TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

draws  folks  frum  all  over  the  world.  Glass- 
bottomed  boats,  tuny  fishin'  an'  mountain-goat 
huntin'  is  a  trio  hard  to  beat,  an'  orter  make 
you  hog-and-homily  fellers  who  hain't  see  a 
landscape  fur  years,  fur  the  cornfields,  open 
yer  eyes.' 

"  Hiram  got  red  in  the  face,  fer  he's  tender 
'bout  Nebraska  yet,  an'  he  says :  '  I  guess  if 
we  hadn't  had  any  other  way  of  makin'  a  livin' 
back  there  but  goin'  into  the  '  tourist  show ' 
bizness,  we  could  a  showed  'em  something  be 
sides  cornfields,  too.  A  mud-cat,  fresh  caught 
from  the  Blue,  beats  yer  tunified  an'  berber- 
cured  fish  all  holler.  An'  as  fur  yer  glass- 
bottomed  boats,  I've  see  Salt  Crick  froze  over 
so  clear  you  could  see  every  old  bootleg  an' 
oyster  can  as  plain  as  day.  An'  if  Nebraska 
had  a  saved  her  million  or  two  buffaloes  fur 
tourists  to  hunt,  this  huntin'  billy  goats  would 
a  bin  small  pertaters  beside  it.' 

"  Fearin'  the  talk  would  get  personal  I 
called  Hiram's  attention  to  the  men  who  were 
mountin'  their  horses  to  go  on  a  mountain  goat 
hunt,  an'  your  Uncle  says,  gloomy  like : '  'Twill 


AT   CATALINA  213 

be  throwed  in  my  teeth  f er  years  that  I  never 
shot  any  goat  game  out  here,  an'  'twas  all  I 
pould  do  to  keep  him  frum  hirin'  an'  mountin' 
one  of  them  fiery  animals  that  had  been  trained, 
so  I  was  told,  to  leap  cricks  an'  slide  down 
mountains  when  they  was  huntin'  game.  It 
makes  your  Uncle  mad  as  a  hornet  to  say  so, 
but  if  he  didn't  hang  onto  the  horn  of  his  sad 
dle  he  would  fall  off  an  old  cow,  an'  'twas  al 
most  certain  death  to  risk  him  on  them  hired 
horses.  After  considerable  coaxin'  an'  ar- 
guin'  he  give  in  an'  was  thinkin'  he  would  com 
promise  things  by  buyin'  one  of  them  whis 
kered  goat  heads  he  see  fur  sale  an'  puttin'  it 
in  his  den,  an'  never  let  on  but  what  he  shot  it, 
unless  someone  pinned  him  down  to  the  truth. 
But  hearin'  the  men  tell  about  the  goats  they 
had  shot,  when  they  was  smokin'  in  the  office 
of  the  hotel  in  the  evenin'  made  your  Uncle 
wild  to  go  goat  huntin'. 

'  To  get  his  mind  off  it  I  proposed  we  take 
our  lunch  an'  go  out  into  the  wild  as  fur  as 
we  could  an'  spend  the  day,  all  by  ourselves. 
We  went  by  team  as  fur  as  we  could  an'  then 


214  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

we  clim  up  a  steep  hill  a  ways  further,  where 
we  enjoyed  a  quiet  time  till  jest  before  it  was 
time  to  go  home.  When  Hiram  was  layin'  on 
his  back  lookin'  up  the  mountain  side  at  nuthin' 
in  particular  he  sees  somethin'  wigglin'  in 
amongst  a  clump  of  trees.  '  What  fur  crit 
ter  is  that,  Pheba?'  says  your  Uncle,  squintin' 
real  interested  at  the  wigglin'  thing.  Then 
it  moved  a  little  faster  an'  Hiram  sat  up  real 
excited,  an'  says:  '  Gee  whiz!  if  it  hain't  the 
hind  legs  an'  tail  of  one  of  them  horned  an' 
whiskered  mountain  goats,  an'  me  without  a 
firearm  about  me.  My  luck  eggactly.  But,' 
says  he,  lookin'  determined, '  I'll  have  that  goat 
er  my  name  hain't  Hiram  Harrison,  Esquire. 
Necessity  is  the  mother  an'  father  of  new  in 
ventions  an'  it's  up  to  me  to  figger  out  some 
way  of  capturin'  that  animal  fate  has  throwed 
in  my  way.' 

'  The  very  idee !'  says  he,  lookin'  wild,  he 
was  so  excited.  *  I'll  ketch  the  critter  alive 
an'  take  him  down  an'  show  him  to  them  blow- 
in'  fellers  at  the  tavern,  an'  mebby  ship  him 
back  home  with  us.  Then  them  correspond- 


AT   CATALINA  215 

ents  to  all  the  papers  will  flash  the  news  by 
wireless  telegraphin'  all  over  the  country. 
Won't  Herman's  folks  open  their  eyes  when 
the  news  comes  out  in  big  headlines  tellin'  how 
their  Uncle,  alone  an'  single-handed,  captured 
one  of  them  ferocious  mountain  goats  with 
horns  on  him  like  a  Texas  steer,  an'  whiskers 
like  a  Pop  candidate  fur  County  Sheriff.' 

"  '  You  must  be  crazy,  Hiram,'  says  I,  but 
he  broke  out  agin  sayin' :  "I've  see  it  done 
hundreds  of  times,  that  slippin'  up  an'  grabbin' 
a  sheep  by  the  hind  legs,  an'  landin'  him  on 
the  shearin'  boards  before  said  sheep  could  say 
Jack  Robinson.'  '  But  this  is  a  goat  an' — 
'  Goat  nothin','  says  he,  stoppin'  my  speech 
agin.  '  What's  a  goat,  anyway,  but  a  exag 
gerated  sheep,  with  a  lot  of  frills  in  the  way  of 
whiskers  an'  things  grafted  onto  him  a  la  Bur- 
bank  style.  My  plan  is  to  slip  up  an'  grab 
him  by  the  legs  as  he  stands  there  with  his  head 
hid  in  the  brush,  an'  bind  him  fast  with  the 
straps  frum  our  lunch  basket.' 

"  'Twas  with  many  misgivins  I  saw  your 
Uncle  creep  up  that  steep  mountain  side,  an* 


216          TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

grab  that  onsuspectin'  critter  by  the  hind  legs. 
The  goat  let  out  one  awful  blat  of  terror  at 
the  rear  attack,  an'  opened  up  the  first  round 
by  kickin'  Hiram  with  both  them  hind  legs, 
flat  in  the  stumich,  an'  nearly  made  him  lose 
his  holt.  But  your  Uncle  was  gritty,  an'  held 
on  fur  dear  life,  an'  a  fiercer  fight  I  never  see. 
When  the  fight  was  at  its  height,  an'  the  twigs 
was  crackin',  an'  the  dust  a  flyin  an'  Hiram 
talkin',  an'  the  goat  a  blattin',  something 
seemed  to  give  'way  an'  the  next  thing  I 
knowed  the  goat  an'  Hiram  was  shootin'  like 
lightnin'  (Hiram  still  hangin'  on  to  the  goat) 
down  that  steep  mountain  side.  With  fear 
an'  tremblin'  I  rushed  after  them  an'  saw  'em 
land  at  the  bottom  in  front  of  a  little  white 
tent  I  hadn't  see  before.  A  feller,  who  looked 
about  half  gone  with  the  janders,  er  somethin', 
hearin'  the  crash,  came  rushin'  out,  an'  'most 
astonished  to  see  Hiram  half  ridin',  half  car- 
ryin'  that  goat  down  the  mountain  side  at 
sich  a  rapid  pace,  said :  '  You  villain,  what 
in  the  Sam  Hill  air  ye  tryin'  to  murder  my 
three-pint  Nanny  for?' 


AT   CATALINA  217 

"  '  Yer  three -pint  granny,'  yelled  back  your 
Uncle,  nearly  beside  hisself .  '  Stand  there  like 
a  fool  when  a  man's  nearly  killed  all  over  at 
yer  door,  'thout  off  erin'  to  bring  out  any  of  yer 
first  aids  to  the  injered.'  When  the  man  see 
his  goat  wan't  killed,  an'  your  Uncle  was  only 
banged  up  some,  he  got  tickled  at  somethin' 
an'  most  died  a-laughin'.  That  made  Hiram 
madder  than  ever  an'  it  didn't  improve  his  tem 
per  any,  when  he  looked  'round  an'  see  the 
three-pint  Nanny  a  quietin'  her  nerves  by 
chawin'  up  his  new  straw  hat;  he  up  an'  hove 
a  big  rock  at  her,  an'  started  the  fuss  all  over 
an'  if  the  stage  hadn't  come  along  an'  hurried 
us  aboard,  it's  more  than  likely  they'd  a  fit 
each  other. 

'  That  night  as  I  lay  in  bed  watchin'  Hiram 
bathe  his  jints,  an'  bruises,  in  arnica,  an'  lini 
ment,  I  got  a  spell  of  laughin',  an'  I  laffed  till 
I  most  shook  the  bed  down  an'  could  hardly 
git  stopped.  '  What  ails  ye  anyhow?'  growled 
your  Uncle,  peerin'  at  me  over  his  specks,  an' 
I  answered  as  well  as  I  could  between  laughs : 
*  Talk  about  your  movin'  pictures,  if  some  of 


218          TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

them  movin'-picture  men  could  a  got  you  an* 
that  goat,  rollin'  over  each  other  to  see  which 
could  git  to  the  bottom  first,  his  fortune  would 
a  bin  made.'  Then  I  laffed  more  an'  your 
Uncle,  lookin'  severe,  says :  '  Make  a  fool  of 
yerself  by  lafnn'  all  you  want  to,  but  I'll  tell 
you  here  an'  now,  that  if  I  ever  hear  of  your 
whimperin'  a  word  about  this  goat  episode  I'll 
sue  you  fur  divorce  an'  separate  mentenence, 
before  I'm  a  day  older  er  my  name  hain't 
Hiram  Harrison.' " 


' '  '  Make  a  fool  of  yerself  laffin ',  says  he,  '  but  if  I  ever  hear  of 
you  whimperin'  a  word  'bout  this  goat  episode  I'll  sue 
you  fur  a  divorce  an'  separate  mamtenence  afore  I'm  a 
day  older.'  " 


THE  HARRISONS  Go  IN  FOR  SOCIETY  AND  BUY 
A  TOWN  HOUSE  AND  A  BEACH  HOUSE  ON 
THE  OCEAN — EVERYTHING  LOVELY  Now 
BUT  THEIR  ENGLISH. 


AT  WESTLAKE  HOME. 


44  T  NEVER  was  so  surprised  in  all  my  life, 
•1  Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Pheba  Harrison, 
"  as  I  was  that  day  in  Los  Angeles,  when  your 
Uncle  come  walkin'  into  our  room  at  the  hotel 
an'  said :  '  If  nothin'  else  will  do  you,  Pheba, 
but  buyin'  one  of  them  houses  out  Westlake 
way,  I  reckon  we  might  'bout  as  well  let  the 
agent  take  us  out  an'  look  at  some  of  them 
this  afternoon.' 

"  Honestly,  Mandy,  if  Hiram  Harrison  had 
a  slapped  me  in  the  face,  I  wouldn't  bin  a  bit 
more  surprised  than  I  was  at  him  takin'  this 
sudden  notion,  an'  while  I  was  awfully  tickled, 
I  never  let  on,  an'  got  ready  jest  as  if  'twas 
what  I'd  bin  expectin'  all  along. 

"  The  first  house  the  agent  showed  us  was 
big  an'  old  an'  gloomy,  an'  the  woman  who 
owned  it  answered  to  the  same  description,  an' 
Hiram  'lowed  he'd  have  the  jim-jams  livin'  in 
sich  a  place,  an'  said  he'd  ruther  live  in  a  tent. 
We  looked  at  a  lot  more,  but  if  Hiram  liked 


224          TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

'em  I  didn't,  an'  vice  versa.  Somethin'  was 
wrong  with  all  on  'em  till  he  showed  us  a  nine- 
room  bungalow  that  looked  real  homelike  an' 
cozy  an'  not  too  big  to  do  the  housework  with 
one  hired  girl.  It  struck  both  our  fancies  all 
at  once,  altho'  Hiram  found  objections,  of 
course,  an'  run  things  down,  thinkin'  he'd  get 
it  cheaper  by  talkin'  agin  it.  When  the  agent 
called  his  'tention  to  the  new  style  of  beamed 
over  ceiliri's  he  said :  '  New  nothin' ;  they  had 
them  things  in  the  log  houses  back  in  Indiany 
as  long  back  as  I  kin  reckalect,  not  to  mention 
them  ridge  poles  we  see  in  them  sod  houses  in 
the  airly  days  of  Nebraska.  You'll  have  to 
get  up  somethin'  a  little  moderner,  young  man, 
an'  a  little  more  up-to-datish  than  them 
beamed-over  ceilin's,  if  you  want  me  to  call 
'em  new.  Them  sod  houses  had  winder  seats, 
too;  had  to  have  'em  whether  er  no,  bein's  the 
wall  was  nearly  two  foot  thick.  Never  tho't 
of  braggin'  an'  blowin'  'bout  'em  bein'  purty, 
thoV 

'  Then  the  agent  showed  us  what  I  call  a 
wonderful  invention  in  the  shape  of  a  disap- 


AT   WESTLAKE   HOME  225 

pearin'  bed,  but  Hiram  wan't  a  bit  surprised 
an'  said:  '  Think  you've  got  me  now,  don't 
you?  But  you  hain't.  See  more  disappearin' 
beds  in  my  day  than  you  could  shake  a  stick 
at,  but  they  disappeared  under  the  big  family 
bed,  an'  they  called  'em  trundle  beds  in  theni 
days;  same  idee,  tho'.  Sometimes  when  vis 
itors  would  come  unexpectedly  of  a  mornin' 
that  bed  would  disappear  so  quick,  mebby  the 
woman  would  forget  to  extract  more  than  half 
the  children  an'  f  rum  the  way  they'd  yell  when 
they  found  themselves  prisoners,  one  who 
heard  'em  an'  didn't  understan'  the  situation, 
would  think  murder  was  bein'  done.' 

"  Failin'  to  impress  your  Uncle  with  the  dis 
appearin'  bed  the  agent  said:  '  The  billiard 
room  an'  the  servant's  room  an'  the  den  are 
on  the  second  floor;'  an'  as  the  agent  moved 
toward  the  stairway  Hiram,  actin'  real  excited, 
said:  '  Stop  where  you  be;  I  don't  pertend 
to  be  any  better  than  my  nabers,  but  I'll  swan 
if  I'm  goin'  to  make  any  hired  girl  of  ourn 
sleep  up  there  all  alone  with  a  den  of  wild  ani 
mals,  altho'  all  the  wild  animals  we  have  to 

15 


226          TOURIST   TALES   OF    CALIFORNIA 

stock  a  den  with  is  the  tabby  cat  an'  ole  Shep. 
'  But  go  on,'  says  he,  seein'  I  looked  kind 
of  disappointed.  '  I  see  you're  bound  to  take 
up  with  all  them  silly,  smart-set  fads,  so  if  you 
must  keep  a  den  of  wild  critters  to  be  in  it  out 
Westlake  way,  I  reckon  I  kin  scare  up  a  wolf 
an'  prairie  dog  an'  mebby  one  of  them  Teddy 
bears  to  add  to  the  family  menagary.  If  some 
swell  society  leader  was  to  make  a  roof  gar 
den  atop  of  the  house,  fur  the  family  cow,  an' 
send  er  up  in  a  elevator,  I  reckon  there'd  be 
plenty  to  ape  after  her.' 

'  When  Hiram  see  the  inhabitants  of  the 
den  was  nothin'  worse  than  the  hides  an'  horns 
of  wild  animals,  together  with  a  collection  of 
pipes  an'  relics  an'  sich,  he  was  most  tickled 
to  death. 

'  A  sensibler  fad  never  existed,'  said  he ; 
'  them  buffalo  robes  an'  horns  I've  bin  savin' 
so  long  will  jest  be  the  thing,  an'  I'll  bring  a 
lot  of  them  fresh  corncob  pipes,  along  with 
them  Injun  relics,  back  with  me  frum  Ne 
braska.  Then  when  I  give  a  smokin — 
'  smoker,  you  mean,'  says  I.  '  Well,  smoker, 


AT   WESTLAKE   HOME  227 

then,'  says  he,  '  I'll  tell  some  harrowin'  tales 
'bout  how  I  hunted  buffalo  an'  fit  Injuns  on 
the  plains  an'  got  them  relics  an'  hides  an' 
horns ;  make  'em  open  their  eyes  sure  an'  make 
that  rabbit  coursin'  huntin'  we  see  at  the  Coun 
try  Club  look  like  thirty  cents.' 

"  '  Gee,  but  this  is  great,'  he  continued,  sur- 
veyin'  the  den  with  satisfaction.  '  Not  a  tidy 
er  lace  curtain  in  sight.  It's  a  place  I've 
dreamt  of  but  never  expected  to  see.  When 
wimmen  go  to  sniffin'  the  air  in  this  corner  of 
the  house  an'  sayin'  they  believe  they  smell 
smoke,  I'll  jest  tell  'em  to  smell  away  er  stay 
out,  jest  as  they  please.' 

'  The  breakfast  room  is  quaint,'  said  the 
agent,  an'  Hiram  asked  him  how  big  the  lot 
was,  sayin :  'Twill  only  be  a  matter  of  time 
till  she'll  have  to  have  a  supper  room  an'  a 
dinner  room,  so  I  want  to  be  sure  there's  room 
to  build  'em  as  I  see  it's  comin'.  Crazy  idee, 
tho'. 

"  '  I  reckon  there's  a  garbage  on  the  place? ' 
he  asked. 

"  '  A  what?'  said  the  agent. 

16 


228  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

"  *  A  place  to  put  our  automobile,'  says  your 
Uncle,  as  big  as  you  please. 

"  '  O,  sure,  Mr.  Harrison,'  says  the  agent, 
holdin'  his  hat  up  over  his  mouth  to  keep  us 
frum  seein'  him  laffin'.  After  a  good  deal  of 
haglin'  on  Hiram's  part  we  bought  the  place 
fur  ten  thousand  dollars,  an'  moved  in  to  see 
what  furniture  would  be  best  brought  out  frum 
Nebraska.  As  it  come  on  toward  slimmer, 
most  of  our  nabors  out  Westlake  way  com 
menced  to  talk  about  goin'  to  them  cottages 
down  to  the  beach.  It  seemed  to  worry  Hiram ; 
as  fur  me  I  ain't  one  of  the  beachy  kind,  bein's 
I  ain't  overly  fond  of  fleas  an'  sand.  Hiram 
said  the  cook  put  on  airs  over  us  frum  the  day 
she  found  out  we  didn't  calcalate  to  go. 
Thinkin'  to  make  Hiram  feel  better,  fur  he 
seemed  to  think  he  was  disgraced  not  ownin' 
a  house  down  to  one  of  them  beaches,  I  said: 
*  I  might  do  like  lots  of  the  other  women  out 
here  do — go  an'  board  an'  have  you  come  down 
at  the  week's  end  over  Sunday;'  but  he  got  as 
mad  as  a  hornet  an'  said:  '  Other  wimmen 
nothin'.  It's  a  shame  the  way  these  Calif orny 


AT   WESTLAKE   HOME  229 

wimmen  go  gallopin'  round  to  them  resorts 
all  summer  leavin'  their  men  at  home  to  water 
the  yard  an'  feed  the  chickens,  an'  get  into 
dyspepsia  an'  all  kinds  of  trouble.' 

'  They  say  it's  the  climate,'  said  I,  an'  he 
growled  back:  '  If  a  woman  kin  stay  at  home 
all  summer  in  Nebraska  where  the  cyclones 
are  doin'  a  land  office  bizness,  an'  the  lightnin' 
is  strikin'  all  over  creation,  she  kin  do  the  same 
out  here.  It's  bin  an'  unwritten  law,  back 
there  ever  sence  the  country  was  settled  up, 
that  April  Fool's  Day,  an'  Decoration  Day, 
an'  the  Fourth  of  July  celebration  was  dissa- 
pation  enough  fur  any  woman.  If  a  woman 
back  there  was  to  go  hikin'  off  to  some  pleas 
ure  resort  every  summer,  'thout  the  aid  an'  con 
sent  of  her  husband,  she'd  be  apt  to  come  home 
some  fall  an'  find  some  other  female  preambu- 
latin'  'round  her  hearthstone,  who'd  tell  her 
she'd  forfeited  her  homestid  right  by  bein'  off 
her  claim  too  long,  an'  like  as  not  show  her  a 
paper  signed  by  the  County  Judge  which 
made  the  gaddin'  woman  an  ex -wife,  No.  1.' 
4< '  I've  known  cases  where  the  gaddin'  wife 


230  TOURIST    TALES    OF    CALIFORNIA 

would  be  tickled  to  death  nearly,'  says  I,  but 
your  Uncle  never  answered  me  an'  after  starin' 
out  of  the  winder  awhile  he  said :  '  But  I  see 
you're  bound  to  go,  so  the  only  thing  fur  me 
to  do  is  to  buy  us  a  beach  house.  But  I'll  give 
you  fair  warnin'  tho',  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  stay 
at  home  with  that  homely  cook;  seems  to  me 
you  couldn't  a  found  a  homelier  critter  if 
you'd  a  got  out  a  search  warrant  an'  hunted  all 
over  Salt  Lake  City.  Homeliest  women  there, 
individually  an'  collectively,  I  ever  laid  eyes 
on.  Them  ole  Mormon  fellars  must  a  had 
the  courage  of  their  convictions  to  face  sich  an 
ugly,  job  lot,  rummage-sale  gang  of  wives, 
three  times  a  day  at  meal  time.  'Twould  a 
took  my  appetite.  But  to  get  back  to  the 
beach  question ;  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  stay  at  home 
an'  mosey  round  the  house  waterin'  the  yard, 
an'  feedin'  chickens,  so  I've  concluded  you  kin 
take  that  prize-beauty  cook,  an'  the  chickens, 
an'  things,  an'  I'll  load  you  an'  your  trunks  an' 
traps,  an'  things,  onto  a  dray  an'  you  kin  go 
overland  to  the  beach;  'twill  be  the  cheapest 
way  to  do. 


AT    WESTLAKE    HOME  231 

'  If  you  are  a-caterin'  to  society  so  you 
won't  have  me  'round  only  on  the  week's-end 
days,  I  kin  jine  one  of  them  men's  clubs  so  as 
I  won't  be  lonesome,  the  middle-week  days. 
'T would  be  the  proper  thing  to  do,  anyway, 
seein'  as  how  I've  writ  two  letters  to  the  papers, 
an'  had  a  piece  of  poetry  printed  an'  kin  play 
lawn  tennis,  an'  bin  massaged  twice.  If  we 
are  goin'  in  fur  this  society  stunt,  Pheba,  it's 
up  to  you  to  get  citified  an'  take  them  phys 
ical-culture  doin's  an'  git  straight  front  waisted 
an'  graceful,  too ;  we'll  have  to  brush  up  a  lit 
tle  on  our —  '  Language,'  says  I,  interruptin' 
him.  '  I  noticed  them  society  folks  at  Her 
man's  didn't  say  "  hain't."  '  That's  so,'  says 
he,  '  an'  hain't  you  noticed  I  hain't  said  hain't 
fur  quite  a  spell.  That's  one  reason  I  bought 
out  here  instid  of  on  Orange  Grove  street  in 
Pasadena ;  they  say  if  you  git  your  theses  an' 
thoses  mixed  over  there  'twill  put  you  out  of 
runnii>'  with  the  Smart  Set  entirely.  Then 
you'd  hate  to  set  around  an'  hear  the  other 
wimmen  talkin'  French,  an'  you  not  under- 
standin'  it.'  '  French  ain't  a  hurtin'  me,'  says 


282  TOURIST  TALES  OF  CALIFORNIA 

I,  '  it's  my  English.  I  guess  their  French  is 
mostly  like  that  Pasadena  woman's  Herman's 
wife  was  a-tellin'  me  about.  Herself  an'  all 
her  friends  thought  she  was  a  fine  French  lan- 
guagist  an'  when  she  went  into  a  restaurant 
in  Paris,  the  only  way  she  could  make  the 
French  waiter  understand  she  wanted  bread 
an'  butter  was  a  pintin'  to  it,  an'  then  pintin' 
to  her  mouth.' 

'  Well,  I  wish  you  could  play  the  banjo  er 
the  pianer  er  somethin','  says  your  Uncle,  an' 
I  said :  'Tain't  fashionable  to  play  the  piano 
in  company  any  more,  less  you  are  a  expert; 
other  wimmen  who  ain't  expert  piano  players 
have  pianolas.' 

*  Other  wimmen  nothin','  says  he,  thinkin' 
of  the  cost.  '  Throwin'  that  other  wimmen 
bizness  up  to  us  has  bin  the  undoin'  of  men 
ever  sense  there  was  men  to  undo.  Get  your 
old  pianola  an'  be  done  with  it.  I've  a  notion 
to  take  a  few  lessons  on  the  fiddle  myself.  I'll 
bet  I  kin  play  "Old  Dan  Tucker,"  an'  "Money 
Musk"  now  till  they  can't  keep  their  feet  still. 


AT   WESTLAKE   HOME  238 

'Twill  be  somethin'  novel  to  have  fiddlin'  mu 
sic  at  my  smoker. 

'  Purty  expensive  bizness,  this  goin'  into 
society,  but  I  got  a  offer  of  ten  thousand  more 
yesterday  fur  the  farm,  so  I  guess  I  kin  stand 
it,  pianola,  fiddlin'  lessons,  sendin'  out  straight 
laundry,  hired  girl,  beach  an'  all.' ' 


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